My Computer, My Best Friend
How rude to find I had no internet last night. Apparently we missed a payment, ugh. As soon as that gets straightened out I'll post this entry. It's weird how much I count on the internet. How lost I feel without it. I don't even do much on it any more. I hardly get any email any more. But to not have it is like not having a phone or not having tv. I've spent the past 10 years sitting in front of the computer. It has become my life, my lifeline. To me that is sad. Its kinda hard to believe. It has become my best friend. Yes I've learned how to do a lot of things on it. But I still have a lot to learn. Yes I use it to communicate, but that has dwindled, many people still use phones. Yes its useful for finding out information, but isn't used for that daily. Its more like an addiction, a habit. I take my morning coffee down to the computer, every single day. Depending on my plans for the day, I may spend the entire day sitting there if I have nowhere else to go or nothing else to do. Which happens to be the case a lot of the time. Recently I decided I wanted to get away from the computer more. When I realized it had been 10 years straight that I had pretty much done nothing else, I was stunned. Ten years of my life. And for what? What do I have to show for it? Not much.
So I finally got re-connected and am able to post this.
I don't know. I've been in a deep depression lately. More than just a funk. I'm not functioning. I think I need to drag myself away from the computer. I need to focus. I need to focus on the things I want to accomplish around the house. I'm still very upset about Big R moving to another province. I understand why she wants to go and I don't blame her. Somehow understanding it isn't making it any easier to accept. I'm frightened and confused about my cervical cancer situation. I have another biopsy to look forward to in a week. I'm worried about Big R, seems she may have cancer on her thyroid. She's still being tested. I'm concerned and worried about Mr. Mans work situation. This new job doesn't pay nearly as much as his old job did. There was mention of hiring him permanently. It started out as a temporary thing. After mentioning keeping him on full time permanent which also means benefits and more money, there hasn't been any more mention of it. I'm waiting on pins and needles. There is so much uncertainty going on in our life. I guess I don't deal with uncertainty well.
I know its also the time of year. The end of summer always bums me out somewhat. Little R going back to school, it makes me feel lonely when she goes back to school. And theres the dreaded back to school shopping. We'll be busy on weekends with the 4-H shows. Then comes my birthday and Thanksgiving. They usually fall on the same weekend. Getting older isn't fun. And its become a depressing time because of the lack of family. I want big family Thanksgiving dinners. With Big R gone its going to be even worse. Its pretty silly cooking a big turkey dinner for 3 people. None of my remaining family is receptive to coming up for dinner and they don't invite us to theirs. Its depressing.
Then comes Halloween. Little R is too old to go out trick or treating this year. So the whole thing of getting her a costume together isn't happening. It just seems like no big deal now. So we'll buy some candy to hand out and maybe decorate a bit, but not the big deal it used to be. Depressing.
I am dreading this winter.
So I'm not sure what I can change to make myself feel better. To pull out of this funk/depression. I can try to keep busy with the house, but as long as I have my good friend the computer here, what are the chances? I used to love this time of year. Now, not so much.
One bright light is the hummingbirds. They are very active this time of year. I'll have to fill my feeders again soon. Probably for the last time of the season. I haven't been able to get any good photos. I'll keep trying though. Sometimes there is 4 or 5 birds buzzing around one feeder. They are very active, rampant and vocal. But when I'm outside with the dogs, Eddie scares the birds away. I have to go out without the dogs if I hope to get pictures.
So yeah, though I don't have anything to be unhappy about, I have plenty to worry about. I am paralyzing myself with worry. One thing I've started doing is forcing myself to at least get dressed every day. Its a baby step. No more staying in my jammies all day. I've been trying to get the dogs out for a good walk each day also. I'm confident things will change. Its just this funk seems to be lasting longer than usual.
Saturday morning we went to the Farmers Market in town. That was the first time in the 4 years we've lived here. The aromas were just delicious. And there was live music. It was definately somewhere I'd like to go back to. I bought a lily plant and a skirt. We bought a belt for Little R but apparently its too small. Hoping to be able to exchange it this coming weekend.
This coming weekend is the Trike-In down the road. We are also invited to a pig roast nextdoor with the new people. Its going to be a busy weekend I think.
Have a great day. I gotta go surf the net while I can lol.
So I finally got re-connected and am able to post this.
I don't know. I've been in a deep depression lately. More than just a funk. I'm not functioning. I think I need to drag myself away from the computer. I need to focus. I need to focus on the things I want to accomplish around the house. I'm still very upset about Big R moving to another province. I understand why she wants to go and I don't blame her. Somehow understanding it isn't making it any easier to accept. I'm frightened and confused about my cervical cancer situation. I have another biopsy to look forward to in a week. I'm worried about Big R, seems she may have cancer on her thyroid. She's still being tested. I'm concerned and worried about Mr. Mans work situation. This new job doesn't pay nearly as much as his old job did. There was mention of hiring him permanently. It started out as a temporary thing. After mentioning keeping him on full time permanent which also means benefits and more money, there hasn't been any more mention of it. I'm waiting on pins and needles. There is so much uncertainty going on in our life. I guess I don't deal with uncertainty well.
I know its also the time of year. The end of summer always bums me out somewhat. Little R going back to school, it makes me feel lonely when she goes back to school. And theres the dreaded back to school shopping. We'll be busy on weekends with the 4-H shows. Then comes my birthday and Thanksgiving. They usually fall on the same weekend. Getting older isn't fun. And its become a depressing time because of the lack of family. I want big family Thanksgiving dinners. With Big R gone its going to be even worse. Its pretty silly cooking a big turkey dinner for 3 people. None of my remaining family is receptive to coming up for dinner and they don't invite us to theirs. Its depressing.
Then comes Halloween. Little R is too old to go out trick or treating this year. So the whole thing of getting her a costume together isn't happening. It just seems like no big deal now. So we'll buy some candy to hand out and maybe decorate a bit, but not the big deal it used to be. Depressing.
I am dreading this winter.
So I'm not sure what I can change to make myself feel better. To pull out of this funk/depression. I can try to keep busy with the house, but as long as I have my good friend the computer here, what are the chances? I used to love this time of year. Now, not so much.
One bright light is the hummingbirds. They are very active this time of year. I'll have to fill my feeders again soon. Probably for the last time of the season. I haven't been able to get any good photos. I'll keep trying though. Sometimes there is 4 or 5 birds buzzing around one feeder. They are very active, rampant and vocal. But when I'm outside with the dogs, Eddie scares the birds away. I have to go out without the dogs if I hope to get pictures.
So yeah, though I don't have anything to be unhappy about, I have plenty to worry about. I am paralyzing myself with worry. One thing I've started doing is forcing myself to at least get dressed every day. Its a baby step. No more staying in my jammies all day. I've been trying to get the dogs out for a good walk each day also. I'm confident things will change. Its just this funk seems to be lasting longer than usual.
Saturday morning we went to the Farmers Market in town. That was the first time in the 4 years we've lived here. The aromas were just delicious. And there was live music. It was definately somewhere I'd like to go back to. I bought a lily plant and a skirt. We bought a belt for Little R but apparently its too small. Hoping to be able to exchange it this coming weekend.
This coming weekend is the Trike-In down the road. We are also invited to a pig roast nextdoor with the new people. Its going to be a busy weekend I think.
Have a great day. I gotta go surf the net while I can lol.
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