Family

Of course I'm back. This is just too therapeutic to stay away. Though it was a very shitty ending to a very shitty summer, life must go on. I read a few excerpts from "Chicken Soup for the Mothers Soul" last night. It seems no matter what, we love our children. I love my daughter, that's why I want her in my life. It seems no matter how much she hurts me I always still love her. As sad and as hopeless as I feel now, I know it will get better with time. I'm sure I'll have moments that are harder than others, but I will get by. I have to. I have another daughter to think about. But boy do I feel like a sack of crap this morning. My eyes are swollen almost shut. I sure didn't sleep well. I tried reading between crying jags. At one point I fell asleep with the light on, sitting up. My back is aching this morning.

I don't think I can ever expect a normal loving relationship with Big R. So maybe that's a place to start, stop expecting it or hoping for it. If being far far away from me will make her happy, then good, so be it, because I want her to be happy. Its a shame for Little R though because besides me and Mr. Man thats the only family she has. And though they are 10 years apart I had hoped they could be close sisters. There's an even bigger gap between me and my sisters and we are not close. I tried for years to develop relationships with them, all for naught. They just aren't interested. They truly don't care about me. I'm not sure how that can happen, but it did. I wanted something different, something better, for my daughters.

It really sucks having no family. So those of you who do have it, take care of it, hang onto it.