Family Just Aint All Its Cracked Up To Be
Good morning.
This was the weekend from hell. And all because of one thing...my emotions. I have been a complete basketcase. Several years ago a doctor gave me Lorazapam (Ativan) because I started having these panic/anxiety attacks. They came out of nowhere. I took those pills for a few years and became somewhat dependant on them. When we moved here, I stopped taking them. I didn't want to be hooked on pills. I seemed to do ok without them. There was less stress here, I didn't seem to need them and I didn't have any more attacks. Until last night. Its a good thing I asked my new doctor for some pills months ago, when I started having trouble sleeping and feeling all out of sorts. I had forgotten how horrible those attacks feel. I get a lump in my throat feeling. It feels like there is something stuck in my throat. Then it feels like I can't breath. Then my heart starts freaking out and I get pain in my chest and arm, like a heart attack. Last night was the first time I've had one of those attacks in years. I'm just so glad I had some pills here or we would have ended up spending the evening at the hospital, hooked up to a heart monitor.
As I've said, I always get emotional at Christmas, but this year has been ridiculous. As hard as I fight it, as much as I try to distract my mind, I can't stop it. And for whatever reason I am feeling especially unforgiving this year.
As much as I hate to admit it, it may be true that I am not good at accepting the things I cannot change. I will try to change things until I drive myself insane. The saddest part in all this is how it hurts my family. My Hubby and daughter deserve better. Knowing that just makes me feel that much worse, guilty I suppose. Though they are most understanding and forgiving, because they do love me so much, and for that I am grateful.
Thankfully its not too late to save this Christmas. If I can just keep a level head and keep my emotions in check for the next few weeks, I'll have made progress and Hubster and daughters won't be too traumatized. I love them so much, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt them.
So here I am, up at 3 a.m on a Monday morning. Why is that? Because we finally got around to putting up the real tree last night and I set the alarm for 2:30 to get up to water it and I couldn't go back to sleep. Ugh. Our quite expensive, cast iron tree stand only holds about 4-6 cups of water. The trees always drink a lot at first and gradually slow down. But if you let the stand go empty the tree will seal and then just dry out real fast. Been there. It's one of the pains of having a real tree I guess. But I don't mind doing it. I don't mind any of the grief associated with having a real tree. To me its worth the extra effort. Nothing can replace that aroma wafting through the house. I imagine the time will come when we are just too old, but until then, real trees for real people.
We finally used the photo printer for the first time. Very cool. It was a part of the new computer package. Now if we could just get some photos worth printing. They actually sell the photo paper at Dollarama, which is great, but the ink is another story, expensive. So now its time to figure out how to use the delay on my camera so we can take pictures of all of us together. Got a tripod for that purpose, at a yard sale for $10, this past summer. We have never done the Sears Portrait Studio thing. We have no pictures of us all together. Guess what everyone is getting next Christmas? A few years ago I bought one of those big frames with all the holes for a bunch of pictures. It has been sitting in the basement, collecting dust, with 2 photos in it, ever since. Now I will be able to fill it and hang it up. I did print a couple of pictures for that last night.
Since I found out I won't be getting together with any of my family over the holidays, which is one thing thats been upsetting me, I just found that out on Friday, I am having my father up here for dinner next weekend. Hubby is working half a day on Saturday, so he will pick father up after work, bring him up here for dinner and then drive him back home. Thats a lot of driving. I think I'll let Hubby just get some rest on Sunday, poor guy. I wasn't aware of him working Saturday, so that means we'll have to make it an early night Friday when we go down to a party in Brampton. Looking forward to that, we need a night out.
I have come to realize family isn't all its cracked up to be. I have given my family far too much credit over the years. By family I am referring to my siblings etc. Anyone who does have a close loving family should really appreciate that. So much for my high hopes of having a relationship with my sister. It isn't going to happen. Her life is complete without me. Its a case of she misses her deceased husband, yes thats how I should describe her from now on, the widow, and that just overshadows all else. And she is so happy, I think, to have her 3 adult sons back home living with her, along with my father, who pays large rent, and her grand-daughter, who I've only seen once, when she was brand new, sleeping, that she can't be bothered with me or my daughters.
I get a lot of heat for missing my mom at Christmas and yet the people who give me the heat do the same damn thing over different people. Life is so ironic. My brother is also a widower, but he remarried. As far as I'm concerned he gets more neurotic and ridiculous each year. So, I don't know why I have wasted so many tears, so much energy stressing over these people I call my family. I give up. It just seems like such a shame. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, lots of people have no family. Rather than missing who isn't here I need to appreciate who is here and thats my husband and my daughters. That must be the secret to happiness. Learn when to throw in the towel. Sad but true. So I will enjoy having my father here and will consider this our Christmas get together. I will enjoy having a turkey dinner on Boxing Day with Big R. As much as she may think I don't understand, I really do. I'll take what I can get, because I love her and miss her. I'll appreciate having her here no matter what day it is.
Bottom line, its time to throw in the towel on my family. They can go the way of my in-laws. I'm fighting a losing battle. Its costing too much for my own little family. If they don't need me then I probably don't need them either. My hope was to develop relationships with them before my father passes away, so that we would still have each other when that time comes. I've been trying for years, all for naught. Its like they think I want something from them. Yeah, I wanted a family, thats all. I wanted their love. Silly me. So, once my father is gone, whats left of the family will simply disintegrate. Sad but true.
Well, time to get Hubby up and make his coffee. Have a lovely day!
This was the weekend from hell. And all because of one thing...my emotions. I have been a complete basketcase. Several years ago a doctor gave me Lorazapam (Ativan) because I started having these panic/anxiety attacks. They came out of nowhere. I took those pills for a few years and became somewhat dependant on them. When we moved here, I stopped taking them. I didn't want to be hooked on pills. I seemed to do ok without them. There was less stress here, I didn't seem to need them and I didn't have any more attacks. Until last night. Its a good thing I asked my new doctor for some pills months ago, when I started having trouble sleeping and feeling all out of sorts. I had forgotten how horrible those attacks feel. I get a lump in my throat feeling. It feels like there is something stuck in my throat. Then it feels like I can't breath. Then my heart starts freaking out and I get pain in my chest and arm, like a heart attack. Last night was the first time I've had one of those attacks in years. I'm just so glad I had some pills here or we would have ended up spending the evening at the hospital, hooked up to a heart monitor.
As I've said, I always get emotional at Christmas, but this year has been ridiculous. As hard as I fight it, as much as I try to distract my mind, I can't stop it. And for whatever reason I am feeling especially unforgiving this year.
As much as I hate to admit it, it may be true that I am not good at accepting the things I cannot change. I will try to change things until I drive myself insane. The saddest part in all this is how it hurts my family. My Hubby and daughter deserve better. Knowing that just makes me feel that much worse, guilty I suppose. Though they are most understanding and forgiving, because they do love me so much, and for that I am grateful.
Thankfully its not too late to save this Christmas. If I can just keep a level head and keep my emotions in check for the next few weeks, I'll have made progress and Hubster and daughters won't be too traumatized. I love them so much, the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt them.
So here I am, up at 3 a.m on a Monday morning. Why is that? Because we finally got around to putting up the real tree last night and I set the alarm for 2:30 to get up to water it and I couldn't go back to sleep. Ugh. Our quite expensive, cast iron tree stand only holds about 4-6 cups of water. The trees always drink a lot at first and gradually slow down. But if you let the stand go empty the tree will seal and then just dry out real fast. Been there. It's one of the pains of having a real tree I guess. But I don't mind doing it. I don't mind any of the grief associated with having a real tree. To me its worth the extra effort. Nothing can replace that aroma wafting through the house. I imagine the time will come when we are just too old, but until then, real trees for real people.
We finally used the photo printer for the first time. Very cool. It was a part of the new computer package. Now if we could just get some photos worth printing. They actually sell the photo paper at Dollarama, which is great, but the ink is another story, expensive. So now its time to figure out how to use the delay on my camera so we can take pictures of all of us together. Got a tripod for that purpose, at a yard sale for $10, this past summer. We have never done the Sears Portrait Studio thing. We have no pictures of us all together. Guess what everyone is getting next Christmas? A few years ago I bought one of those big frames with all the holes for a bunch of pictures. It has been sitting in the basement, collecting dust, with 2 photos in it, ever since. Now I will be able to fill it and hang it up. I did print a couple of pictures for that last night.
Since I found out I won't be getting together with any of my family over the holidays, which is one thing thats been upsetting me, I just found that out on Friday, I am having my father up here for dinner next weekend. Hubby is working half a day on Saturday, so he will pick father up after work, bring him up here for dinner and then drive him back home. Thats a lot of driving. I think I'll let Hubby just get some rest on Sunday, poor guy. I wasn't aware of him working Saturday, so that means we'll have to make it an early night Friday when we go down to a party in Brampton. Looking forward to that, we need a night out.
I have come to realize family isn't all its cracked up to be. I have given my family far too much credit over the years. By family I am referring to my siblings etc. Anyone who does have a close loving family should really appreciate that. So much for my high hopes of having a relationship with my sister. It isn't going to happen. Her life is complete without me. Its a case of she misses her deceased husband, yes thats how I should describe her from now on, the widow, and that just overshadows all else. And she is so happy, I think, to have her 3 adult sons back home living with her, along with my father, who pays large rent, and her grand-daughter, who I've only seen once, when she was brand new, sleeping, that she can't be bothered with me or my daughters.
I get a lot of heat for missing my mom at Christmas and yet the people who give me the heat do the same damn thing over different people. Life is so ironic. My brother is also a widower, but he remarried. As far as I'm concerned he gets more neurotic and ridiculous each year. So, I don't know why I have wasted so many tears, so much energy stressing over these people I call my family. I give up. It just seems like such a shame. But the more I think about it, the more I realize, lots of people have no family. Rather than missing who isn't here I need to appreciate who is here and thats my husband and my daughters. That must be the secret to happiness. Learn when to throw in the towel. Sad but true. So I will enjoy having my father here and will consider this our Christmas get together. I will enjoy having a turkey dinner on Boxing Day with Big R. As much as she may think I don't understand, I really do. I'll take what I can get, because I love her and miss her. I'll appreciate having her here no matter what day it is.
Bottom line, its time to throw in the towel on my family. They can go the way of my in-laws. I'm fighting a losing battle. Its costing too much for my own little family. If they don't need me then I probably don't need them either. My hope was to develop relationships with them before my father passes away, so that we would still have each other when that time comes. I've been trying for years, all for naught. Its like they think I want something from them. Yeah, I wanted a family, thats all. I wanted their love. Silly me. So, once my father is gone, whats left of the family will simply disintegrate. Sad but true.
Well, time to get Hubby up and make his coffee. Have a lovely day!
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