Christmas In Childhood
Christmas as a kid. It was quiet and subdued since it was just me and my parents. I think I always got something I wanted. By todays standards I don't think I got a whole lot of stuff. My father always made me eat breakfast, even before I could check out my stocking. Sometimes that felt like torture.
Later my older siblings and all their children would come over for dinner. It was no longer quiet and subdued. That was the time I loved best. There was lots of family, lots of laughter and that's what stands out in my memory about Christmas as a child.
I think even then I appreciated having so much family around. Having them around was the best part of Christmas. We always went out Christmas Eve. I think most times we went to my Uncles, but sometimes we went to one of my siblings. Regardless, it was being around family that mattered.
One time that stands out in my memory, I must have been very young. I had snuck out of bed at some point and found a white plastic doll cradle under the tree. I must have touched it, even played with it a bit. It wasn't wrapped and I don't remember there being a doll in it, though I think there must have been. Well come Christmas morning, I was so overwrought with guilt, I busted into tears. And then I was amazed that my parents weren't mad at me after I told them why I was crying. Though I don't think I was able to form the idea that it was guilt I was feeling. They just laughed at me, told me it was ok and everything was alright again.
My mother was a Royal buff so we always had to watch the Queens message on tv on Christmas morning. I haven't seen that in years. After the gift opening then it was on to stuffing the turkey. All day long the house would smell of cooking turkey. To this day I absolutely love that smell. The day was spent playing with new toys and preparing for the big family dinner. Mother always used her good china and real silverware. Then the family would all show up. The house came to life. It got loud. It got crowded. I was in heaven.
Now there are no more family dinners. This dinner at my brothers is the closest we're going to get. It sure does feel like its all about the gifts, getting the right things, how much money is being spent, hoping the dogs don't tear anything open or pee on anything, second thoughts about what I bought. I jokingly told Mr. Man and Little R that we were having tacos for Christmas dinner and they took it to heart and now have their hearts set on it. I just found out Mr. Man will be receiving a turkey from work. I'd much prefer smelling that cooking all day than throwing together tacos.
I seem to go from year to year changing my mind. One year I want tradition, the next year I want to do something different. This was a do something different year. But I'm finding I love tradition. So many people in my and in Mr. Mans families have died, a couple of them on Christmas, that even when we do get together, it's just not the same. There are no little kids. Little R is my fathers youngest grandchild. All my nieces and nephews have grown children and grandchildren of their own. Most have moved away anyways. I find myself floundering and fumbling. Looking for a place to belong. Things will never be like they were in childhood. In recent years I looked forward to Big R coming here for Christmas. This year that isn't going to happen. It took a while, but I got used to the idea. But I must admit, it sucked the life right out of Christmas for me this year. We're half assed going through the motions. My heart isn't in it. I think this year will be very quiet and subdued.
It's been said before, but it's oh so true. It's not about what's under the tree. It's about family and love and what surrounds you all through the year.
Later my older siblings and all their children would come over for dinner. It was no longer quiet and subdued. That was the time I loved best. There was lots of family, lots of laughter and that's what stands out in my memory about Christmas as a child.
I think even then I appreciated having so much family around. Having them around was the best part of Christmas. We always went out Christmas Eve. I think most times we went to my Uncles, but sometimes we went to one of my siblings. Regardless, it was being around family that mattered.
One time that stands out in my memory, I must have been very young. I had snuck out of bed at some point and found a white plastic doll cradle under the tree. I must have touched it, even played with it a bit. It wasn't wrapped and I don't remember there being a doll in it, though I think there must have been. Well come Christmas morning, I was so overwrought with guilt, I busted into tears. And then I was amazed that my parents weren't mad at me after I told them why I was crying. Though I don't think I was able to form the idea that it was guilt I was feeling. They just laughed at me, told me it was ok and everything was alright again.
My mother was a Royal buff so we always had to watch the Queens message on tv on Christmas morning. I haven't seen that in years. After the gift opening then it was on to stuffing the turkey. All day long the house would smell of cooking turkey. To this day I absolutely love that smell. The day was spent playing with new toys and preparing for the big family dinner. Mother always used her good china and real silverware. Then the family would all show up. The house came to life. It got loud. It got crowded. I was in heaven.
Now there are no more family dinners. This dinner at my brothers is the closest we're going to get. It sure does feel like its all about the gifts, getting the right things, how much money is being spent, hoping the dogs don't tear anything open or pee on anything, second thoughts about what I bought. I jokingly told Mr. Man and Little R that we were having tacos for Christmas dinner and they took it to heart and now have their hearts set on it. I just found out Mr. Man will be receiving a turkey from work. I'd much prefer smelling that cooking all day than throwing together tacos.
I seem to go from year to year changing my mind. One year I want tradition, the next year I want to do something different. This was a do something different year. But I'm finding I love tradition. So many people in my and in Mr. Mans families have died, a couple of them on Christmas, that even when we do get together, it's just not the same. There are no little kids. Little R is my fathers youngest grandchild. All my nieces and nephews have grown children and grandchildren of their own. Most have moved away anyways. I find myself floundering and fumbling. Looking for a place to belong. Things will never be like they were in childhood. In recent years I looked forward to Big R coming here for Christmas. This year that isn't going to happen. It took a while, but I got used to the idea. But I must admit, it sucked the life right out of Christmas for me this year. We're half assed going through the motions. My heart isn't in it. I think this year will be very quiet and subdued.
It's been said before, but it's oh so true. It's not about what's under the tree. It's about family and love and what surrounds you all through the year.
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