One Last Post About Strumby, Mama's Guy

Sadly our computer has crashed a couple of times and we've lost A LOT of pictures. I did save some to disk but now my computer won't read them. So, I'm short on pictures. I posted what I have on Facebook, so I'll never lose them.

It's getting easier. I didn't cry quite so much yesterday, just a few times. So far today I haven't cried. But I'll tell you, I wake up in the morning thinking about him and I go to sleep at night thinking about him.

He really was my reason to get up each day. Since we moved to the apartment in town I had to actually get dressed and take him out first thing each morning. He got me going every day. I had to stay dressed to take him out. No more lounging around in my jammies all day. That's what I used to do at the house in paradise, because I could just open the back door and let him out, I didn't need to be dressed.

He was my constant companion. He was with me all day every day. Even when we went out he came with us more often than not. He followed me around the house all day. If I left the room he was right behind me. When I laid down in bed he was right there beside me. We hugged and kissed and snuggled every single day.

It's a little hard to believe, even I don't believe just how damn much I loved that dog. I knew I would lose it when we lost him. But I didn't realize how intense it would be. We thought we would have him for a couple more years anyway. I knew he was getting old, but I had no idea it was this close. It was so sudden. Everything happened too fast. I did get to say good bye, but I didn't prolong it, it was kind of quick. I did get one last tender little kiss from him. (Now I'm crying.) I told him I love him, but I don't remember if I told him he's a good boy. That's bothering me. I didn't go with him, to be with him for the end. That is driving me crazy. I just didn't want to see him die. But I should have been thinking of him. He needed me to be there. He deserved me to be there. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish.

All his stuff is gone. I Freecycled everything. His toys, his bed, his dishes, the muzzle we never used, his food, everything. All that's left is clumps of hair on the floor. I can't bring myself to sweep them away. Once they're gone, all signs of him will be gone. I just can't do it yet. (Still bawling.)

My most recent pet name for him was Strumby. Don't ask me where that came from, but that was it. He was also Mama's boy, my guy, Bearzin, which turned into Zinny lol. And he answered to these names. Mr. Man said he's going to have to start a new blog because the name of his blog is "The Other Guy", meaning he's the other guy besides Bear, who was MY GUY.

He really meant the world to me. Even I can't believe just how attached I was to him. I'm a little stunned at how intense my grief is. I'm more upset about losing him than I was over losing certain people, simply because I was closer to him than to them. That's not easy to admit. I've actually been praying for the pain to go away or lighten up. I think my prayers are being answered. It is lightening up. I'm just trying to keep busy. And blogging about it is helping a bit. Of course it's just going to take time.

The vet said he was suffering. So at least he's at peace and no longer suffering. He had been sick for a while, exactly how long I don't know. He had slowed down in the last year or so. I hate to think he was suffering all that time. I don't think so. He went quickly and with dignity. He's gone and I need to accept it.

This will be the last post about him, I promise. I just found it therapeutic. It helped me feel a little better. He will live on in my heart and memory.

You were the best dog anyone could ask for. You are loved and missed. Rest in peace Strumby. xoxoxoxoxox