Wearing Out My Jammies
It seems I haven't gotten dressed since New Years. I've been in my jammies for 12 days. I know I must have got dressed to go to counselling and to go grocery shopping and stuff like that, but I must have slipped right back into my jammies as soon as I got home. Part of my therapy is making the effort to get dressed each day. Guess that isn't going so well. It just seems pointless to get dressed when I know I'm not going anywhere and I know no one is coming here. Why bother?
This morning was weird. The sun was shining but it was snowing. I took a few pictures of it and in not one of them can you tell it's snowing. I wanted to capture the flakes glinting in the sunshine, but it just didn't work.
I'm back on track with my resolution, it's been 2 days. I can't really say what it is I'm giving up. But it's not easy. Today was a long day. Here it is 11 p.m and I'm feeling all weepy. Little R and Mr. Man have both gone to bed. That leaves me and my brother-in-law. He is hogging the tv, in fact he's been hogging the tv all day. I'm not yet used to having to share things like that. And I'd rather have him up hogging the tv than sleeping all day. But I'm down here in the computer cave, all by myself, without the tv for background, with a fire going that I have kept going for days, and I'm feeling lonely. All the Christmas stuff has been removed from this room. The Christmas packing boxes are scattered all over the place though. We still have to take down the fake tree upstairs. In a way I'm glad I only did minimal decorating this time. It makes it that much easier to take it all down. I usually leave it up for a long time so I'm pretty on top of it this year.
But I'm not sure what is making me all weepy. Little R hopped on the school bus and went to town again this morning. At least she let me know she was going this time instead of sneaking out. And she did come home on the school bus rather than having us pick her up later. I told her we wouldn't pick her up, she better take the bus home or she would be stranded in town. I don't know how well she's doing with her homeschooling course. It's a course I just don't understand. Hopefully she will have it finished before she goes back to school in February, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I was pretty upset at her leaving this morning. That could be part of why I am weepy.
I'm sure I'm in withdrawal, that is making me weepy. I really don't like Mondays, that makes me weepy. I miss Mr. Man when he goes back to work on Mondays. I used to love Mondays, I used to enjoy the peace and quiet, not any more. In fact I start feeling the anxiety on Sunday nights now. Living here has really changed, with no friends and no car. I'm thinking more and more about moving to town. Yesterday I looked outside and the only word to describe it is desolate. Nothing but snow. Sure there's other houses, but no cars, no people. It can make me cry. I'm crying now just remembering how it made me feel. I'm beginning to think moving to the country wasn't the best thing for us to do. I still love it here. I'm just feeling so isolated and lonely. I hate the city. But I miss the convenience of it. I'm just really confused. I don't know what I want. And I think all of it boils down to my depression.
Because if I wasn't depressed I could see the beauty in things. I would enjoy my own company again. I could think clearly and know what I want. I wouldn't be anxious and weepy.
Oh I wish I knew how to beat this thing. I really do try, believe it or not. I thought it would go away when Mr. Man was allowed to come home. But lets face it, it was there before any of that happened. I just don't know what nudge it will take. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. I know it's all up to me. I have to make changes.
I don't know. So I'm plugging along. Weepy and depressed. Isolated and lonely. Confused. Even though it's the middle of the night, I think I will take a shower and put on different jammies. Tomorrow I will tackle taking down the Christmas tree upstairs. Then I can get T to help me put away all the boxes. Then I can invite H from nextdoor over for coffee. They are the new neighbours and she has expressed an interest in getting together for coffee. We'll see.
All my posts lately have been about me being depressed. It's the center of my life. I don't want it to be. It is what it is. I wish I had something else to talk about. I spent the weekend watching Mr. Man play a game on Game Cube. I took turns but he is much better at it than I am. I enjoyed just spending that time together in our own little world. The game is so addicting he will only play it on the weekends.
Well on second thought, something just came on tv that I want to watch, it's kind of late for a shower. I'll shower tomorrow. And get dressed. And try to keep busy. Well it's late so I'll sign off. Have a great night and a good day tomorrow.
This morning was weird. The sun was shining but it was snowing. I took a few pictures of it and in not one of them can you tell it's snowing. I wanted to capture the flakes glinting in the sunshine, but it just didn't work.
I'm back on track with my resolution, it's been 2 days. I can't really say what it is I'm giving up. But it's not easy. Today was a long day. Here it is 11 p.m and I'm feeling all weepy. Little R and Mr. Man have both gone to bed. That leaves me and my brother-in-law. He is hogging the tv, in fact he's been hogging the tv all day. I'm not yet used to having to share things like that. And I'd rather have him up hogging the tv than sleeping all day. But I'm down here in the computer cave, all by myself, without the tv for background, with a fire going that I have kept going for days, and I'm feeling lonely. All the Christmas stuff has been removed from this room. The Christmas packing boxes are scattered all over the place though. We still have to take down the fake tree upstairs. In a way I'm glad I only did minimal decorating this time. It makes it that much easier to take it all down. I usually leave it up for a long time so I'm pretty on top of it this year.
But I'm not sure what is making me all weepy. Little R hopped on the school bus and went to town again this morning. At least she let me know she was going this time instead of sneaking out. And she did come home on the school bus rather than having us pick her up later. I told her we wouldn't pick her up, she better take the bus home or she would be stranded in town. I don't know how well she's doing with her homeschooling course. It's a course I just don't understand. Hopefully she will have it finished before she goes back to school in February, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I was pretty upset at her leaving this morning. That could be part of why I am weepy.
I'm sure I'm in withdrawal, that is making me weepy. I really don't like Mondays, that makes me weepy. I miss Mr. Man when he goes back to work on Mondays. I used to love Mondays, I used to enjoy the peace and quiet, not any more. In fact I start feeling the anxiety on Sunday nights now. Living here has really changed, with no friends and no car. I'm thinking more and more about moving to town. Yesterday I looked outside and the only word to describe it is desolate. Nothing but snow. Sure there's other houses, but no cars, no people. It can make me cry. I'm crying now just remembering how it made me feel. I'm beginning to think moving to the country wasn't the best thing for us to do. I still love it here. I'm just feeling so isolated and lonely. I hate the city. But I miss the convenience of it. I'm just really confused. I don't know what I want. And I think all of it boils down to my depression.
Because if I wasn't depressed I could see the beauty in things. I would enjoy my own company again. I could think clearly and know what I want. I wouldn't be anxious and weepy.
Oh I wish I knew how to beat this thing. I really do try, believe it or not. I thought it would go away when Mr. Man was allowed to come home. But lets face it, it was there before any of that happened. I just don't know what nudge it will take. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. I know it's all up to me. I have to make changes.
I don't know. So I'm plugging along. Weepy and depressed. Isolated and lonely. Confused. Even though it's the middle of the night, I think I will take a shower and put on different jammies. Tomorrow I will tackle taking down the Christmas tree upstairs. Then I can get T to help me put away all the boxes. Then I can invite H from nextdoor over for coffee. They are the new neighbours and she has expressed an interest in getting together for coffee. We'll see.
All my posts lately have been about me being depressed. It's the center of my life. I don't want it to be. It is what it is. I wish I had something else to talk about. I spent the weekend watching Mr. Man play a game on Game Cube. I took turns but he is much better at it than I am. I enjoyed just spending that time together in our own little world. The game is so addicting he will only play it on the weekends.
Well on second thought, something just came on tv that I want to watch, it's kind of late for a shower. I'll shower tomorrow. And get dressed. And try to keep busy. Well it's late so I'll sign off. Have a great night and a good day tomorrow.
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