My Miserable Day
I went to the doctor this morning. I had a pap test and he checked my cervix. According to him it looks fine. What the other doctor saw was marks from my previous biopsies. I am entering menopause. I went 8 months without a period and then they started up again. The doctor says once you go 12 months you shouldn't have any more. So after that 8 months, in December I had one hell of a period. It was heavy and the pain sent me to the hospital. Since then I've had 2 more lighter ones. That's 3 periods in like 6 weeks. So he gave me a scrip for Progesterone I think it is and this is supposed to even out my periods. I go back in a month. I'm just thrilled that my cervix looks ok. I've been convinced I have cancer.
Things have been a little rocky around this house lately. I've just been in a depressed state. But I've been bitchy too. Mr. Man is almost always miserable. We clashed last night and it wasn't pretty. I ended up jumping in the car and leaving. The only problem was I really had nowhere to go. At that moment, in my mind, I wasn't coming back. After a couple of hours of driving around and parking here and there, I decided it was best to come back home. By then everyone had cooled off. But you know, the damage is done. I feel all out of sorts today. Part of that is from waking up to find Mr. Man already gone to work. I hate when he doesn't wake me up before he goes. Part of it is hurt feelings from last night.
I have mixed feelings about his brother staying with us. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I'm not. Obviously I won't kick him out, I'm not going to see him be homeless. But damn sometimes it's hard to have someone staying with you. I keep going back to the fact that I didn't even have a say in it. Though I probably would have agreed anyways. He is working now, so that's a good thing, but it doesn't sound like he plans on staying with this job. I just find it causes tension around here at times, and that we don't need. Mr. Man is stuck in the middle. And he's not doing a very good job of that.
And there's all this talk about selling the house and moving to town. It's really upsetting me. Just the thought of the actual act of moving drives me into depression. There is so much that needs to be done first before we could sell this place. And I'm not sure I want to move. It's driving me crazy.
It's bitter cold outside, so it's a little chilly in the house. I am having problems getting a decent fire going today. Not sure why, but I'm really not feeling well. The last thing I want is to feel cold in my own house. I didn't get enough sleep last night, no one did. But I really don't want to crawl into bed either. I just want a good fire.
Little R goes back to school the beginning of February. I think she's been slacking on the home course. We had to pay for this course. What a waste of money if she doesn't complete it. Supposedly she's working on it right now up in her room. I have my doubts.
Big R is moving out of her dads into her own apartment. I found out by her status on her messenger. I had hoped she would just move back to Ontario. Doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon.
It just feels like nothing is going right. It feels like everything is wrong. I feel like a complete failure as a wife and as a parent. Nothing is as it should be. And now I'm edging into being a failure as a sister-in-law too. Oh and lets not forget I'm a failure at being a friend also. I'm just a big fat failure. That's how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different, but I doubt it. Something has to give. Something has to change. Our luck has to change. I feel like I'm getting some really bad karma, but I don't know why that would be. Will the good times ever come back?
I'm so scrambled today, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired of the computer. I have nothing to do on it any more. I have nothing to take pictures of. I have no hobbies or crafts to do. I feel trapped in this cold house. I feel so bad about last night, but at the same time, I wish the car was here so I could take off again. And maybe this time I wouldn't come back.
Have a great day.
Things have been a little rocky around this house lately. I've just been in a depressed state. But I've been bitchy too. Mr. Man is almost always miserable. We clashed last night and it wasn't pretty. I ended up jumping in the car and leaving. The only problem was I really had nowhere to go. At that moment, in my mind, I wasn't coming back. After a couple of hours of driving around and parking here and there, I decided it was best to come back home. By then everyone had cooled off. But you know, the damage is done. I feel all out of sorts today. Part of that is from waking up to find Mr. Man already gone to work. I hate when he doesn't wake me up before he goes. Part of it is hurt feelings from last night.
I have mixed feelings about his brother staying with us. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I'm not. Obviously I won't kick him out, I'm not going to see him be homeless. But damn sometimes it's hard to have someone staying with you. I keep going back to the fact that I didn't even have a say in it. Though I probably would have agreed anyways. He is working now, so that's a good thing, but it doesn't sound like he plans on staying with this job. I just find it causes tension around here at times, and that we don't need. Mr. Man is stuck in the middle. And he's not doing a very good job of that.
And there's all this talk about selling the house and moving to town. It's really upsetting me. Just the thought of the actual act of moving drives me into depression. There is so much that needs to be done first before we could sell this place. And I'm not sure I want to move. It's driving me crazy.
It's bitter cold outside, so it's a little chilly in the house. I am having problems getting a decent fire going today. Not sure why, but I'm really not feeling well. The last thing I want is to feel cold in my own house. I didn't get enough sleep last night, no one did. But I really don't want to crawl into bed either. I just want a good fire.
Little R goes back to school the beginning of February. I think she's been slacking on the home course. We had to pay for this course. What a waste of money if she doesn't complete it. Supposedly she's working on it right now up in her room. I have my doubts.
Big R is moving out of her dads into her own apartment. I found out by her status on her messenger. I had hoped she would just move back to Ontario. Doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon.
It just feels like nothing is going right. It feels like everything is wrong. I feel like a complete failure as a wife and as a parent. Nothing is as it should be. And now I'm edging into being a failure as a sister-in-law too. Oh and lets not forget I'm a failure at being a friend also. I'm just a big fat failure. That's how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different, but I doubt it. Something has to give. Something has to change. Our luck has to change. I feel like I'm getting some really bad karma, but I don't know why that would be. Will the good times ever come back?
I'm so scrambled today, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired of the computer. I have nothing to do on it any more. I have nothing to take pictures of. I have no hobbies or crafts to do. I feel trapped in this cold house. I feel so bad about last night, but at the same time, I wish the car was here so I could take off again. And maybe this time I wouldn't come back.
Have a great day.
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