Borderline Personality Disorder, That's Me
When I went to see that brilliant doctor back in December, I didn't know what to expect. I had seen so many doctors over the years and none of them had helped me in any way. This guy asked me a few key questions and then within a half hour he had a diagnosis and prescription for me. I couldn't believe it and had my doubts. It was all too quick and easy. He told me to check out a website when I got home to see what I think, if I agreed with him or not. He told me that the States does a lot more studying on this subject than Canada, so it's an American Institution site. He told me he went to seminars in the States for his work, because they are much more up on this subject than Canada.
The Diagnosis......Borderline Personality Disorder.
The Medication......a very low dose of Risperidone.
The Website.......Personality Disorders Institute.
After reading the website, I absolutely agreed with the doctor. It described me and my life to a tee. I was thrilled to finally know what my problem is and to know it isn't my fault. I was even more thrilled when I found the medication actually works. It does what it's supposed to do, like stabalize my moods for one thing. No more depression, yay. No more beating myself up, yay. No more rage, yay. No more chaos, yay. It's been wonderful. Hubby noticed the difference right away also.
The site discusses therapy, saying perhaps the whole family may need some. My doctor doesn't think I need it, unless I feel I want it. As long as the medication is doing the job, that's all I need. Therapy is open to me whenever I want it. I do have a therapist and have talked to her a couple of times. She works closely with the doctor. I don't see a need for it at this time.
So I've taken a couple of excerpts from the site and copied them here. These are things that jumped out at me and I can particularily relate to.
These people, who were neither insane nor mentally healthy, continued to puzzle psychiatrists for the next one hundred years. It was in this "borderland" that society and psychiatry came to place its criminals, alcoholics, suicidal people, emotionally unstable and behaviorally unpredictable people—to separate them off both from those with more clearly defined psychiatric illnesses at one border (those, for example, whose illness we have come to call schizophrenia and manic-depressive or "bipolar" disorder) and from "normal" people at the other border.
The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, mood swings, the use and abuse of drugs and alcohol as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, phobias, feelings of emptiness and loneliness, inability to tolerate being alone, problems about eating.
And, of course, the effect of the illness upon the life of the patient is equally profound: jobs are lost, successes are spoiled, relationships shattered, families alienated. The end result is all too often the failure of a promising life, or a tragic suicide.
What causes the illness that has come to be called Borderline Personality Disorder? No one cause has been identified. Instead, most cases seem to reflect a combination of contributing factors that include an inherited vulnerability, a particular temperament, early life experiences, and subtle neurological or hormonal disturbances. All of these factors interact with each other and, in turn, produce reactions in the parents and teachers of small children that often intensify the problem.
Still others experience an unusual degree of trouble with their menstrual cycle once they enter puberty.
Two experiences in growing up are very, very common among borderline people. One is the experience of being seen as apparently competent. Because these people often are in fact very competent, very smart, sensitive, clever, insightful, it is extremely difficult for others to take them seriously when they collapse in despair at a minor frustration, burst into rage over nothing, make terrible errors of judgment. When a psychotic person acts that way, people are inclined to be sympathetic--"He can't help it"--but a borderline person is told, "It's not that bad." "Shape up--grow up--don't be such a wimp--you know better." Their behavior is often regarded as wilful, manipulative, "just looking for attention."
The second experience is linked to that of being an apparently competent person--and that is the experience of being invalidated: "It can't be that bad." "Your headache--your PMS--your anxiety aren't any worse than anybody else's--why make such a fuss?" Being invalidated compounds the borderline person's self-hatred. The majority of cases of borderline personality that come to the attention of psychiatrists are women. We don't know why this is, but researchers speculate that it reflects the combined effect of more girls than boys being subjected to sexual abuse in childhood, and of the tendency of males to express emotional instability via violence toward others rather than via self-destructiveness. Borderline men, therefore, are more likely to show up in jails than in psychiatric hospitals or psychiatrists' offices.
There is a lot more on the site if you care to read the whole page. It has been a very long and frustrating journey. I know all about self medicating. I had one incompetent doctor tell me my problem was that I had a drinking problem. Even I knew that my drinking was a symptom of something else. I think I should be able to sue that doctor lol, but that's another story. I have finally mastered the social drinking thing. I used to drink with a mission. I only drank when I was upset or frustrated. I drank to get drunk. I've always been able to go long periods without drinking at all. I'm not one who has to drink every day or even every weekend. I now drink when I feel like it or when in a social situation which calls for it. It's been that way for years. I figured that out on my own, before seeing this doctor.
I know all about anxiety and panic attacks. That started about 5 or 6 years ago. The first time was so random and out of the blue, it was terrifying. I got medication for that from my old family doctor, God bless Lorazepam, and was taking that for a couple of years. Eventually I stopped taking it, because it is addictive, and I didn't feel like I needed it any more. I was fine without it for a couple of years and then again, randomly, out of the blue I had another panic attack. That's when I went to my new family doctor and got put back on it. He also sent me to the wonder doctor, at my request. He agreed with me that the other doctor may be able to help me. Though I should mention my own family doctor had asked me if I had ever been on, or wanted to try, this medication I have ended up taking. So even he had an inkling of what my problem was.
I know all about feeling suicidal. I know all about rage and feeling violent. I know all about worse than usual PMS. I know all about people not understanding. I didn't even understand it myself, but I tried.
My conclusion? These country doctors are worth their weight in gold. City doctors are money-grubbing quacks. I'm finally able to live up to my potential, live my life to its fullest and enjoy my life.
Now if we can just deal with my PMS issues, life would be pretty much perfect. My OB-GYN. will be working on that once we're finished dealing with the cervical cancer issue. Yay.
A guy just now came and picked up Hubbys shirts, yippee! Freecycle rocks! Hubby also got my sewing machine all set up for me. Now I just need to dig out the book to re-learn how to thread it, etc. and I think I'll start by making a couple of little pillows for the dogs or something like that. Practise makes perfect. (Though, we all know, I do not believe "perfection" exists!)
I'm gonna go fool around with my sewing machine now. Have a lovely evening.
The Diagnosis......Borderline Personality Disorder.
The Medication......a very low dose of Risperidone.
The Website.......Personality Disorders Institute.
After reading the website, I absolutely agreed with the doctor. It described me and my life to a tee. I was thrilled to finally know what my problem is and to know it isn't my fault. I was even more thrilled when I found the medication actually works. It does what it's supposed to do, like stabalize my moods for one thing. No more depression, yay. No more beating myself up, yay. No more rage, yay. No more chaos, yay. It's been wonderful. Hubby noticed the difference right away also.
The site discusses therapy, saying perhaps the whole family may need some. My doctor doesn't think I need it, unless I feel I want it. As long as the medication is doing the job, that's all I need. Therapy is open to me whenever I want it. I do have a therapist and have talked to her a couple of times. She works closely with the doctor. I don't see a need for it at this time.
So I've taken a couple of excerpts from the site and copied them here. These are things that jumped out at me and I can particularily relate to.
These people, who were neither insane nor mentally healthy, continued to puzzle psychiatrists for the next one hundred years. It was in this "borderland" that society and psychiatry came to place its criminals, alcoholics, suicidal people, emotionally unstable and behaviorally unpredictable people—to separate them off both from those with more clearly defined psychiatric illnesses at one border (those, for example, whose illness we have come to call schizophrenia and manic-depressive or "bipolar" disorder) and from "normal" people at the other border.
The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, mood swings, the use and abuse of drugs and alcohol as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, phobias, feelings of emptiness and loneliness, inability to tolerate being alone, problems about eating.
And, of course, the effect of the illness upon the life of the patient is equally profound: jobs are lost, successes are spoiled, relationships shattered, families alienated. The end result is all too often the failure of a promising life, or a tragic suicide.
What causes the illness that has come to be called Borderline Personality Disorder? No one cause has been identified. Instead, most cases seem to reflect a combination of contributing factors that include an inherited vulnerability, a particular temperament, early life experiences, and subtle neurological or hormonal disturbances. All of these factors interact with each other and, in turn, produce reactions in the parents and teachers of small children that often intensify the problem.
Still others experience an unusual degree of trouble with their menstrual cycle once they enter puberty.
Two experiences in growing up are very, very common among borderline people. One is the experience of being seen as apparently competent. Because these people often are in fact very competent, very smart, sensitive, clever, insightful, it is extremely difficult for others to take them seriously when they collapse in despair at a minor frustration, burst into rage over nothing, make terrible errors of judgment. When a psychotic person acts that way, people are inclined to be sympathetic--"He can't help it"--but a borderline person is told, "It's not that bad." "Shape up--grow up--don't be such a wimp--you know better." Their behavior is often regarded as wilful, manipulative, "just looking for attention."
The second experience is linked to that of being an apparently competent person--and that is the experience of being invalidated: "It can't be that bad." "Your headache--your PMS--your anxiety aren't any worse than anybody else's--why make such a fuss?" Being invalidated compounds the borderline person's self-hatred. The majority of cases of borderline personality that come to the attention of psychiatrists are women. We don't know why this is, but researchers speculate that it reflects the combined effect of more girls than boys being subjected to sexual abuse in childhood, and of the tendency of males to express emotional instability via violence toward others rather than via self-destructiveness. Borderline men, therefore, are more likely to show up in jails than in psychiatric hospitals or psychiatrists' offices.
There is a lot more on the site if you care to read the whole page. It has been a very long and frustrating journey. I know all about self medicating. I had one incompetent doctor tell me my problem was that I had a drinking problem. Even I knew that my drinking was a symptom of something else. I think I should be able to sue that doctor lol, but that's another story. I have finally mastered the social drinking thing. I used to drink with a mission. I only drank when I was upset or frustrated. I drank to get drunk. I've always been able to go long periods without drinking at all. I'm not one who has to drink every day or even every weekend. I now drink when I feel like it or when in a social situation which calls for it. It's been that way for years. I figured that out on my own, before seeing this doctor.
I know all about anxiety and panic attacks. That started about 5 or 6 years ago. The first time was so random and out of the blue, it was terrifying. I got medication for that from my old family doctor, God bless Lorazepam, and was taking that for a couple of years. Eventually I stopped taking it, because it is addictive, and I didn't feel like I needed it any more. I was fine without it for a couple of years and then again, randomly, out of the blue I had another panic attack. That's when I went to my new family doctor and got put back on it. He also sent me to the wonder doctor, at my request. He agreed with me that the other doctor may be able to help me. Though I should mention my own family doctor had asked me if I had ever been on, or wanted to try, this medication I have ended up taking. So even he had an inkling of what my problem was.
I know all about feeling suicidal. I know all about rage and feeling violent. I know all about worse than usual PMS. I know all about people not understanding. I didn't even understand it myself, but I tried.
My conclusion? These country doctors are worth their weight in gold. City doctors are money-grubbing quacks. I'm finally able to live up to my potential, live my life to its fullest and enjoy my life.
Now if we can just deal with my PMS issues, life would be pretty much perfect. My OB-GYN. will be working on that once we're finished dealing with the cervical cancer issue. Yay.
A guy just now came and picked up Hubbys shirts, yippee! Freecycle rocks! Hubby also got my sewing machine all set up for me. Now I just need to dig out the book to re-learn how to thread it, etc. and I think I'll start by making a couple of little pillows for the dogs or something like that. Practise makes perfect. (Though, we all know, I do not believe "perfection" exists!)
I'm gonna go fool around with my sewing machine now. Have a lovely evening.
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