Fight That Funk!
Man, I'm falling into a funk again. NO! I don't want to! But I can't help it, it just happens. It starts off with my sleep pattern. I'm back to sleeping most of the day and being up half the night. Last night the dogs woke me up at 2:30 or 3:30 a.m, some gawd awful hour, and I couldn't get back to sleep. By 10 in the morning I was ready for a nap. I slept until 1 p.m. Now here it is 2:45 a.m and I'm still up. I don't want to be up, I just am. I have to wake Mr. Man up at 5:30 a.m. If I go to bed now that won't be enough sleep. You know I'm going to sleep during the day tomorrow. No matter how hard I try to fight it and stay awake.
I'm also getting weepy. That may be partly due to PMS, or not, I'm really not sure. Mr. Man brought home a baby carseat/carrier today and set it on the diningroom table. He made me think there was a baby in it. When I looked and saw no baby I immediately started to cry. He was just joking around with me. He brought the seat because his coworker was going to throw it away because he didn't know what else to do with it, so Mr. Man said he would take it, to post it on freecycle. I got a response within a couple of minutes of posting it. The point is, I got really weepy, really easily.
Then when Mr. Man went to bed for the night, I was still wide awake and stayed up, I've never felt so alone and isolated. More weeping. Then I start feeling all hopeless and lost. And just typing those words brings on more tears.
I was doing so well there for a couple of weeks. No weeping, no crying. Thinking good thoughts. Looking forward to the future. Getting stuff done around the house. Getting rid of stuff on freecycle. Giving serious thought to what I'd like to do around the house as in painting and stuff. Everything was going better. I was feeling better. The last couple of days have been a slide. Not getting dressed all day. Not taking the dogs out, just hooking them up out back. Not even going to get the mail. Just staying in the house doing a lot of nothing. It's sick.
We got our temporary benefit cards. That means I can call the dentist and get on with the dentures thing. I didn't even think about calling yet this week. I'm still terrified. But I know I have to do it. I can't go on much longer with just a few front teeth. And it's not pretty. I avoid smiling! I'm afraid to smile, what does that tell you? I'm becoming afraid of going outside of my house. That's so not cool.
I haven't had the chance to get out and plant things I bought because it's been raining every day this week. I fully intended on doing the planting this week.
My birthday went by without even a card or a phone call from my father. That's a first. Is he losing it? I worry about losing him all the time. My birthday went by pretty unremarkably. It's depressing. I'm used to having some sort of party or celebration. But it was just like any other day. Sad. When Mr. Man was buying me little things the weekend before, he kept saying "Happy Birthday", but I thought he was just joking. I still expected a birthday present. Silly me.
That brings me to how all the holidays are changing because Little R isn't so little any more. She won't be going trick or treating this Halloween. That kind of sucks the fun right out of it. I feel like why bother. I haven't even hung an autumn wreath on the door and probably won't. That's a first. I'm kind of dreading Christmas. It all seems kind of silly now that Little R knows the truth. I know I won't be seeing my family at all unless we force ourselves on them. There's just no joy in it any more. Last year we even tried to go to midnight mass and we missed it because they held it at 7 p.m. We probably won't even bother trying this year.
That's what is missing from my life these days, joy. There is no joy in anything. How do I put the joy back in our lives? Little R is 14 going on 25. She doesn't need me any more (much). She is pretty self sufficient. Big R has moved to another province, she definately doesn't need me any more. The one friend I have left is so busy she doesn't have time for me. When she does have time, I'm sick or depressed or otherwise busy. I miss the friends I used to have. How does one go about bringing joy back into their life? How does one go about making friends when they never leave their house? I need to know.
After I got Mr. Man up at 5:30 this morning, I went right back to bed. The dogs woke me up around 8:30 barking their heads off. I'm still tired, that wasn't nearly enough sleep. But I'll stay up and fight the tiredness so that I can sleep well tonight and hopefully get back on a normal schedule. But see, I'll be dragging my ass around all day, doubt much will be accomplished. I certainly won't feel any joy. I may not even get dressed. It's so depressing. It's a good day if I don't cry. It's raining still, so I won't get my planting done again today. I'm bored senseless. What should I do? How do you other people keep joy in your life? How do you fight off depression? I feel like I'm the only person who spends all day alone. But I know that can't be true. I used to love my time alone. Now I dread it.
I don't want to slip back into that awful depression. I got out of it for a couple of weeks and I want to stay out of it. I just don't know where to begin. Of course there are things going on in my life that I can't discuss here. I wish I could, but I can't. But even those things, I am dealing with. That isn't the problem. The problem is being bored and lonely. Having a screwed up schedule. And having no joy in my life.
I started this post last night at 2:30 a.m and am finishing it this morning. I still feel the same. Things seem worse at night, not quite as bad in the daylight. But still, it's not pretty.
I'm going to avoid sleeping. I'm going to try to get something accomplished and keep busy. I'm going to fight this funk before it gets any kind of grip on me. Have a great day.
I'm also getting weepy. That may be partly due to PMS, or not, I'm really not sure. Mr. Man brought home a baby carseat/carrier today and set it on the diningroom table. He made me think there was a baby in it. When I looked and saw no baby I immediately started to cry. He was just joking around with me. He brought the seat because his coworker was going to throw it away because he didn't know what else to do with it, so Mr. Man said he would take it, to post it on freecycle. I got a response within a couple of minutes of posting it. The point is, I got really weepy, really easily.
Then when Mr. Man went to bed for the night, I was still wide awake and stayed up, I've never felt so alone and isolated. More weeping. Then I start feeling all hopeless and lost. And just typing those words brings on more tears.
I was doing so well there for a couple of weeks. No weeping, no crying. Thinking good thoughts. Looking forward to the future. Getting stuff done around the house. Getting rid of stuff on freecycle. Giving serious thought to what I'd like to do around the house as in painting and stuff. Everything was going better. I was feeling better. The last couple of days have been a slide. Not getting dressed all day. Not taking the dogs out, just hooking them up out back. Not even going to get the mail. Just staying in the house doing a lot of nothing. It's sick.
We got our temporary benefit cards. That means I can call the dentist and get on with the dentures thing. I didn't even think about calling yet this week. I'm still terrified. But I know I have to do it. I can't go on much longer with just a few front teeth. And it's not pretty. I avoid smiling! I'm afraid to smile, what does that tell you? I'm becoming afraid of going outside of my house. That's so not cool.
I haven't had the chance to get out and plant things I bought because it's been raining every day this week. I fully intended on doing the planting this week.
My birthday went by without even a card or a phone call from my father. That's a first. Is he losing it? I worry about losing him all the time. My birthday went by pretty unremarkably. It's depressing. I'm used to having some sort of party or celebration. But it was just like any other day. Sad. When Mr. Man was buying me little things the weekend before, he kept saying "Happy Birthday", but I thought he was just joking. I still expected a birthday present. Silly me.
That brings me to how all the holidays are changing because Little R isn't so little any more. She won't be going trick or treating this Halloween. That kind of sucks the fun right out of it. I feel like why bother. I haven't even hung an autumn wreath on the door and probably won't. That's a first. I'm kind of dreading Christmas. It all seems kind of silly now that Little R knows the truth. I know I won't be seeing my family at all unless we force ourselves on them. There's just no joy in it any more. Last year we even tried to go to midnight mass and we missed it because they held it at 7 p.m. We probably won't even bother trying this year.
That's what is missing from my life these days, joy. There is no joy in anything. How do I put the joy back in our lives? Little R is 14 going on 25. She doesn't need me any more (much). She is pretty self sufficient. Big R has moved to another province, she definately doesn't need me any more. The one friend I have left is so busy she doesn't have time for me. When she does have time, I'm sick or depressed or otherwise busy. I miss the friends I used to have. How does one go about bringing joy back into their life? How does one go about making friends when they never leave their house? I need to know.
After I got Mr. Man up at 5:30 this morning, I went right back to bed. The dogs woke me up around 8:30 barking their heads off. I'm still tired, that wasn't nearly enough sleep. But I'll stay up and fight the tiredness so that I can sleep well tonight and hopefully get back on a normal schedule. But see, I'll be dragging my ass around all day, doubt much will be accomplished. I certainly won't feel any joy. I may not even get dressed. It's so depressing. It's a good day if I don't cry. It's raining still, so I won't get my planting done again today. I'm bored senseless. What should I do? How do you other people keep joy in your life? How do you fight off depression? I feel like I'm the only person who spends all day alone. But I know that can't be true. I used to love my time alone. Now I dread it.
I don't want to slip back into that awful depression. I got out of it for a couple of weeks and I want to stay out of it. I just don't know where to begin. Of course there are things going on in my life that I can't discuss here. I wish I could, but I can't. But even those things, I am dealing with. That isn't the problem. The problem is being bored and lonely. Having a screwed up schedule. And having no joy in my life.
I started this post last night at 2:30 a.m and am finishing it this morning. I still feel the same. Things seem worse at night, not quite as bad in the daylight. But still, it's not pretty.
I'm going to avoid sleeping. I'm going to try to get something accomplished and keep busy. I'm going to fight this funk before it gets any kind of grip on me. Have a great day.
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