Just A Matter Of Time
Well things have been pretty uneventful. I learned today that Little R would take the last pack of smokes and leave me with none. How nice. It's reached the point of get a job or get out. Things are not going well in that area of our life. Last week she disappeared for 3 days. She does absolutely nothing around here to contribute. She steals from us endlessly. I'm at the end of my rope with her.
I pretty much haven't left the apartment since last weekend. We've had some really nice days, and I just don't go out. If someone was going with me, I might be more inclined to go out. But to just go out for a walk by myself, not happening.
I'm so upset with Little R. And I'm still upset about Bear. We had to drive by our old house the other day and that depressed me. I'm in the throes of kicking my addiction, again. That is no walk in the park. It's been about a week so far this time. It is very difficult. I'm determined to stick to it this time though.
The apartment is a mess again. It's all up to me to clean it up. Some days it's just overwhelming. I don't want it to be like this either. But when you are trapped in it, surrounded by it day in and day out, eventually you just don't see it. I do a little each day, but it makes no difference. I need to do more each day. Honestly I'm just so unhappy, I don't give a shit about anything.
Once the dog was gone, the urgency to find a house was gone. It doesn't matter now. But I'm still faced with trying to fit all this stuff into this small space. Sitting out on a 6th floor balcony is nothing like walking out to your own backyard. I really do still want another house. I must have a dishwasher. I really miss my brand new appliances. Simply put, this is not how my life is supposed to be. And I feel like I have very little control over the whole thing.
Money seems to disintigrate as soon as we get it. I haven't even started Christmas shopping. And where the hell are we supposed to put a Christmas tree in this place? It's bad enough we aren't allowed to have a real tree, but we don't even have the room for a little fake one. We could make room if all the boxes were unpacked, but that is at a standstill.
The weather has been pretty good. It's been pretty mild. It gets chilly some days, but generally I think it's above normal for this time of year. Usually we have snow by now. One day it was snowing but then the sun would come out, then it would get all dark again and blizzard for a while, then the sun would come back out. It went like that all day.
I'm not in a good place right now. I'm depressed. I want to feel better but don't know what to do to accomplish that. I'm sitting around in my jammies all day, watching tv and playing on the computer. I don't even have the motivation to get dressed and go for a walk. I'm ignoring the housework and the unpacking. I'm trying to beat my addiction. That is taking my all. I just don't feel right. It makes me feel sick sometimes. It is out of my system now, but it isn't out of my mind. I still miss the dog every day. I miss having sit down dinners with my family. (The diningroom table is covered in stuff I'm unpacking, and the dishes are really piling up).
Mr. Man works so hard. He deserves a nice cooked dinner when he gets home. I rarely cook any more. Lately he thinks being mean to me will push me into action. It's backfiring. It just makes me more depressed.
I honestly don't know what it will take. Maybe just time. Maybe when I get over losing Bear. Maybe when I get over my addiction. Maybe when Little R gets a job and starts helping out. I just don't know.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, Port Dover. I was really hoping to go. Mr. Man has a meeting tomorrow so we can't go. I'm thinking maybe after his meeting we could go for a couple of hours. I'll have to ask him about that tonight. We always have such a good time there. We always run into people we haven't seen in a long time. It's fun, a good night out for us.
Well, not much else to say. Things are the same old same old. Life is just not going our way right now. But things will get better. It's just a matter of time.
Have a great day.
I pretty much haven't left the apartment since last weekend. We've had some really nice days, and I just don't go out. If someone was going with me, I might be more inclined to go out. But to just go out for a walk by myself, not happening.
I'm so upset with Little R. And I'm still upset about Bear. We had to drive by our old house the other day and that depressed me. I'm in the throes of kicking my addiction, again. That is no walk in the park. It's been about a week so far this time. It is very difficult. I'm determined to stick to it this time though.
The apartment is a mess again. It's all up to me to clean it up. Some days it's just overwhelming. I don't want it to be like this either. But when you are trapped in it, surrounded by it day in and day out, eventually you just don't see it. I do a little each day, but it makes no difference. I need to do more each day. Honestly I'm just so unhappy, I don't give a shit about anything.
Once the dog was gone, the urgency to find a house was gone. It doesn't matter now. But I'm still faced with trying to fit all this stuff into this small space. Sitting out on a 6th floor balcony is nothing like walking out to your own backyard. I really do still want another house. I must have a dishwasher. I really miss my brand new appliances. Simply put, this is not how my life is supposed to be. And I feel like I have very little control over the whole thing.
Money seems to disintigrate as soon as we get it. I haven't even started Christmas shopping. And where the hell are we supposed to put a Christmas tree in this place? It's bad enough we aren't allowed to have a real tree, but we don't even have the room for a little fake one. We could make room if all the boxes were unpacked, but that is at a standstill.
The weather has been pretty good. It's been pretty mild. It gets chilly some days, but generally I think it's above normal for this time of year. Usually we have snow by now. One day it was snowing but then the sun would come out, then it would get all dark again and blizzard for a while, then the sun would come back out. It went like that all day.
I'm not in a good place right now. I'm depressed. I want to feel better but don't know what to do to accomplish that. I'm sitting around in my jammies all day, watching tv and playing on the computer. I don't even have the motivation to get dressed and go for a walk. I'm ignoring the housework and the unpacking. I'm trying to beat my addiction. That is taking my all. I just don't feel right. It makes me feel sick sometimes. It is out of my system now, but it isn't out of my mind. I still miss the dog every day. I miss having sit down dinners with my family. (The diningroom table is covered in stuff I'm unpacking, and the dishes are really piling up).
Mr. Man works so hard. He deserves a nice cooked dinner when he gets home. I rarely cook any more. Lately he thinks being mean to me will push me into action. It's backfiring. It just makes me more depressed.
I honestly don't know what it will take. Maybe just time. Maybe when I get over losing Bear. Maybe when I get over my addiction. Maybe when Little R gets a job and starts helping out. I just don't know.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, Port Dover. I was really hoping to go. Mr. Man has a meeting tomorrow so we can't go. I'm thinking maybe after his meeting we could go for a couple of hours. I'll have to ask him about that tonight. We always have such a good time there. We always run into people we haven't seen in a long time. It's fun, a good night out for us.
Well, not much else to say. Things are the same old same old. Life is just not going our way right now. But things will get better. It's just a matter of time.
Have a great day.
1 Comments:
Depression Sucks! I battle with it constantly...mildly.
Take walks out in the sun. Just DO IT!
FYI- Life will never be 'ideal'.
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