No Sleep

It's 3:15 a.m and I am wide awake. I don't know what woke me up. My nose was all congested, that may be it. I think I may be coming down with the virus Little R has. I'm feeling really upset. I'm crying and everything. It's been a while since I had a good cry.

So then I went back to bed. I still coudn't sleep so I turned on the lamp to read. As I was having a coughing attack Mr. Man woke up. He was not happy and he immediately got dressed and got up. It must have only been 3:30 or so. I assume he stayed up and went to work early, he does that sometimes. I fell asleep as soon as he was up.

I awoke again around 6:30 with a start. I don't understand this because I actually took 3 Lorazepams last night. They usually help me sleep like a baby. We watched The Santa Clause 3 last night. At some point during the evening Mr. Man was talking about selling the house. That's what upset me I think. There's a lot about this place that I can't stand, but in over 5 years it has become my home. It is the first house we bought. It is the first place that was truly ours. At this point I just can't imagine giving it up. And the thought of packing and moving is terrifying. We have accumulated a lot of stuff in 5 years. The house needs a lot of work before we could sell it. The whole idea just stresses me right out.

When I think about all the places we rented before buying this place, well I don't know. Most of them were terrible. The last place we lived before here was great. Sometimes I wish we had just stayed there. The truth is Mr. Mans health is failing. He can't keep up with house repairs and maintenance, the mowing and shovelling. He just can't do it. We still need a new roof. Now we're having some kind of electrcal problem, half the house doesn't work. I hope he at least waits until after we get to burn all that beatiful birch tree wood before he sells it. In a way I wouldn't mind moving to town. I am feeling very isolated here. It would be nice to be able to go out walking and window shopping. Or to just have the convenience of having stores nearby. Our little store closes at 7 every night, which has been inconvenient many times. But when I think of SWs new apartment I just want to cry. It's so tiny, I can't imagine us living somewhere like that. If we were to move back down to the city I would really miss the snow among other things. I don't think going back to the city is really an option.

So where would we go? We wouldn't be able to buy another house. We lost all our equity in this place. The only place I can imagine going back to is the place we lived before moving here, but even that is in the city. I'll miss my fireplace. I'll miss my nieghbours. I'll miss living in the country. And what about the dog? Not everywhere would let us have a dog. He is getting old but he has a few good years left in him. I'm spoiled for the country. The wide open spaces. The quiet.

But Mr. Man seems to have it stuck in his head that we will be selling soon. I'm very distressed. First there's a ton of work to do to make it sellable. There's a lot of stuff to get rid of to clear it out. Things we wouldn't be able to take with us. We would need storage for the bike. I think an apartment is out of the question. I think we'd have to throw away a lot of our worn out old furniture and sell the rest. Probably Freecycle a ton of stuff. I just don't even want to think about it.

Why does he do this to me? I'm trying to think happy Christmas thoughts. It's been wonderful having his brother here with us. Though I would have preferred just having him in our life not neccesarily living with us. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes it's annoying. I think I'm getting used to it. It would be a lot easier to swallow if he was actually working. I think he's getting a little depressed with no work. I just get no time alone any more, when that's all I had before, too much time alone. It went from one extreme to the other. Thankfully he's at least very helpful around the house. Being trapped here with T and Little R and no vehicle is very trying. With the power out in half the house we have no tv either. That makes for very long days. I've been sleeping a lot again. Just to pass the day.

I want to get more shopping done but the money situation won't allow that. I have to be patient. So I'll be out there at the last minute shopping. I should wrap up what I've already got but that's kind of difficult with Little R and T here all the time. I need to get everyone out of the house to do it. I only have a little over 2 weeks left to finish shopping. I won't have any money for a while yet. Stress me out. I knew I should have done it sooner. Next year I'm going to be on top of it. It makes the season so much more enjoyable.

I'm so upset at the thought of selling the house. It really messed with my sleep last night. I'm totally stressed about Christmas shopping. I'm worried about Mr. Man having a heart attack. And I'm worried I may have cervical cancer. Add to that I'm trapped here without money or a car. There is no electrcity to half the house. It's snowing again. We already have a couple of feet of snow on the ground. I know things will all work out in the end. They always do. I'm trying to be upbeat. I'm trying to feel the Christmas spirit. I'm not depressed like I was. I am feeling better. Still not 100% but better. I stopped listing things on eBay for now. It was just becoming more trouble than it was worth. I'm taking a break from it until after the holidays.

Thank you for letting me vent. I have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of worries. I'll probably sleep half the day away again. I may attempt to get some gift wrapping done in my bedroom today. My Christmas cards are all written and ready to go, I just need a few more stamps. I did that yesterday. I've already received 4 cards. I like to send mine a little later than this. So they'll probably sit there for another week or so before I send them.

K, I'm done. Time to start my day. I've been up for hours. I don't know where to start. Everyone else is still sleeping. Except Mr. Man who's been at work for hours. Thanks again for listening to me complain. Have a great day.