I Want To Be Fine Again
I got curious and looked back through my archives to a year ago. I know exactly when this depression started and I wanted to see if I was right. Yes, I was right. It started last February. A year ago, Mr. Man was off work with his knee injury. We had just gotten Eddie. We were painting the familyroom. We had lots going on and I was not depressed. I was getting used to having Mr. Man home all the time. I was getting used to having a second dog around. I was active and upbeat, getting things done, thinking positive. But I remember, I was planning a party for Mr. Mans birthday and had in fact already started inviting people when he told me to cancel it because we didn't have the money to put on a party. He had been off work and money was tight, but we still could have done it. But rather than argue with him about it I just cancelled the party. And that was when this depression started. It progressed over a year. I am now at the point of not even getting dressed unless I absolutely have to. I'm happy to lounge around in my pyjammas all day long. I don't cook. I don't clean. I just sit and vegetate in front of the computer. I even watch TV while sitting at the computer. Sadly it is affecting our life. It is affecting Little R and her school work. I can see what it must be like for her. So I feel guilty. The house is a disaster. I'm shocked at the condition I have allowed it to get into. I've become beyond lazy, it's more like paralyzed. The only thing I still do on any regular basis is put the garbage out. I rarely leave the house, even to walk the dogs. They're getting fat from the lack of exercise. Every aspect of our life is suffering because of my depression. I'm anti social now. I don't want to see people if it means I have to get dressed and put my dentures in. I withdraw from the world. It's really gone too far. I've gotten into a routine of sleeping half the day and staying up half the night. And simply ignoring all of my responsibilities.
Do I dare suggest another party for Mr. Mans birthday? It might be just the thing to snap me out of this depression (along with having a car again). That would force me to clean up the house. It would get me socializing. I think it's just what I need. We'll see what Mr. Man thinks. Or maybe I just won't invite his opinion this time. It's only a couple of weeks away. That's another one of my symptoms of depression, I can't make even the simplest decisions.
Every day I wake up and think today will be different, today I will snap out of this, today I will get things done. And yet every day is the same. I fool around on the computer until I become bored with it, then I go to bed to read, and of course I fall asleep. I sleep most of the day away. Then I get up and go back to the computer. Now I feel guilty for wasting another day sleeping and getting nothing accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. It's all habit. I don't cook dinner for my family. It's fend for yourselves. I load the dishwasher each day, that's my contribution. I am not functioning. Rather than any day being better, it seems each day is a little worse. I sleep a little longer, I think darker thoughts, I cry more. I feel worse than I did the day before. At the same time, it's all I can think about, my mind races. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what to do to change things. Some days the thought goes through my mind "I wish I was dead". Those are the worst days. I don't want that at all. I feel awful for even thinking such a thing. Of course I then again feel guilty. I'm overwhelmed with negative emotions and thoughts.
You may be thinking, why don't you just go to your doctor? Well, I did. His first response was anti-depressants. I can't take anti-depressants. They make me feel physically ill. I've tried them all over the years. They all do the same things to me. I decided a long time ago I would rather feel depressed than the way those medications make me feel. I still feel that way. I still think I can actually pull myself out of this. I've done it before, I can do it again. I just don't know what little push I need.
When I looked back to where I was a year ago, it gave me hope. Nothing was so different a year ago. I had longer hair and my own teeth. Other than that, and Mr. Mans job situation, things are pretty much the same. Well, and the house is a lot messier than it was a year ago. But maybe if I just give myself one job a day to accomplish, you know, baby steps, maybe then things will get done. It's when I look at the whole thing at once that it becomes overwhelming.
And I'm not sure this is the place for me to be discussing all this, but I have no one else to talk to about it. Sometimes just getting it out is a big help. Just to get it off my chest. People tend to not really understand depression. Unless you've experienced it yourself, chances are you won't really understand it. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I don't want to feel this way. If it was as easy as just snapping out of it, don't you think I would? I'm not sure what the answers are. But I'm always thinking about it.
A year ago I was doing fine. This thing has taken a year to progress to this point. It's time to turn it around. I want to be fine again. I'll take baby steps, even if it means just getting dressed. (That would be easier if the house wasn't so damn cold). I'm going to do this. I'm going to pull out of this. Watch me.
Do I dare suggest another party for Mr. Mans birthday? It might be just the thing to snap me out of this depression (along with having a car again). That would force me to clean up the house. It would get me socializing. I think it's just what I need. We'll see what Mr. Man thinks. Or maybe I just won't invite his opinion this time. It's only a couple of weeks away. That's another one of my symptoms of depression, I can't make even the simplest decisions.
Every day I wake up and think today will be different, today I will snap out of this, today I will get things done. And yet every day is the same. I fool around on the computer until I become bored with it, then I go to bed to read, and of course I fall asleep. I sleep most of the day away. Then I get up and go back to the computer. Now I feel guilty for wasting another day sleeping and getting nothing accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. It's all habit. I don't cook dinner for my family. It's fend for yourselves. I load the dishwasher each day, that's my contribution. I am not functioning. Rather than any day being better, it seems each day is a little worse. I sleep a little longer, I think darker thoughts, I cry more. I feel worse than I did the day before. At the same time, it's all I can think about, my mind races. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what to do to change things. Some days the thought goes through my mind "I wish I was dead". Those are the worst days. I don't want that at all. I feel awful for even thinking such a thing. Of course I then again feel guilty. I'm overwhelmed with negative emotions and thoughts.
You may be thinking, why don't you just go to your doctor? Well, I did. His first response was anti-depressants. I can't take anti-depressants. They make me feel physically ill. I've tried them all over the years. They all do the same things to me. I decided a long time ago I would rather feel depressed than the way those medications make me feel. I still feel that way. I still think I can actually pull myself out of this. I've done it before, I can do it again. I just don't know what little push I need.
When I looked back to where I was a year ago, it gave me hope. Nothing was so different a year ago. I had longer hair and my own teeth. Other than that, and Mr. Mans job situation, things are pretty much the same. Well, and the house is a lot messier than it was a year ago. But maybe if I just give myself one job a day to accomplish, you know, baby steps, maybe then things will get done. It's when I look at the whole thing at once that it becomes overwhelming.
And I'm not sure this is the place for me to be discussing all this, but I have no one else to talk to about it. Sometimes just getting it out is a big help. Just to get it off my chest. People tend to not really understand depression. Unless you've experienced it yourself, chances are you won't really understand it. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I don't want to feel this way. If it was as easy as just snapping out of it, don't you think I would? I'm not sure what the answers are. But I'm always thinking about it.
A year ago I was doing fine. This thing has taken a year to progress to this point. It's time to turn it around. I want to be fine again. I'll take baby steps, even if it means just getting dressed. (That would be easier if the house wasn't so damn cold). I'm going to do this. I'm going to pull out of this. Watch me.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home