Long, Hot, Muggy, Night
Good evening...
It is so muggy and humid outside one can hardly breathe. I just stepped out with my guy (on a leash this time, there will be no more getting skunked!) and I couldn't believe how thick the air is. Its just shy of midnight and I'm wide awake. Didn't do anything all day, it was too hot and I was too depressed. Little R went home with my nephew and his family to visit with them for a couple of days after the family barbecue, so she wasn't here forcing me to do stuff. I really, really missed her today. It was too quiet and lonely without her. Hubby will be bringing her home with him tomorrow. So I fell asleep early evening, woke up in tears, I've been having the damnedest dreams lately, a lot with or about my Mom, and when I wake up to realize shes dead, and has been for 22 years, its like she just died on me all over again. Seeing my father this weekend, as of July 19th in his 92nd year, seems to bring these dreams and feelings on for me. Now that I only see him a couple of times a year, I really notice him aging and getting more frail. I think I really need to make an effort to spend more time with him. I just seem to go through these times when I miss my Mom terribly, even after all these years. Hubby told me he has the same experiences, and he lost BOTH parents, but I guess being a man, he doesn't always cry about it. I think its not just my Mom, its several family members who I grew up with but are not here now. My sister, my siblings spouses, a niece...And then of the people who are still around, my brother won't come here because of my dog and spends his summer away at his trailer anyways. My oldest sister lives too far away and doesn't drive and isn't in the best of health anyways. A lot of nieces and nephews who I rarely see, some who don't want to be bothered with me, some who have moved away. I'm down to one aunt and uncle. I did invite them to this barbecue, but I think my uncle isn't in the best of health either, and its a long drive for them. They did invite us to visit them and I think I may just take them up on that, but I'm afraid it will only depress me further in the long run.
I wish Big R would get on with the grandbaby thing. That would put some life back into my life. But, she is only 23. I guess I never mentioned her birthday, (and I see I did post that day), on July 27th. Her guy's birthday was July 21st, he turned 30. He spoiled her rotten for her birthday! So Happy Birthdays you two!!
I'm feeling very out of touch. Maybe I do need to make a trip to the city. I actually kind of miss it. Then of course there is S.P. I miss her. Clearly, she doesn't feel the same about me. I wish we could have talked about things, ironed things out and gone on with it. I had hoped to provoke a reaction out of her in my previous posts (since deleted), but, to no avail. I just got tired of making all the initiations and being ignored. It seems her life just doesn't include me any more. I can't think of anything I can do about that, I tried.
I'm just feeling really confused...not SURE about ANYTHING. My house does not feel like my haven, which it should! I don't see enough of the Hubby, we spend no time together any more, but when we do, its not quality time. I miss riding. He just hasn't had the time to work on the bike.
How does this happen? How do I go from being happy and content to depressed and confused in a couple of months? Maybe I never really was happy or content...
Anyhow, the barbecue went ok. Hubby had to build a frame and hang a tarp for shade. It was another very hot day, we needed some form of shade. It looks like hell but it did the job. Everything was fine until the food came out. There we were trying to eat and being attacked by flies and these weird little black bugs which no one could identify, and they were the worst actually. It was very uncomfortable. As soon as we took in all the food and dishes and brought out the cake, it started to rain. So then we had to move it all inside. The rain kind of dampened things. Half an hour later, the sun was shining again and the birds were singing and our guests were all leaving after the cake. It was disappointing, again. I give up. I do have a couple of pictures, didn't get a chance to get any truly good ones.
And ohmy its after 1 a.m now! I've been sitting here blogging, watching t.v, taking the dog out and time sure flies! I'll post pictures tomorrow.
Have a cool night....
It is so muggy and humid outside one can hardly breathe. I just stepped out with my guy (on a leash this time, there will be no more getting skunked!) and I couldn't believe how thick the air is. Its just shy of midnight and I'm wide awake. Didn't do anything all day, it was too hot and I was too depressed. Little R went home with my nephew and his family to visit with them for a couple of days after the family barbecue, so she wasn't here forcing me to do stuff. I really, really missed her today. It was too quiet and lonely without her. Hubby will be bringing her home with him tomorrow. So I fell asleep early evening, woke up in tears, I've been having the damnedest dreams lately, a lot with or about my Mom, and when I wake up to realize shes dead, and has been for 22 years, its like she just died on me all over again. Seeing my father this weekend, as of July 19th in his 92nd year, seems to bring these dreams and feelings on for me. Now that I only see him a couple of times a year, I really notice him aging and getting more frail. I think I really need to make an effort to spend more time with him. I just seem to go through these times when I miss my Mom terribly, even after all these years. Hubby told me he has the same experiences, and he lost BOTH parents, but I guess being a man, he doesn't always cry about it. I think its not just my Mom, its several family members who I grew up with but are not here now. My sister, my siblings spouses, a niece...And then of the people who are still around, my brother won't come here because of my dog and spends his summer away at his trailer anyways. My oldest sister lives too far away and doesn't drive and isn't in the best of health anyways. A lot of nieces and nephews who I rarely see, some who don't want to be bothered with me, some who have moved away. I'm down to one aunt and uncle. I did invite them to this barbecue, but I think my uncle isn't in the best of health either, and its a long drive for them. They did invite us to visit them and I think I may just take them up on that, but I'm afraid it will only depress me further in the long run.
I wish Big R would get on with the grandbaby thing. That would put some life back into my life. But, she is only 23. I guess I never mentioned her birthday, (and I see I did post that day), on July 27th. Her guy's birthday was July 21st, he turned 30. He spoiled her rotten for her birthday! So Happy Birthdays you two!!
I'm feeling very out of touch. Maybe I do need to make a trip to the city. I actually kind of miss it. Then of course there is S.P. I miss her. Clearly, she doesn't feel the same about me. I wish we could have talked about things, ironed things out and gone on with it. I had hoped to provoke a reaction out of her in my previous posts (since deleted), but, to no avail. I just got tired of making all the initiations and being ignored. It seems her life just doesn't include me any more. I can't think of anything I can do about that, I tried.
I'm just feeling really confused...not SURE about ANYTHING. My house does not feel like my haven, which it should! I don't see enough of the Hubby, we spend no time together any more, but when we do, its not quality time. I miss riding. He just hasn't had the time to work on the bike.
How does this happen? How do I go from being happy and content to depressed and confused in a couple of months? Maybe I never really was happy or content...
Anyhow, the barbecue went ok. Hubby had to build a frame and hang a tarp for shade. It was another very hot day, we needed some form of shade. It looks like hell but it did the job. Everything was fine until the food came out. There we were trying to eat and being attacked by flies and these weird little black bugs which no one could identify, and they were the worst actually. It was very uncomfortable. As soon as we took in all the food and dishes and brought out the cake, it started to rain. So then we had to move it all inside. The rain kind of dampened things. Half an hour later, the sun was shining again and the birds were singing and our guests were all leaving after the cake. It was disappointing, again. I give up. I do have a couple of pictures, didn't get a chance to get any truly good ones.
And ohmy its after 1 a.m now! I've been sitting here blogging, watching t.v, taking the dog out and time sure flies! I'll post pictures tomorrow.
Have a cool night....
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