Living In The Past

Good morning.

Coffee with S.W was nice. Haven't talked much in the last few weeks so it was nice to get together. We both did some venting and sharing.

Emotions are running high in this house these days. There is an awful lot going on. Anyone who has ever been through an insurance lawsuit knows what that can be like. 'Nuff said.

There is a constant pressure living beside the troll and the clown. (Hey "Anonymous", you would probably get along really well with them!) Though I must say, I've become pretty good at not seeing them. Over time it has gotten easier to not even think about them, even when I do happen to see them.

On the other side, they seem to have given up the constant complaining campaign. It didn't get them anywhere. I've heard he has cancer now, so maybe that's become more important to them. Tragic that it takes something like cancer to make people realize they just shouldn't waste their effort sweating the petty stuff.

Anyone who knows me, knows I always get emotional at Christmas. The closer it gets the more emotional I get. There are several reasons for this. I am naturally a sentimental person. It's in my nature, it's part of who I am.
The biggest thing is missing my mom. I remember how it was when she was here and reflect on how it's never been the same without her.
I regret that I never got to learn things from her like baking and cooking, which is a big thing at Christmas.
I remember how much she loved Christmas and taught me to love it also.
There are just millions of little memories. I remember the big dinners with all, or most, of the family there. I was quite young in those days. See, I grew up more or less, as an only child. My siblings are all much older than me. So it was wonderful to have all those people at the house, there was nothing I loved more. My siblings and all their kids, it was great!
Often for the adults, there was a few drinks and then a trip off to midnight mass. My mom, happily giggling as she tripped through the snow, coming or going for midnight mass.
One year, and I must have been very young, we had gone out Christmas Eve to visit, I don't remember who, and when we came home there was a teddy bear sitting on the kitchen counter. No one knew where it had come from. That sealed it for me! I BELIEVED! I'm sure I rushed off to bed that night.

My mom, as I'm sure I've said before, has been gone for 22 years now. It is nice to have memories like that, happy memories.

Eventually, someone else had to take over the Christmas dinner, or get together at least, if the family was going to stick together at all. It was chaotic, everyone was busy, the kids were growing up, many had jobs which had them out working on Christmas. But most years, though it was never the same as having the matriarch there, my sister, Gail, would put on a dinner and cram the whole remaining family into her place. It was never the same and it was never the whole family. But we all appreciated the effort and did our best. Gail and her husband both had jobs that called for them to work on Christmas sometimes, so sometimes they weren't even there.
In October 1995 Gail passed away after a lengthy battle with ovarian cancer. Christmas '95 wasn't very festive.
For the next few years it was scattered, it would be Christmas Eve get togethers at various homes, mainly Gails daughter and daughter-in-law were the ones trying to keep it going. It was overshadowed by them all missing their mom and me missing my mom and my sister.
Then I turned into Clark Griswald and decided we were gonna have an old fashioned family Christmas all together at my place dammit. By now, my siblings kids have all grown, have kids of their own, and some have jobs which require them to work on Christmas. We did that for a few years, whoever could make it showed up.
In 2000, Gails daughter Jane, passed away Christmas Eve after a lengthy battle with cancer. She was only 34. I had the best dinner yet, all planned and in the making. I wasn't informed of her passing until mid morning Christmas Day. Obviously some people just could not come. It was kind of left up to me if I wanted to go ahead with the dinner or not, and I passed the decision off to others, and between us we agreed to go ahead and make the best of it. It was a very very sad Christmas dinner.
In 2001, Gails husband, decided he was going home to Ireland for the holidays. He had just lost his wife and daughter and wanted to go back to see his own siblings etc. He had an early dinner in the party room at the condo he had moved to after Gail died. Whoever could make it, was there. Thats the last time I ever saw him. He died of a massive heart attack, back in Ireland, on Christmas Eve.
Again, it was me putting on the dinner, but actually on Christmas Eve instead of the 25th for whatever now forgotten reason. So there I was peeling vegetables or whatever when my brother showed up for dinner and informed me that my brother-in-law had passed away that day. Another very sad Christmas.

Through all this, I wanted my kids to be able to experience some of the things I experienced i.e a big old fashioned family Christmas. With global warming and all, there was never even any snow for my kids to experience. With all the deaths, there isn't much family left.

I don't think it's all that difficult to understand why I may get emotional this time of year.

As far as my Hubby, well, he has no family, period. Me and our kids are his family. He has his own issues of missing his family etc. What's left of my family, is his family. They really do love him and he them.

I've done my best with my own kids. One reason we moved here was the snow belt factor, we're pretty sure to always have a white Christmas.
Thus far Big R has managed to come up and stay over, but in my opinion doesn't stay long enough.
We really try. I am grateful for the memories I have. I have tried my damndest to create new memories with and for my daughters. Big R once told me she has nothing but good memories of Christmas.
So we do the best we can. We try new and different things. We create new traditions. We struggle through Christmas each year. But it isn't getting easier. Little R is kind of in the same boat I was, living like an only child. It can be lonely. That makes me feel bad for her.

So yeah, shoot me, I get emotional about Christmas. Big fuckin deal.

Let me tell you something "Anonymous". It has nothing to do with living in the past.

Now, stalking and haunting me, someone who's been out of your life for many years, by choice not by death, that's living in the past. To pick this time of year, to pull your shit, assuming it will be most hurtful, is just nasty. But that's you. Your goal is to hurt and upset me. You don't have any family or friends or happy memories. You are miserable and always have been. You like to share your misery. Thats all. Thats you.

Newsflash...it doesn't affect me. Since I don't care one way or the other about you, since you are nothing to me but a small bad memory, you can't hurt me. But thank you so much for showing your true colours to the rest of the world.

You are so pathetic. I feel pity for you if anything. You are vindictive. You are hateful. You are selfish and greedy. You are thoughtless. You are arrogant. You are ignorant. And you know, I can't even think of a single good quality that you possess! You are just a sad waste of human life.

I don't need an analyst, thank you, got one. If you would like to go around analysing people, why don't you go get yourself educated first. Better yet, just find a good one for yourself.

Rather than stalking me and my life, why not go out and get your own life? Rather than continually telling me to look in a mirror, why not take your own advice? Rather than hiding, lurking, waiting, for a perceived weakness to pounce on, to attack me, just....move....on.

And by the way, if keeping a blog isn't like looking in a mirror at times, I don't know what is.

So yeah, have a peach of a day.