Depression Hurts Everyone
This morning the boys both went for a walk with Mr. Man and did their business. Now, an hour later, they are bugging the hell out of me to go back out. It drives me crazy. I'm not dressed yet. Its cold outside. Its cold inside. I just want to relax with my coffee and get warm. I don't want to take them out just yet. But they won't stop bugging. They tag team me. They take turns, if it isn't one it's the other. Grrrrrrr.
Little R left for a school camping trip this morning. I sure don't recall going on school camping trips when I was a kid. This is like, what, the third one in the last year? Anyways, like yay, it's freezing outside, what fun to be camping. They were even told to pack swimming suits! Hopefully she won't come home sick. They'll be back Friday.
All day yesterday it was in the back of my mind that I hope nothing happens. I felt a little nervous all day. I'm glad there wasn't too much reliving it on TV, at least not that I saw. September 11 will never be forgotten. The feelings of fear and panic will never be forgotten. Hard to believe it was 6 years ago.
So much for my new appreciation. I'm miserable. I can perk up a little on weekends. I think that's because Mr. Man is here with me. And we go out and do things which takes my mind off of sitting here alone. I just don't know what it is. I can't for the life of me force myself to do anything. There is plenty to do for sure. My mind never stops thinking about all I have to do. But to actually get up and do something, impossible. I don't understand it. Mr. Man is being so patient with me too. He doesn't bitch at me about the state of the house, or not cooking or anything. He understands that I'm in some kind of deep depression. I'm just like in those commercials, "depression hurts". I don't answer the phone or the door. I don't want to take the dogs out. I'm sad. I have no interest in anything. Hell, I don't even want to get dressed. I'd rather sit in my jammies all day. I'm neglecting my entire life. But what really freaks me out is I'm AWARE of it and still can't do anything about it. And rather than easing up, it just keeps getting worse. How much worse can it get? I'm at a loss. I suppose I should tell my doctor. Obviously that new medication isn't doing the same thing it did at first. I take it every day, twice a day. I did mention my depression last time I was at the doctor and he said the Lorazepam can cause depression. I disagree. They help me feel a little better. They calm me and my brain down. Of course the first thing he suggested was anti-depressants. I cannot stand those. I've tried them all over the years. Not one of them helped me. All they did was make me feel sick and jittery. I do not want to go there again. But I can't imagine not having the Lorazepams either. Panic attacks, a racing heart and a racing brain, insomnia are not fun. But what I really notice lately is that the dogs are really getting on my nerves. This got a lot worse after the fight last week. I love them. I used to enjoy having them around. I used to enjoy going for walks. Now I wish they would just leave me alone. The last thing in the world I want to do is go out with them and they are still bugging the hell out of me. Depression hurts everyone.
Have a good day.
Little R left for a school camping trip this morning. I sure don't recall going on school camping trips when I was a kid. This is like, what, the third one in the last year? Anyways, like yay, it's freezing outside, what fun to be camping. They were even told to pack swimming suits! Hopefully she won't come home sick. They'll be back Friday.
All day yesterday it was in the back of my mind that I hope nothing happens. I felt a little nervous all day. I'm glad there wasn't too much reliving it on TV, at least not that I saw. September 11 will never be forgotten. The feelings of fear and panic will never be forgotten. Hard to believe it was 6 years ago.
So much for my new appreciation. I'm miserable. I can perk up a little on weekends. I think that's because Mr. Man is here with me. And we go out and do things which takes my mind off of sitting here alone. I just don't know what it is. I can't for the life of me force myself to do anything. There is plenty to do for sure. My mind never stops thinking about all I have to do. But to actually get up and do something, impossible. I don't understand it. Mr. Man is being so patient with me too. He doesn't bitch at me about the state of the house, or not cooking or anything. He understands that I'm in some kind of deep depression. I'm just like in those commercials, "depression hurts". I don't answer the phone or the door. I don't want to take the dogs out. I'm sad. I have no interest in anything. Hell, I don't even want to get dressed. I'd rather sit in my jammies all day. I'm neglecting my entire life. But what really freaks me out is I'm AWARE of it and still can't do anything about it. And rather than easing up, it just keeps getting worse. How much worse can it get? I'm at a loss. I suppose I should tell my doctor. Obviously that new medication isn't doing the same thing it did at first. I take it every day, twice a day. I did mention my depression last time I was at the doctor and he said the Lorazepam can cause depression. I disagree. They help me feel a little better. They calm me and my brain down. Of course the first thing he suggested was anti-depressants. I cannot stand those. I've tried them all over the years. Not one of them helped me. All they did was make me feel sick and jittery. I do not want to go there again. But I can't imagine not having the Lorazepams either. Panic attacks, a racing heart and a racing brain, insomnia are not fun. But what I really notice lately is that the dogs are really getting on my nerves. This got a lot worse after the fight last week. I love them. I used to enjoy having them around. I used to enjoy going for walks. Now I wish they would just leave me alone. The last thing in the world I want to do is go out with them and they are still bugging the hell out of me. Depression hurts everyone.
Have a good day.
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