My Crazy Brain

I think I'm having allergies. As much as I love to watch the gardens grow, I get itchy eyes and sniffles and an irritated throat from the new growth. This only happens in spring, fall and with some cats. Allergies suck.

After Hubbys physiotherapy appointment today we went to Elora to pick up some books from a Freecycler. There were some weird books in this selection. A lot of kids books too. Not much that I'll actually read I don't think. Oh well, yard sale fodder.

We then went to The Bargain Shop on the way home and picked up some Easter gifts. It was then that Hubby made a remark that upset me way more than it should have. It must be PMS time. I mean I got chest pains trying to hold in my anger and tears. What he said wasn't particularly offensive or anything, I really don't understand why I got so upset. Then once we got home, I just avoided him because I didn't want it to blow up. I was in the bedroom reading through some of the books we had picked up, and something set me off. I cried. I cried for a long time. The thoughts that were bombarding my brain wouldn't stop. I don't understand why I can remember silly insults, hurts, humiliations and slights from when I was 5, but I can't remember what Hubby asked me to remind him of this afternoon! I don't understand how things that happened to me as a very small child can still make me cry if I think about them. I don't understand why I think about it. Something triggers these memories and thoughts. Lately I'm finding myself increasingly angry with my parents. Just about every day I think about calling my Dad, but I don't do it. I'm angry with him. For years I've justified to myself how things were, how they raised me. I can't do that any more. I used to believe they did the best they could, they did what they thought was right. I just don't believe that any more. There was a lot of anger directed at me when I was little. Things were so different back then. I don't think parents were forced to be responsible back then like they are now. There wasn't the same awareness that there is now. They damaged me. They broke me. And I just don't know how to deal with it now. I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to fix it, to fix myself. I have like zero coping skills. Today made me think about calling my therapist. It was not a fun day. It was random. Out of the blue. It left me feeling sad and angry. God bless Lorazepam, it calms me, and my brain. But honestly, where does this stuff come from? How can a random comment from Hubby, a random page in a book, bring on all this crap in my head? Then I get angry at myself for letting this crap ruin my afternoon. And what happened to the miracle medication? Why wasn't it working today? It's been doing a fine job of keeping this kind of crap at bay, but not today. I think it is PMS and the medication just doesn't overwrite that. I haven't heard from the doctor, so I'm assuming no news is good news.

On a lighter and happier note, I found more crocuses in bloom today. Now I have a white one too. They're calling for light snow a week from now, ugh. Enough with the snow already. Its finally just about all melted.

Oh, and someone is coming to pick up the TV cabinet on Friday, yay! I hope they aren't a flake and actually do show up as planned.

Heres pics of my newest crocuses...