Feeling Grateful

A few months ago I slipped down the stairs. As I was sliding down I grabbed the railing and hung on. This seemed to have pulled my arm out of whack. Ever since then my shoulder has been really stiff and sore. I can barely raise my arm to shave my armpit or to put on deodorant. Getting dressed is sometimes a challenge too. I told the doctor about it and he showed me some exercises I can do and ordered some tests to be taken at my liesure. I guess I should be thankful I didn't break a hip or anything.

Speaking of thankful. I'm feeling grateful this morning. I'm thankful to have a roof over my head, although it leaks, it's a roof nonetheless. Without Mr. Man working his ass off every day, I wouldn't have this roof. So I'm thankful for him. I'm thankful that he is able to get up and go to work every day. I'm thankful that he has a job to go to. I'm thankful that he loves me. He loves me enough to work his ass off every day so I can have a roof over my head. I'm thankful that my kids are healthy. They're royal brats, but they're healthy. I'm thankful that I have enough to eat. My diet is seriously lacking, but the options are available. I'm thankful for my friends, old and new. I may not see much of them but they are there for me. I'm thankful for my dog. He gets me up and moving each day. He eats like a horse, but he's a very good guard dog. I'm thankful for all the things I have that money can buy. Again thanks to Mr. Man. I'm also thankful for all the things I have that money cannot buy.

It's chilly in here this morning. I'm tempted to make a fire. But then my instinct tells me to save the firewood for when we really need it. Like when it's -20 and we run out of propane. I sure hope it's going to warm up today. This is what happens when I get up early, it's chilly early in the morning. Unlike when I get up at noon and the sun is blazing. But where is the scorching heat of summer? Surely it's not over yet. It's still August dammit. But actually the familyroom, where the computer is, is always cold, even in the heat of the summer. I went and got the phone cords for the laptop last night, well, we're on dial up. They were over at the trailer. Didn't I leave them in the back seat of the car, the car is gone to work with Mr. Man, duh. I really want to sit outside on my laptop. I'm thankful I have the choice between my desktop and my laptop. The things money can buy. Though I've hardly used my laptop. Mr. Man has had more use of it than I have. There, that's better, I put my robe on and now it's not so bad in here. My bones ache just thinking about another winter here.

Little R had the radio on the other day. Whatever station she listens to , they play the same songs over and over again. So now I've got a song stuck in my head. "I kissed a girl and I liked it...the taste of her cherry chapstick." UGH. But I'm thankful for the stereos we have to listen to music when we want to.

Well I should go and get back to the laundry. The mountain is actually getting smaller. Now I just need to find drawer and closet space for it all. Have a great day.

It Is What It Is

When I woke up this morning at 11, hey it was a late night, Little R was already outside. I don't know where exactly she is, she left me a note saying she was outside, so that's all I know. It struck me that I am really going to miss her when she goes back to school. It's going to be very lonely around here. With Mr. Man still not living here, it's going to be unbearable. Normally I would be looking forward to back to school. Not so much this year. I'm not the only one not looking forward to it. Little R anticipates problems with the girl who started this whole thing with Mr. Man by telling the counsellor at school that he hit Little R. She's been harassing Little R throughout the summer and accusing Little R of harassing her. I've told Little R to just stay away from her and ignore her. What else can I do? The girl has caused us so much grief already, hopefully she'll just leave Little R alone. Other than that I think Little R is looking forward to getting back to school. It's a shame this girl was ever a part of her life. We tried telling her for years that this girl is bad news. But she wouldn't listen and insisted on hanging around with her. Now she knows. She's seen her true colours and what she is capable of. I am hoping that if Little R ignores her, she will go away.

Yesterday was spent picking up the piles of cut grass and doing some laundry. We have too much grass and we have too many clothes. The laundry is never ending and I don't think I'll ever be caught up. On the other hand Mr. Man doesn't have enough clothes so I am constantly doing his laundry. Little R just throws everything on her floor so I never know what is clean and what is actually worn. She gets hand-me-downs from her sister and I've picked up a few things for her from Freecycle. Not to mention all the new clothes we buy her. I buy clothes for myself at the thrift store, at yard sales and of course I buy new stuff, plus I've gotten some things for myself from Freecycle as well. It's time to go through it all and weed out what we don't really wear to donate to the thrift store. The thing is, I do wear most of my stuff. I just didn't do laundry all summer. I plan on doing some every day until I'm caught up, that's the plan.

SW is on her way home. She should be back Thursday sometime. That's a hell of a long drive, I hope her car makes it. She sends me updates on where she is.

Well the days sure have cooled down. Even when it's sunny there's a cool breeze. Nights are downright chilly. I'm still having trouble believing summer is at an end. I'm just starting to get outside enjoying the lack of snow. Before I know it the snow will be flying again. I'm already looking forward to next summer, it has to be better than this one was. I'm still hoping to have another bonfire before the season is over. We never did get all that barn board cut up. Oh well maybe this weekend. It's the last long weekend of the summer. Normally we would be doing the 4H thing and going to all the Fall Fairs on the weekends. But Little R decided she didn't want to do it this year. I think she missed doing it and may get back into it next year.

So our life is still pretty much hell. Things are looking up though. I feel a little less depressed. I can't wait for this court case to be over and done with and to have Mr. Man back home. I know I do repeat myself, but such is the blog when you have no life. It is what it is. Have a great day.

Crickets

I always thought crickets were an all summer thing. Apparently I was wrong. I was told that they don't come out until August. Since being told that, I notice that it's true. I also mistakenly thought they come out at night. Apparently not, as I listened to a chorus of crickets this afternoon while I sat taking a break from raking. Oh the raking. Remind me again of why I needed a half an acre for a yard. As I'm nursing blisters on my tender under-worked hands from mowing yesterday, they were again irritated today by raking. I was alone in my work today. Little R did a couple of piles but other than that I was on my own. Tomorrows work will be hauling all the piles back to the ditch. The ditch is full from the last time we mowed. We really need to stop letting the grass get so long. My gardens are pitiful. The Phlox are just finishing. I'm surprised they bloomed at all with all the weeds. Everything else is finished, all that's left is the Autumn Joy.

Today was kind of treacherous. Everyone was in a bitchy mood. It came to a crashing hieght when Little R smashed the remote for the tv and Mr. Man told me he wants a divorce. All I did was rake the yard, jeez. They were not getting along today. Somehow it all landed on my head. Eventually we all calmed down and Mr. Man barbecued our dinner and everything mellowed out. He doesn't really want a divorce. My day was going fine until he said that. I was pretty heartbroken once again. But I think I'm ok now. Amazing what a few vodka coolers can do. And an off hand apology.

Oh how I wish we were riding. Mr. Man needs an outlet for his stress and riding is just the thing. He hasn't even tinkered with the bike this year. It's barely visible in the garage. Like I've said this summer was a write off.

I've been talking to an old friend on Facebook. It's been a pleasure. She started a blog and is a very talented writer. You can read it here . It's been great catching up after not seeing each other for about 20 years.

Last week the CAS worker finally returned Little Rs documents and an empty jewelry box. I don't think we'll be hearing so much from her in the future. She said she'd be back in a month. So no longer every couple of weeks. Yay.

I think SW will be heading back home soon. I miss her. This town just isn't the same without her.

Well I'm all out of coolers. Time to head off to bed. Have a great night.

Finally Cut The Grass

Ah. I am now enjoying a nice cold Orange Cream Swirl. It's a vodka cooler. I deserve it. I finally cut the grass today. It was a hot one and I sweated buckets. I did the front yard with the push mower and Mr. Man did the back yard with a ride on. It was long enough in the back that we'll have to rake it up tomorrow, ugh. We should have just done that today, but Mr. Man was yet again in a foul mood. He's been really crusty lately and it's grating on my nerves.

We made four trips to town today. SW is in Edmonton and her car broke down. She was supposed to be back here tomorrow. Not gonna happen. Anyways she asked me to pick up a cheque from the woman who's collecting her mail and deposit it for her. I assume to help cover the cost of the car repair. On our first trip to town the woman wasn't home, so we went ahead and did our shopping. We got some back to school stuff and groceries. When we returned to paradise the woman was home, so it was back to town to deposit the cheque. Then we mowed the lawns. After dinner, wooo hot dogs, Mr. Man told Little R she could go to the drop in center in town, so off we went again. This time we brought Bear. After dropping Little R off we took Bear to a park for a walk. Then we came back home and an hour later headed back to town to pick up Little R. Since she didn't take off or go elsewhere and phone to be picked up somewhere else, she was just waiting for us out front like a good girl, Mr. Man decided to reward her with Dairy Queen.

We walk in and there's no one there, no line ups. We place our orders. Mr. Man ordered a waffle cone. They were all out of waffle cones. By now there's a huge line up behind us, the place is packed. He made such a scene. Little R was mortified. I was slightly embarassed. He had a bit of a meltdown. Verbally abusing the clerk who was trying to please him and trying to apologise. He had to settle for a plain cone. Poor thing. He has been in such a bad mood lately anything seems to set him off.

They finally both went to bed so I thought I would take this time of peace to post an entry. The best thing to happen today is this vodka cooler. It's almost gone now, so have a great night, I'll be back.

Such A Boring Life

Well it's been a pretty boring week. Little R was grounded for breaking into the trailer. I grounded her for a week. Unbeknownst to me her father ungrounded her today. So she's been out all day, I haven't even seen her. How convenient, since she was supposed to help me cut the grass today. If we take turns it gets done a lot easier. So, needless to say, it didn't get done at all. I did go out there, only to realize there was still piles of cut grass left over from the last time we cut it. So I picked them all up and then I was done for the day.

I went to see my therapist yesterday. I didn't get put on anti-depressants after all. I was told to cut back on all the depressants I take. Hmmm. Not that I take a lot of depressants, because I don't. My therapist is going to be doing our family counselling too, so Little R went with me. Mr. Man can't join us until his bail papers are signed allowing him contact with Little R. The guy who bailed him out needs to sign the papers and he has been unavailable. Sigh.

About the best thing that happened this week is I found an old friend on Facebook. We've been messaging back and forth.

I've been keeping up with the dishes and have finally put a dent in the mountain of laundry. Things are looking up.

Mr. Man has been in a foul mood all week. That hasn't helped me to feel good. It's been a little miserable around here. I hate when that happens.

It sure seems like summer is over. Even when it's nice and sunny out the days are cooler. I looked at the forecast and there's no rain coming so hopefully I will get started on the grass tomorrow. My Autumn Joy is just starting to turn purple, and the plants are huge this year. But them turning colour is a sure sign of fall. Sigh. My huge weeping birch tree died this year. Mr. Man plans on cutting it down in the near future. I'll be sad to see it go. But it will be firewood next year.

Well, that's it, that's all I've got. Such a boring life. Have a great night. Chow.

Hot And Muggy

Today is muggy and hot. Finally. I don't know how much time I'll get to spend out in it though. I'm actually doing laundry! Hopefully this doesn't mean there's another thunder storm coming.

Yesterday we went to the Reserve for cigarettes. We didn't get the early start we had planned, so it took up most of the day. We stopped for breakfast/brunch on the way there. We hit several yard sales both going and coming back. I got 5 shirts for 2 bucks. Mr. Man got a couple of useless exercise gizmos. If he ever tries to use them he'll probably hurt himself. We had smoked a joint after brunch, so that's why it seemed like a good idea to buy the crap he bought. I really don't need any more clothes, but there was so much there to rummage through, I couldn't help myself. I know it seems awfully tacky to buy clothes at a yard sale, but it was good stuff and the price was right.

When we got back we stopped off at the trailer to pick up Mr. Mans laundry. What a shock to find Little R walking out of the trailer when we pulled up. She broke in again. She claimed she was looking for a lighter. There's lighters at home. Everything has been going so good with her home, this was quite a disappointment. Upon going through her bag to see what she ripped off from the trailer we found beers, which weren't from the trailer, they belonged to the friend that was with her, and rolling papers and a few other things we wish we didn't find. She was busted. And she had a major hissy fit back at home. I just didn't even know how to deal with it. First thing this morning she apologised.

Also while going through her bag we found a little iPod. It wasn't hers. When asked where hers is she said she "had to sell it". I couldn't believe it. I can only imagine what she sold it for, she wouldn't tell me when I asked. That thing cost us $400! I guess that's what happened to her camera too. She says it got ripped off, but I have my doubts about that. So she won't be getting any more toys for Christmas. Like I said nothing in the house is safe any more. Nothing in the trailer is safe either. I am at a loss. I don't know how to deal with this. When I was her age I would steal change out of my mothers purse to buy cigarettes, that's it. I wouldn't dream of breaking in anywhere or selling my possessions. When I told her she is grounded, she proceeded to walk out the door. Eventually she came home and just went to bed. This morning she was sorry for everything. But that doesn't change anything. How do I get it into her head how wrong it is?

Today was a decent day. Little R didn't even try to go out. That was a relief. I wasn't looking forward to fighting with her over being grounded. I actually cooked bacon and eggs for brunch. I got some laundry done. I did some puttering around outside, got the driveway cleaned up a bit. All that's left out there is some stray firewood. And we played Nintendo. The original Nintendo no less. We even broke out the game genie lol. We set it so we never lose lives. Playing Super Mario 3, we got to the 7th world before we had to pack it in for the night. We all took turns playing. Good clean fun. It's been so long since we've played it that we don't remember it, so it's like a whole new game. I would have preferred to sit outside on such a hot day, but it was not to be.

Except for the drama of Little R breaking into the trailer, it was a nice peaceful weekend. I feel more like myself than I have in a while. I didn't really feel depressed today. I think the secret is to keep busy.

With the price of gas we didn't even head into town today. I would have liked to go for a Timmys, but no, Mr. Man didn't want to waste the gas. Here it is midnight and I'm up again. This is when it gets depressing, when I'm all alone. And its still a pretty full moon. I just don't feel sleepy. I must have slept late again this morning. Oh well, I'm off, good night.

Midnight Chatter

Today was kind of shitty. I've spent the last couple of days reading the archives of a new blog. I tend to do that. When I find a blog that interests me, I read the whole archives. So it took me a couple of days. I get nothing else done.

While I was sitting here, minding my own business, there was one LOUD crack of thunder and then a torrential downpour. There was hail too. I need some sunshine. We now have 3 leaks in the ceiling. One in the livingroom and two in the kitchen. We need a new roof. All three spots leaked today. There I was running around putting bowls under them to catch the water. And all I want is a little sun.

Went to town with Mr. Man after work. Thankfully the car is running fine after he put the new alternator in it. It wasn't any big deal, went to the pharmacy to get his pills refilled and went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Oh we went to Dollarama too, I needed a few things from there as well. Things to help de-clutter, like hangers, for all the clothes I got from Freecycle MONTHS AGO. They've been laying in a heap in the bedroom waiting to be put away. I also got a birthday card for my sister. I figure better late than never. And I needed a new hair brush.

I keep hoping for more summer weather. I swear we've only had 3 days in the last 2 weeks that it didn't rain. They have all the fall and Halloween stuff out in Dollarama. Sigh. Back to school stuff in the drug store. That reminds me, Little R desperately needs shoes and some clothes for back to school. She has lost a lot of weight in recent months and none of her jeans fit her properly any more. Her shoes are all worn right out. I hope she has a better year in school than last year. I hope she settles down. No more of this staying in town after school. No more skipping. I don't know how she pulled it off last year. She really buckled down at the end and got her credits. Which just shows how capable she really is.


I had a bit of a scare with my blog a little while ago. I decided to upgrade it to the new version. All I wanted was to be able to put my archives into a drop down menu. Well the upgrade changed the whole look of it. I didn't like it at all. At first I didn't see the link to click to revert it back. But then after looking around for it, with great relief, I found the link and changed it back. I like it fine the way it is. I'll just have to find the HTML code to put my archives into a drop down menu, I'm sure it's out there. The list of archives is getting a little long. A drop down menu would take up much less space.

Here it is 1 a.m again. I'm wide awake. I haven't been napping. But I have been sleeping in later in the morning. It's Friday, I haven't been doing the Show and Tell thing for weeks. I've just been too distraught and distracted and depressed. It is fun to do and I hope to get back into it eventually. The only photograph I've taken lately is of a flower that came up in one of my barrels. Usually I plant petunias in my barrels. This year, as you know, I didn't plant anything, so my barrels came up full of weeds. I don't know if this flower is a weed or what. It kind of looks like a small sunflower. Here I'll show you...



Not a clue what it is. At any rate there's three of them there now since I took this picture. In another planter that I didn't plant anything in there's a petunia or two growing. Must have seeded from last year. Aren't they called volunteers?

Don't know what the plans are for this weekend. Don't know what the weather is supposed to be like. Hopefully it'll be like summer though. Please, no more rain. We're going to the Reserve for smokes tomorrow morning. After that, who knows. It's almost a full moon, the true full moon is tomorrow night. That could be part of the reason I'm wide awake still. I never sleep well when there's a full moon. Oh well, I suppose I could go lay in bed and read. That usually puts me to sleep. Sweet dreams.

Isn't August Still Summer?

I did end up having a nice long nap. I've been staying up later again too. Thus this post at 1 a.m. I had a bit of a meltdown last night when I noticed it getting dark at 8:45. That's too early. I spent the better part of the summer sitting in that damn trailer. All of August has been more like fall than summer. Today was ok, there were some hot sunny breaks, but it was mostly cloudy and cool. I missed the summer and that is really bumming me out. I'm not ready for another winter yet. This whole ordeal should make next summer that much sweeter, assuming I survive this winter.

Mr. Man is having no luck with the vehicles. He took the truck to work because the alternator on the car was shot. He had to replace the fanbelt on the truck. Then the muffler fell apart. So he fixed up the muffler and he checked the new fan belt only to discover it was being chewed up and he needed to buy another one. As he was leaving the shop the muffler fell apart again. He ended up having to stop at the side of the road to change the fan belt, in the dark, on his way home from work. He took today off to replace the alternator on the car.

Found empty liquor bottles in Little Rs room. She is 15. She smokes cigarettes, she smokes pot and now we know she's drinking too. I smoked and drank at 15. It's such an awful age. But it's not the path I want her to take. Sure I survived. But I think I'd be a much happier person today if I didn't go down that path. I really don't know what to do about it. I'm pretty sure it was my liquor out of my liquor cabinet. Nothing is safe in this house any more. I haven't even confronted her about it yet, because I don't know what to say.

Finally made the appointment to go have my dentures relined. Should have done it months ago. The thing is, when they do it, I will have to be without them for a couple of days. That could be traumatic. I guess I'll have to hide out in the house and hope nobody comes to the door. And not eat. Guess I'll stock up on those Boost drinks again to get me by.

So things are still weird around here. Nothing is as it should be. Today was a weird day. I'm feeling confused and upset. Always depressed. Mr. Man still isn't allowed to live here. I can't call long distance on my phone. I still don't have a car. My only friend around here is out of town. My dentures are still uncomfortable. My hair is still a mess. But most of the house is clean and I'm trying to keep it up. Still need to do a ton of laundry. Not spending my life at the trailer any more. Trying to enjoy the rest of the summer but the weather isn't cooperating. I'm worried sick about my daughter. Haven't even heard from Big R in ages.

One day last week my father and sister popped in for a surprise visit. Glad the house was cleaned up. They wanted to take us out for dinner. I didn't want to go. So we agreed to make plans to do it another time. I think my not wanting to go really disappointed my father. That's the last thing I want to do. Just have to make sure we do do it some other time. I missed sending my sister a birthday card. Another disappointment I'm sure. I'm just not on top of things. There's too much going on. My life is too much of a mess to think of the little things.

It's 2 a.m now. I'm not really sleepy at all. I took my sleep aid medication. I'm going to try to sleep. Good night.

Just Chattering

Went bright and early for the blood tests, and even though we left home at 6 a.m there was still one guy ahead of us in line. It's crazy. It opens at 7 but if you get there any time after 7 you'll be there for a while. Most people like to get it over with as soon as possible because they had to fast for it. Anyways I was second in line so it wasn't bad. We then had McDonalds for breakfast and Timmys coffee. Then we just hung around town, went to Canadian Tire, and sat in the truck smoking until Mr. Mans doctor appointment at 9:30. It seems he now has dangerously high cholesterol and the doctor put him on medication for that too. I don't know exactly how many medications Mr. Man is on, but it's a lot.

I don't think today is as nice as yesterday was. It's cloudy and cool when the sun isn't shining. But I did sit outside on my laptop for a little while. It was giving me a headache trying to read because its smaller than my desktop. I've waited all summer to be able to do that. Still I ended up coming inside. While I was out there I did clean up a mess of boxes and bottles that was out by the back door.

I ran into my therapist at the doctors office. I can't wait to see her again on the 20th. I have high hopes that the anti depressants are going to work for me. It can't hurt to give it a try anyways.

I even did a load of laundry for myself last night. I think I'll do some more today. I haven't done laundry for myself all summer. I have a lot of clothes. And I was wearing some things over and over again, which I NEVER do. I'd say I have too many clothes though. I've been doing Mr. Mans laundry because he needs clean clothes for work. But neglecting myself. Well I finally ran out of underwear, so it had to be done.

So much for Little R keeping me company today. She went out this morning and I haven't seen her since. She was wearing really hideous make up too. As soon as you try to tell her, in a nice way, that it's hideous, she gets all defensive. It looked ridiculous and I can't believe she's out there roaming the street looking like that. Hopefully someone else will say something to her and she'll wash it off.

When we had the bonfire a couple of weekends ago, the wood we used was that barn board we've had sitting there for ages. We aren't going to use it for anything after all. So Mr. Man cut a bunch of it up for the fire. I think this weekend we should cut it all up and haul it down to the firepit. It would really clean up that part of the yard.

So that's my day so far. I'm bored senseless. I don't feel like doing laundry right now. Being up at 5:30 I kind of feel more like taking a nap. We'll see. Have a great day.

There Is Hope

So now you know what kind of hell I've been living through all summer long. Mr. Man living in a trailer around the corner, unable to come home. Little R running away from home several times. Court appearances, CAS workers. It's just been brutal. The whole summer slipped away.

Today was the first nice day we've had in a week. What did I do all day? I sat inside reading my blog archives of course. Jeez. I actually started reading it last night and had to finish which took me all day today.

I put what I could of the garbage out last night. Some of the bags were just too heavy after being rained on for a week. At least I forced myself to get up and get dressed this morning and got out there with the wheelbarrow and got it all out in time. It was a double week because last week was a holiday.

I had the opportunity to cross paths with D nextdoor today. We actually said hi to each other. I got the feeling that if I stopped to chat she would have talked to me. There is still hope.

Tomorrow morning I'm going for blood tests. I have to fast for 12 hours. The lab opens at 7, so I'll be leaving around 6. There is always a line up. Just want to get it over and done as early as possible. Then Mr. Man has a doctor appointment at 9:30, so we'll have 2 and a half hours to kill. We'll probably get breakfast and coffee.

I'm thinking tomorrow is going to be nice like today was. I'm going to try to get outside and get some stuff done around the house, just cleaning up and puttering. It's awfully lonely with SW out of town. But Little R will be here to keep me company.

I have an appointment on the 20th to go see my therapist and the doctor to get me on anti-depressants. That's also when we'll be setting up our family counselling. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of hell. Hopefully at the end of September when we go back to court it will just get thrown out. But meanwhile at least Mr. Man and Little R are now allowed to communicate. At least he can come around the house. Things are looking up. I never expected it to go on this long. But it has, and it really burned our summer.

All this past week felt like fall. But I know there's more summer to come. And I plan on enjoying it. I'll be out there tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get to take my laptop outside. That was the whole point of it, so I could use it outside in the summer. Mr. Man had it over at the trailer for months. Now I have it back. All summer I was supposed to be blogging from my patio.

I think it's too late to bother with the hummingbird feeders. But I can still fill the seed feeders and see what happens. We still have a couple of long weekends coming up, Labour Day and Thanksgiving. All is not lost. I don't think I'll be able to cram a whole summer into August and September, but I can try. The thing is, when we were hanging around the trailer every day we never went outside. Sure I spent one day in the sun with SW and one evening we had a bonfire, where she actually burned her wedding dress, but Mr. Man wouldn't join us. I've never watched so many movies before in my life. We have a whole new collection of movies.

Now that the bail conditions have been changed and the house is cleaned up and our family is healing and mending, I feel a little better. I feel lighter. I feel more eager to do things. One more thing I have to do tomorrow is call the dentist and get an appointment to have my dentures relined. I've been putting it off for months.

So things are looking up. I have hope again. I'm ready to start living my life again. I'm sure that will help the family overall too. My depression affects them too. But things are going to change around here.

I'm off to bed. Have a great night.

The Explanation

I feel like now I can explain.

It was the end of March, just after Easter. There was a knock on the door one evening. It was a police officer and a CAS (Childrens Aid Society) worker. They wanted to question Little R. They wouldn't tell me what it was about. They took her away for questioning. I assumed something had happened at school. I really didn't know what to think. They said they would bring her back when they were done. A couple of hours later the police phoned and asked us to go up to the station. When we got there, they arrested Mr. Man!

Mr. Man was held in jail and had a bail hearing the next morning. He was charged with assault. I was up all night just freaking out and calling people trying to find someone to show up to bail him out in the morning. A couple of our friends showed up. I wasn't allowed to bail him out. Obviously I was very angry with Little R. What was she thinking?

It turns out that it all started at school. Little R told "friends" that her dad hit her. All in an effort to fit in with the crowd. She's done many things in the following months in an effort to fit in. So one of these "friends" in an effort to get the heat off of herself, told the school counsellor that Little Rs dad hit Little R. The counsellor called the CAS and the CAS called the police. I guess Little R told them what they wanted to hear when they questioned her. I don't think she had any idea what was going to happen next.

One of Mr. Mans bail conditions was no contact with Little R. So he wasn't allowed to live at home. SWs husband was the one who bailed him out, so he was supposed to live with him. He moved into SWs house. That was quite uncomfortable for him, so after a couple of weeks he moved our trailer over there and parked it in their driveway and lived in it.

There were several court appearances, but it kept getting put off. The crown wanted blood, they wanted him to go to jail. Mr. Man hired a high priced lawyer and he wanted it thrown out of court. So here we are, over 4 months later, and the last court date was this past week. They finally changed the bail conditions to where he is allowed contact with Little R for the purposes of counselling. This means he is allowed to be around the house somewhat.

All those months, Mr. Man would pick me up after work and we would go sit in the trailer and watch movies. Little R was left home alone every night and on weekends.

We are now at the point, all of us, where we just want this to end. We want our family back to normal. We want our life back. We go back to court at the end of September, giving us the chance to get some family counselling under our belts before going back to court.

All through this we've had this CAS worker coming to the house every couple of weeks. Her main concern was keeping Mr. Man away from Little R. She wasn't interested in reuniting our family. She wasn't interested in counselling. She just wanted to split this family up. She even at one point suggested Little R and I find somewhere else to live!

There was no hitting. There was yelling and arguing. There was booting in of a door. There was Mr. Man trying to be a good parent. Little R was heading down the wrong path and we were trying to scare her into changing her ways. We tried the nice guy approach with no results. Mr. Man is an excellent father. He is an even better husband. There is no way this is going to ruin our family. We will get through this.

At least now we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Things are looking up. We have a new crown who isn't hell bent on sending him to jail. There's a real chance that it will all just be thrown out of court. Mr. Man and Little R are well on their way to mending their relationship. I've been kind of stuck in the middle of all this and it's been awfully hard on me as well as them. Another reason for this deep depression. Eventually I will heal. Some day I'll have my family back intact.

So that's the hell I've been living in for the last few months. That's what I couldn't talk about. Now you have it.

Mourning The Summer Of 2008

It's a good thing Cathy left when she did because it has rained ever since. Every day this week has been rainy, making it impossible to finish cleaning up the yard. I forgot to mention in my previous post that Cathy brought me some gifts. She brought me this really funky plant, I don't know what it is but it's pretty and interesting. She also brought me a hanging basket of petunias and a cake. I never even had any of the cake. Sweets and treats don't last around here. I took a picture of the funky plant...





I seem to have gotten progressively more depressed through the week. I'm sad that I missed most of the summer. Soon it will be back to school time. I'm not looking forward to another winter in this house. In a couple of weeks I'm going to a doctor to be put on anti-depressants. I've tried them before and they always make me feel sick. I'm hoping that won't happen this time and I'm really hoping it helps me.

I just found all my hummingbird feeders. They were put away in a rubber bin. I had looked for them in the spring but didn't look in the bin. I'm wondering if it's too late to bother putting them out. This is the time of year that the hummers get really active, but will they come if there haven't been feeders out all summer.

I missed so much this summer. And I looked forward to this summer like never before. The past few months have just been a blur. A blur of depression and sadness. I got in the habit of laying on the couch watching tv all day. Then watching movies with Mr. Man at night. We spent no time outside. Normally I spend all my time outside in the summer. I didn't put out my feeders. I didn't plant my hanging baskets and whatnot. I didn't weed my gardens. I didn't cut the grass. We didn't ride. In fact the bike is just buried in the garage and hasn't even been looked at. We didn't go to any events. Mr. Man is sort of home now. I want to enjoy what's left of the summer. Now if it would only stop raining. I've hardly taken any pictures, that's so unlike me. I missed most of my flowers blooming. That is, what didn't get choked out by weeds.

Things are going good with Little R back home. She's behaving. But she's still bored senseless. I see moving to town in our future. Paradise isn't paradise when you're 15. CAS will still be involved in our life, but they seem to have given up somewhat. Little R agreed to go to a foster home, the CAS thought it would be so much better for her, but she ran away the very next day. She was on the run for a week. That was the longest week of my life. When they finally found her they brought her back home rather than back to the foster home. Now we're still waiting to get all her stuff back. We are waiting to get into family counselling. I believe that my depression is a big part of the problem. I believe boredom is a big part of my depression.

All through the winter I so looked forward to spring and to having a yard sale thus getting rid of a lot of clutter. Due to the circumstances of Mr. Man being forced out of the house, that didn't happen. I think the spring is the best time for yard sales. It's too late now.

In a way I'm mourning the summer. With all this cool rain it feels like it's over. It can't be over yet, it's only the beginning of August. I'd like to salvage what's left of the summer. But I'm not sure how to do that. It was wonderful to have a bonfire when Cathy was here. That's something else we missed out on this year. The firepit was surrounded by tall weeds. So I'd like to get a few more fires in. And barbecues. It's too late for the flowers and gardens, but there's always next year. So that's all I can do, make the best of the rest of the summer and look forward to next year.

A Productive Long Weekend

Well it was a very productive weekend indeed. Most of the house is clean and most of the grass is cut and raked. And not surprisingly I do feel a little better about life. Not a lot, just a little. It didn't make as much of a difference in how I feel as I thought it would.

Cathy and her husband came up on Sunday and they helped with the yard work. Couldn't have done it all without them. We had a barbecue for dinner then the husband left for home leaving Cathy here for a couple of days. We had our first bonfire of this year. Me and Cathy got a little tipsy at the fire. The thing is still smoldering 2 days later. On Monday Cathy was up cleaning my kitchen when I got up. She couldn't sleep, I guess our couches just weren't comfortable for her, so she got up and started cleaning. We got it all done and then it was a long boring day. I never realized just how boring it is here in paradise until I had someone to amuse. Because it was so boring she went home this morning rather than tonight. I couldn't have handled another day of sitting around with nothing to do and nowhere to go. She's used to the city where theres always something. So our visit was cut short, but it was nice to have the company and the help getting things done.

Things still don't feel normal around here. Until Mr. Man is allowed to come live here again it won't feel right. I'm still depressed. Even with the place cleaned up. I need my Mr. Man.

SW left for a road trip on Sunday. She is driving out to Edmonton. She's a lot braver than I am, I can't even imagine it. I spoke to her briefly on messenger this morning and she's not there yet but getting there. Everything is going good.

So that was my weekend. I did more than I've done in months and I felt it. I'm so out of shape I can't believe it. Just walking over to the corner store just about killed me. I've really stopped taking care of myself. Time to change that before it's too late. All I really need to do now is get on the laundry. But all I feel like doing is sleeping. I really am bored silly with living here. It used to be fun, now it's just a lot of work. Maybe when things get back to normal I'll feel differently, I don't know. But see how I'm dragging this post out just so I don't have to get up and do something? Time to get moving, have a great day.

Update And Weekend Plans

So I assume it was a CAS worker who dropped off Little Rs things Friday afternoon. She got everything back except her jewelry box and her health card and birth certificate...sigh. But she sure was happy to get her clothes.

This weekend is going to be spent doing yard work and house work. We have friends coming up on Sunday and they may have to pitch in a bit with the work. And the friends are Cathy and her husband, yes "Anonymous Cathy", lol, we are friends again. And it's nice to have such an old friend. They want to help out with the house. So I may as well take them up on the offer. Lord knows I could use the help. She may even walk away from it with some treasures.

Last weekend we went to a picnic hosted by Cathy and her husband. They do it every year, though this was the first time we went. We had a great time. It sure was nice to get out. I even played some frisbee. She always has things at these events, like silly hats, that everyone must put on and have their picture taken. This time it was a purple hat, huge sunglasses and an inflatable swim ring. It was fun. Not knowing that they don't usually bring alcohol, probably because it's in a public park, I was the only one who brought alcohol. Everyone was dipping into my stash of coolers, but it was ok, it all worked out. We brought a bottle of wine too but it didn't even get opened. We also brought a pasta salad and a watermelon. I came home with about half the salad but the watermelon went over well. There was plenty of food and plenty good times. Lots of pictures were taken. Here, I'll post a couple...

Me and Mr. Man...

Mr. Man cutting the watermelon...

Mr. Man with a swim ring on his head...

Me with the hat on...

And me and Cathy...

A good time was had by all. It was a pretty good scoff. There was a barbecue, lots of salads, chocolate covered strawberries, date squares, watermelon and I don't know what else. It was good, clean, family fun.

Cathy hasn't seen my house yet. I would much prefer having her up to a clean house. But she knows what I've been going through and she understands how things got away from me. I'm going to try to have some stuff done before she comes. I don't want to totally gross her out. I'm looking forward to a productive weekend. It's a long weekend. Cathy is on vacation from work. She's going to stay for a couple of days. Hopefully we'll have some good times again.

Little R Returns

Not very long after I posted my last entry there was a pounding on my door. It was the CAS (Childrens Aid Society) worker. She came to tell me that Little R had been found and was with the police right that minute. Also that they were bringing her home. Not back to the foster home, but home. The CAS worker decided to terminate the foster care agreement. She said if Little R is not going to cooperate with them then there's no point. So the whole thing and all the heartbreak was pointless. But she's home safe and sound thankfully. The only problem now is, she has no clothes. She packed everything to take to the foster home and unpacked it there. It seems the foster parents are going away so we can't get her stuff until next week sometime.

I know a lot of Little Rs problem is boredom and loneliness. There aren't a lot of kids her age here in paradise. She made new friends when she went to high school in town and most of them live in town. She is trying to fit in with them. She will do anything to get into town to be with them. Unfortunately they're not the best kind of influence.

So we'll see how it goes. She won't be going far with no clothes. Hopefully soon this family will be back to normal. This summer has been a write off. I hope we can salvage the last month or so. I'm relieved to have Little R back home. Glad I didn't have to go 3 months with her gone. Glad she's ok. That was the longest week of my life with her on the run. Wish us luck.