Not A Good Day

There is a new feature on Blogger allowing to upload video. I have tried several times to use it and been unsuccessful. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, if anything. Things to learn and figure out.


The story on the dog fight is the other dog was wearing a muzzle, I didn't notice. And the lady with the other dog ended up needing stitches. Apparently she's very pissed off that I didn't do anything. It's true, I didn't. I was still under the influence of the Lorazepams and just kind of stood there stunned, not knowing what to do. That's also how Bear was able to pull the leash from my hand so easily. I don't know what made him attack, I thought it was the two women freaking out. I know nothing good is going to come of this. I know we haven't heard the end of it. I think if I ever take him for a walk again I'll put his muzzle on. That's if I get the chance, if he doesn't get taken away. If he gets taken away, I'll be heartbroken. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but I don't know what will happen. There's been so many complaints about him. I swear its all because of his breed. People are such assholes. He's a beautiful dog. And he is well behaved. This was a freakish incident. I'm distraught. I imagine so is the lady with stitches.


So yesterday was spent brooding about this and other crap. I accomplished zero. It was a terrible day. But Little R came home from school on time. It turns out she had taken the wrong bus home. The bus does not stop at the old school, it comes straight through. She now knows what bus to take so there shouldn't be any more confusion.

I can tell today is going to be another crappy day. Its dreary and cool outside. I feel like hell. I'm so upset about the dog situation I can't think straight. I'm dreading someone coming to the door to take my Bear away. I'm afraid to take him outside. I feel like my whole life is out of control. Nothing is going the way it's supposed to be. Not a good day. I'm going to bed. I'm reading a really lame book about John Candy, it'll put me to sleep in minutes.

Hopefully it's a better day for you.

Unloading

I'm a mess. PMS. I feel sick, emotionally and physically. My nerves are fried too. This last couple of months having Hubby home has been like culture shock. I don't really talk about it much on here, but our life is really a mess right now. We're under a great deal of stress. Add to that being caged in at home with Hubby, and all the extra driving going to appointments almost every day. This knee thing has compounded the back thing. The stress of the pending and impending lawsuit. The stress of paying all the bills AND paying for all the medications. The uncertainty of our future is just maddening. There is just so much going on and yet we're in this limbo-like state, paralyzed with uncertainty. Hubby wants to go back to work, but he isn't physically in condition for it, and the doctors are in agreement with that. His boss isn't making it very attractive for him to go back either. Financially, he NEEDS to go back to work. I'm not there when he sees the doctor, or when he's in physiotherapy. I don't hear what's going on. Sure I drive him around, but then I go do my own thing, rather than sitting in the waiting rooms. I'm not in on all the communications with the lawyer. I only hear Hubby's version of what's going on. And he isn't real clear on that himself. We're home together most of the time, just in each others faces. The novelty has worn off. We've never been through any type of lawsuit before, its all new to us, we have no idea what to expect at each turn. It's very hard on the nerves. We can't make any solid plans. Our future is up in the air. It's all very hard.
So I guess the way I alleviate stress is to shop, to spend money. Well that's ONE way. And it's the wrong way. It just adds to the stress in the long run, just compounds everything. I'm constantly adding to the clutter effect. I'm so manic about it. It takes my mind off of the stress, ever so briefly. What else am I going to do while Hubby is at his appointments? Besides, going to town leads to shopping, it's only natural. It's a way of getting out of the house too. I have culture shock, cabin fever and PMS. And my future is very murky at this point.
I've been quite anti-social too. Don't feel like seeing or talking to anyone. It's got to stop. None of my distractions are working for me.
So there, I've unloaded my grief. I try to sound upbeat. I try to relax and count my blessings. I try to see the humour in things. I try to see the cup half full. Sometimes it's difficult to keep doing that. Sometimes it's just overwhelming.
Have a nice weekend.

My Crazy Brain

I think I'm having allergies. As much as I love to watch the gardens grow, I get itchy eyes and sniffles and an irritated throat from the new growth. This only happens in spring, fall and with some cats. Allergies suck.

After Hubbys physiotherapy appointment today we went to Elora to pick up some books from a Freecycler. There were some weird books in this selection. A lot of kids books too. Not much that I'll actually read I don't think. Oh well, yard sale fodder.

We then went to The Bargain Shop on the way home and picked up some Easter gifts. It was then that Hubby made a remark that upset me way more than it should have. It must be PMS time. I mean I got chest pains trying to hold in my anger and tears. What he said wasn't particularly offensive or anything, I really don't understand why I got so upset. Then once we got home, I just avoided him because I didn't want it to blow up. I was in the bedroom reading through some of the books we had picked up, and something set me off. I cried. I cried for a long time. The thoughts that were bombarding my brain wouldn't stop. I don't understand why I can remember silly insults, hurts, humiliations and slights from when I was 5, but I can't remember what Hubby asked me to remind him of this afternoon! I don't understand how things that happened to me as a very small child can still make me cry if I think about them. I don't understand why I think about it. Something triggers these memories and thoughts. Lately I'm finding myself increasingly angry with my parents. Just about every day I think about calling my Dad, but I don't do it. I'm angry with him. For years I've justified to myself how things were, how they raised me. I can't do that any more. I used to believe they did the best they could, they did what they thought was right. I just don't believe that any more. There was a lot of anger directed at me when I was little. Things were so different back then. I don't think parents were forced to be responsible back then like they are now. There wasn't the same awareness that there is now. They damaged me. They broke me. And I just don't know how to deal with it now. I don't know how to make it go away. I don't know how to fix it, to fix myself. I have like zero coping skills. Today made me think about calling my therapist. It was not a fun day. It was random. Out of the blue. It left me feeling sad and angry. God bless Lorazepam, it calms me, and my brain. But honestly, where does this stuff come from? How can a random comment from Hubby, a random page in a book, bring on all this crap in my head? Then I get angry at myself for letting this crap ruin my afternoon. And what happened to the miracle medication? Why wasn't it working today? It's been doing a fine job of keeping this kind of crap at bay, but not today. I think it is PMS and the medication just doesn't overwrite that. I haven't heard from the doctor, so I'm assuming no news is good news.

On a lighter and happier note, I found more crocuses in bloom today. Now I have a white one too. They're calling for light snow a week from now, ugh. Enough with the snow already. Its finally just about all melted.

Oh, and someone is coming to pick up the TV cabinet on Friday, yay! I hope they aren't a flake and actually do show up as planned.

Heres pics of my newest crocuses...

Its Been A While...

Good evening...
How sad that I went ahead and deleted my whole blog again, in a manic moment. I just didn't want the psycho in-laws knowing anything about our life. But there was some good posting on there and some good links also. Its a shame.
I must say its been interesting to scan through the IP addresses of who is STILL checking up on me.
It is bizarre how people are so very interested and yet show no interest at all, in the real world. I know who you are, I know how often you're on my site, I know what pages you look at, and for how long. My new guestbook even shows right on it, to everyone, how many times its been viewed, and yet, no one has signed it. Very interesting...
What are you looking for? What do you hope or expect to see? What do you want? What do you want to know?
Maybe I should unblock some email addresses?
I started out sharing some personal info about myself, such as my lifelong battles with depression. My struggles, trials and tribulations, dramas, traumas and negative life experiences. I was open and honest. I told it the way it is.
The truth is, a mere couple of months ago I was happier than I've ever been. My life was finally on an even keel. Nothing was, or is, perfect. I don't expect perfection, ever. I'm not sure perfection even exists. It would be closer to perfect if my husband wasn't trashed by that car accident.
I also mentioned my troubles with PMS. Go ahead and laugh. But it truly isn't funny at all, its quite serious when you have to live with it.
I spoke out about things in the news, things in the world, sharing my opinions and feelings on matters.
I did a lot of thanking, expressing my appreciation and gratitude to people in my life. Unfortunately, some of those people never even saw what I said. I also expressed my anger and disappointment with people.
I shared my day-to-day life, my gardening adventures, shopping excursions, life in a small town.
If our bike was on the road, I would be sharing our riding adventures. Alas, she still sits in the garage waiting for some TLC. But, its not the end of the world, we will ride before this season ends. We have been out for a couple of short scoots, nothing worth mentioning.
Life was going good, with the exception of my husband being crippled, but we were dealing with it. Then the negativity started, coming from all directions, and before you know it, I'm a basketcase. It almost seems like just because I was somewhat happy and content, some folks strived to cause me grief. It got me wondering if I should be so open and honest, sharing anything personal.
I also stated another reason for this blog was for me to learn to express myself accurately. I have since learned it doesn't matter how articulate I am or not, some people will never get it. Some people simply do not want to understand. Some people simply don't listen. People hear, see or read what they want to, regardless of what is really being said. People tell me they didn't know I had such an interest in gardening and it sounds fake. What? I've been told I'm a "biker chick", I disagreed and was argued with. I've been accused of things which aren't true. I've been called a liar. I am constantly, endlessly defending myself. What the hell? I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. I must find a way or learn how to not care what others think about me. To a degree I don't care, but sometimes its bothersome, like when I disagree.
So anyways, I'm not sure whats going to happen with this blog, or with my personal site. But for now I thought I would just give you all something to read lol.
I have been quite busy lately. Got my car back on the road finally. The gardens are coming along swimmingly. Getting lots done around the house. Still lots more to do though lol. We are thinking of selling soon, or, just renting it out and moving on. Having the "security of neighbours" isn't all its cracked up to be. As huge as the lot seemed at first, it gets smaller seeming all the time. Besides, I need trees.
Until next time...
Have a great night.