Long, Hot, Muggy, Night

Good evening...
It is so muggy and humid outside one can hardly breathe. I just stepped out with my guy (on a leash this time, there will be no more getting skunked!) and I couldn't believe how thick the air is. Its just shy of midnight and I'm wide awake. Didn't do anything all day, it was too hot and I was too depressed. Little R went home with my nephew and his family to visit with them for a couple of days after the family barbecue, so she wasn't here forcing me to do stuff. I really, really missed her today. It was too quiet and lonely without her. Hubby will be bringing her home with him tomorrow. So I fell asleep early evening, woke up in tears, I've been having the damnedest dreams lately, a lot with or about my Mom, and when I wake up to realize shes dead, and has been for 22 years, its like she just died on me all over again. Seeing my father this weekend, as of July 19th in his 92nd year, seems to bring these dreams and feelings on for me. Now that I only see him a couple of times a year, I really notice him aging and getting more frail. I think I really need to make an effort to spend more time with him. I just seem to go through these times when I miss my Mom terribly, even after all these years. Hubby told me he has the same experiences, and he lost BOTH parents, but I guess being a man, he doesn't always cry about it. I think its not just my Mom, its several family members who I grew up with but are not here now. My sister, my siblings spouses, a niece...And then of the people who are still around, my brother won't come here because of my dog and spends his summer away at his trailer anyways. My oldest sister lives too far away and doesn't drive and isn't in the best of health anyways. A lot of nieces and nephews who I rarely see, some who don't want to be bothered with me, some who have moved away. I'm down to one aunt and uncle. I did invite them to this barbecue, but I think my uncle isn't in the best of health either, and its a long drive for them. They did invite us to visit them and I think I may just take them up on that, but I'm afraid it will only depress me further in the long run.

I wish Big R would get on with the grandbaby thing. That would put some life back into my life. But, she is only 23. I guess I never mentioned her birthday, (and I see I did post that day), on July 27th. Her guy's birthday was July 21st, he turned 30. He spoiled her rotten for her birthday! So Happy Birthdays you two!!

I'm feeling very out of touch. Maybe I do need to make a trip to the city. I actually kind of miss it. Then of course there is S.P. I miss her. Clearly, she doesn't feel the same about me. I wish we could have talked about things, ironed things out and gone on with it. I had hoped to provoke a reaction out of her in my previous posts (since deleted), but, to no avail. I just got tired of making all the initiations and being ignored. It seems her life just doesn't include me any more. I can't think of anything I can do about that, I tried.

I'm just feeling really confused...not SURE about ANYTHING. My house does not feel like my haven, which it should! I don't see enough of the Hubby, we spend no time together any more, but when we do, its not quality time. I miss riding. He just hasn't had the time to work on the bike.

How does this happen? How do I go from being happy and content to depressed and confused in a couple of months? Maybe I never really was happy or content...

Anyhow, the barbecue went ok. Hubby had to build a frame and hang a tarp for shade. It was another very hot day, we needed some form of shade. It looks like hell but it did the job. Everything was fine until the food came out. There we were trying to eat and being attacked by flies and these weird little black bugs which no one could identify, and they were the worst actually. It was very uncomfortable. As soon as we took in all the food and dishes and brought out the cake, it started to rain. So then we had to move it all inside. The rain kind of dampened things. Half an hour later, the sun was shining again and the birds were singing and our guests were all leaving after the cake. It was disappointing, again. I give up. I do have a couple of pictures, didn't get a chance to get any truly good ones.

And ohmy its after 1 a.m now! I've been sitting here blogging, watching t.v, taking the dog out and time sure flies! I'll post pictures tomorrow.
Have a cool night....

What The Hell?

Something is wrong here....grrrrr. It isn't showing the way I am typing it. It isn't showing the paragraphs. When I hit enter to start a new paragraph, it doesn't seem to be working, and just turns into one long paragraph. What the hell?

I've probably screwed up the template by adding the links and crap down the left side. Oh well...but now I regret even more, deleting the whole thing, grrrrrr. I DO regret it. It was a really dumb thing to do and for a really dumb reason. One manic moment in time, one little click of my mouse, and poof, all gone. I don't like the way its turning out now. I don't like the first post. I liked it much better before, when it started out explaining my reasons and goals and a little bit of background about me. But now, its just a mess. No rhyme nor reason. I'm one click away from starting over yet again. But alas, I could never come up with the same thoughts I had months ago.

Life just sucks sometimes...

The Family Barbecue

Good morning.

Previously, I could post here every day, sometimes more than once a day, even when absolutely nothing was happening, when I really had absolutely nothing to say or talk about. But now, after deleting it all, I don't know, I can't seem to do that. I feel like I need a topic.




Hmmmm....




Ok, so this weekend we had a little family barbecue. I slaved my ass off. I forced Hubby and Little R to slave their asses off as well. I was the usual freaking maniac with them. As always, I leave everything to the very last minute. I sit here all week telling myself there isn't that much to do really, its no big deal. No sweat right. Then I think I have a big jump on things when I stay up half the night baking birthday cakes and cooking the potatoes and eggs for salads. HA!! Then come the day, the dog always wakes me up too early. I'm all casual for 2 hours having coffee and "waking up". Next thing I know its 11 a.m and NOTHING is done! Ok still under control, not that much to do, no biggie right. I'll go to clean the washroom, thinking all I have to do is clean the toilet, sweep the floor, a general wipe of the counter. Then I notice the walls! I end up spending a whole hour just in the washroom and it still isn't really good enough for me. Every room I go in I notice more and more cleaning I've neglected. Every little thing I ask the Hubby and Little R to do, they don't do good enough and I'm doing it over right behind them, freaking out on them all the way. It always starts with wiping a spot on a wall and then its so noticable I have to wipe down the whole damn wall. Meanwhile, none of the food is being prepared etc. By the time guests start to arrive, we're all traumatized, near nervous breakdown mode, exhausted and pissed off at each other. The same thing happens every time! You would think I would learn. But then once we start visiting and talking with our guests, we all cheer up and forget the trauma, until next time. Thats one reason I always tell Big R to arrive a little early, hehe, I put her to work and she helps out. Thats what family is all about. Speaking of Big R...man, she seemed so mature, all grown up, not my kid any more, but a true young lady. She has her own life. She is taking care of herself. She doesn't NEED me! That hurts. But thats what I wanted all along. She's happy and self sufficient, my job is done. I've really had to face facts the last year or so, that I am OLD, that I'm NOT perfect, that some day my kids really won't need me. Cripes, as with the rest of my family, I only see them a couple of times a year. I more or less refuse to go down to the city any more. My oldest sister got away with that when she moved up to Gravenhurst, but she doesn't drive and thats a lot further away than I am. At any rate, it was great to see everyone. I think we'll make the effort to get up to my sisters place before the summer is over. If I start now, maybe the house will be presentable for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we can have company without all the trauma. Yeah right.




The rose I transplanted has bloomed. I don't remember what the flowers looked like in previous years, and am not sure if this is how they're supposed to look or if moving it did this to it. Something is eating my Clematis grrrrrrr. I did spray it, but then realized I was using a fungicide not an insecticide. One of the Dahlias given to me is starting to bloom and its purple! Yippee! No pictures of that yet, I'm waiting for it to fully open. But here's the rose...





And my yellow rose...

I did notice yesterday that all my gardens looked a little neglected, need weeding. With all the rain lately, I just haven't been out there. Thats on my list of things to do this week.

Before deleting everything, I had mentioned Big R telling me about a blog she had been reading for several years, she provided a link to it on her blog, so I got to check it out. This guy has quite the following! There was 166 comments on the last post! There were a lot of folks who said they had been reading it for years. Amazing. The gist of the post was, he wasn't sure he was going to carry on with it, it was affecting his personal life (go figure), some people who know him in real life can't distinguish the difference of crap written in a blog and the person they know in real life. I think people without blogs don't really understand. It is mostly random babbling of random thoughts etc. Its not to be taken too seriously, but some people, those without blogs I believe, do take it all too seriously. Its venting. Like I also said previously, its almost kind of therapeutic. So yeah, it was nice to finally get into read Big R's blog too, I have been unable to get into it under my own sign up name for months. I got a lot of catching up done last night reading it. She doesn't tell me any of this stuff! I think, she thinks, I've been reading it all along and so expects me to know about all this stuff going on in her life, which actually I am totally unaware of.

Speaking of reading, I finished the first Laura Ingalls Wilder book "The Farmer Boy", which is a story about her husbands childhood, growing up on a pioneer farm. I absolutely loved it! Now its back to the psycho killer book, "The Shoemaker". I used to love this kind of book, they've always been disturbing to me, but at the same time facinating. Now I'm just finding it disturbing. Not enjoying it much. But as I've said, once I start a book, I HAVE to finish it, even if it takes me weeks, even if I read other books at the same time. My own little obsession....

I'm off to start my day. Have a lovely day!

I Need A Nap

Greetings.
There I was at 1:30 a.m trying to get Bear into the bathtub. I ended up bribing him with "Snausages" and had to lift his back legs in for him. I had let him out before going to bed. As he sometimes does, he took off. When he came back I watched him rolling around on the grass for quite some time. It was unusual for him to do that at night and for so long. As soon as I opened the door to call him in, I understood. The smell hit me. He had been sprayed by a skunk!
The house still reeks today. He smells fresh as a daisy exept for his face where I couldn't wash him last night. It seems anywhere he walked before his bath got the smell on it.
I'm tired today.
Until later...

Tomatoes, Green Peppers and Halloween

Good evening.
I finally got the grass cut, it only took me a day and a half lol. Remind me to never let it go that long again. The lawnmower kept stalling every time I hit a long, thick patch. I'm glad I got it finished before the rain started tonight.
We've mentioned in conversation that we are thinking of renting this place out. So far we have two people eager to move in lol. It will be a tough decision when the time comes.
My sister recently returned from a month in England. I look forward to hearing all about her vacation when she is here this weekend.
So far this has been a very humid summer. When it isn't sweltering hot, its raining. Plenty of thunderstorms also. Thats probably one good reason my gardens are doing so well lol.
I've started reading the books I scored last weekend. (I still can't get over the great deals I got! lol) I am reading one called "The Shoemaker" by the same author who wrote "Sybil", which is another book I bought. Its a true story about a guy with split personalities who rapes and murders. I'm only a couple of chapters into it, but I can tell its going to be gross and hard to read. To lighten things, and for reading outside, I started another one called "The Farmer Boy" by Laura Ingalls Wilder. It is actually for 8-12 year olds lol, but I am thoroughly enjoying it. I got 2 of her books at one sale, but there are several more in the series. The tv show "Little House On The Prairie" was based on these books. If I continue to read them 2 at a time I will run out of reading material before the winter even hits lol. I probably did buy enough to get me through the winter though. I ALWAYS have a book on the go. I read every night when I go to bed, and ocassionally during the day. If its a really good book, the type you can't put down, I will read it non-stop, day and night, until its done. That is rare.
I took a couple of pictures of our tiny vegetable garden. The tomatoes and peppers are growing quite nicely.






I'm already looking forward to expanding it next year. I think it would be great to grow our own pumpkins for Halloween. There is a little farm down the road which sells pumpkins at the side of the road. Last year I got 3 little ones for $.50 each and carved them...



Not the best picture. I carved "Trick Or Treat" on them. It wasn't nearly as difficult to do as I had expected it to be lol. Some folks didn't believe me and had to go feel them to make sure they were real, thought it was a lamp I bought at Walmart LOL. But why am I talking about Halloween already, its still only July!
They already have Halloween stuff out in some stores! And the "Back To School" commercials are starting on tv already, sheesh.
Well, I'm off to bed, have a good night.

My First Clematis Flower!

Good evening...
Too much rain happening here, haven't been able to get outside much. My Clematis bloom opened, and it is beautiful! There are actually several buds. I believe it is a "Nelly Moser", or something like that lol, and it is pinkish with a dark pink in the center. Check back for a picture of it once the rain stops.
There is a ton of barn board waiting for us to pick it up. Friends are putting new walls up etc., basically rebuilding their barn/shed and we are taking some of the wood to perhaps use for wainscotting or flooring. The weather has not been cooperative. Besides Hubby has had a busy week at work. We've only picked up one truckload so far.
I haven't cut the grass in too long. Its just been too wet and the days the sun was out I was busy with appointments etc. Ugh.

Hello again...its Saturday now and I took a bunch of pictures of the Clematis and yes it is a "Nelly Moser". Its been overcast most of the day and I didn't use the flash on the camera.






So there you have it. I love how it stands out in the bottom picture! There are several other buds, can't wait to see them open too. I have no idea how long the flowers last. I have seen other ones (from a distance) covered in flowers.

Well, I pulled an all-nighter last night, don't know what happened to me, I just could not get to sleep. I do know I am getting too old for that LOL. It really hurt today. Hubby dragged me out garage sale'ing. We got some fabulous deals! At one place, which was a moving sale at a farm, they had a barn full of stuff. They had a lot of books and it was "fill up a box with books for $1"! I must have gotten 30 or so books for $1! I got books at every sale we went to. Another one had books $.25 for paperbacks and $.50 for hardcovers, I got several there also. I came home with at least 50 books! In total I think we spent less than $30. We got a pair of wooden batwing doors, for $2!, which Hubby has already installed in the kitchen doorway. We got a couple of nice lamps, lamp shades and a gorgeous ceiling fixture also for our kitchen. I got a handmade, plaid poncho and some glass candle stick holders. Like I say, less than $30 was spent, we had a great day.
Well I think I'll try to play a couple of games of euchre before I head to bed. I did have a couple of hours of sleep early in the evening, so I'm raring to go for now. I may have trouble deciding on a book to read with so many to choose from LOL!
Have a wonderful night.

I Have Lurkers...

Greetings Dear Readers...
Life is chockfull of surprises isn't it? I would have never, ever, even thought of you, S.S, as one of my faithful viewers! I am a little dismayed that you remain a lurker though. You used to pop into euchre and say hello, you should say hello on here once in a while lol. At least just sign my guestbook...
That was a wild storm we had the other day. There was hardly any thunder, but tons of lightning. There was a lot of wind damage done around here. Of course the power went out, Little R was at a friends place, so Hubby and I opened the blinds, sat back and watched the light show. There seems to be another storm brewing up this moment as I type. I hope I get to finish before the power inevitably goes out again. The poor dog is a nervous wreck.
The gardens are rocking! We have tons of tomatoes and green peppers already. I didn't want to mention that my Clematis has blooms on it, for fear of them not blooming lol, but when I looked at it today, sure enough one of the blooms is opening! Yay! My very first Clematis to actually bloom! All of my Columbines are blooming again, I didn't know they have a second round. I also seem to have an awful lot of Wild Columbines around, never knew there was wild ones. I have three rose bushes, they are all blooming still, even the one I moved.
The Dahlias which were given to me by a neighbour, thank you M.L, are huge. I'm not familiar with them so didn't know how big they would get and planted a couple of them too close together. They too have flower buds showing. I planted the two Easter Lillies Hubby gave me, and they both have new growth happening! I always thought Easter Lillies were a tropical thing lol. I had no idea they would grow here. I certainly didn't know if you plant them they will come back after they die down. Everything is just thriving.
I have come to learn more about the 4H Club. We went to a judging competition in Drayton a couple of weeks ago. The kids go and judge various things like dairy cows, beef cattle, market rabbits, quilt squares, haylage and stuff like that. It was fun, interesting and educational. It teaches the kids how to judge, what to look for. What I have learned is the club we are in isn't the best one out there. Our leaders are not very involved or enthusiastic or organized. We still don't even know when the next meeting is! So next year I think I am going to switch her to a different club in our area. We'll stay with the Dairy Club though. Little R has been going to the farm quite regularly, thank you S.W. There was some brief concern about Gem, that maybe something was wrong with her, but she seems fine now.
I am starting to feel more like myself again. Lets face it, there will always be assholes among us. Contrary to the belief of some, I do not live for the drama. I don't like drama lol. There is no pleasing all the people all the time. I can live with that. If people can't or won't understand me, that's their loss, their problem, not mine.
We ended up in emerg. again last week, ugh. I got yet another toothache, they never happen during office hours, never. It started around 7 p.m and progressed throughout the evening until I was in screaming agony. After taking 5 or so of Hubbys extreme pain pills, and using OraGel and getting no relief I figured it must be infected. I finally fell asleep only to awake within minutes from the pain, so off we went. No kidding we were in and out within about 7 minutes! It was unbelievable. They gave me a dose of antibiotics and a shot for pain and a prescription for both. I went to the dentist and was quite relieved when he agreed with me that I just need dentures. We have never had dental insurance. I've had a couple of traumatic experiences with dentists, so have a level of fear there. Since my teens my teeth have steadily declined. I do brush frequently and try to keep them healthy, theres nothing more I can do. Some people just have bad teeth. My mother had bad teeth, yet my father has all his own teeth still at 91. I have always had dentists telling me its better to save your own teeth than get dentures blah blah blah. I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on saving my teeth. I realize its better to keep your own teeth than to have dentures. But its time. I love this dentist! I trust him, I don't fear him. He gives us a break because we don't have insurance (some don't care). He's great and I'm glad I found him. So by the end of this year I will have dentures! Yay...
We're losing our satellite signal off and on, the power usually isn't far behind. So I should sign off for now.
Have a lovely afternoon.

Its Been A While...

Good evening...
How sad that I went ahead and deleted my whole blog again, in a manic moment. I just didn't want the psycho in-laws knowing anything about our life. But there was some good posting on there and some good links also. Its a shame.
I must say its been interesting to scan through the IP addresses of who is STILL checking up on me.
It is bizarre how people are so very interested and yet show no interest at all, in the real world. I know who you are, I know how often you're on my site, I know what pages you look at, and for how long. My new guestbook even shows right on it, to everyone, how many times its been viewed, and yet, no one has signed it. Very interesting...
What are you looking for? What do you hope or expect to see? What do you want? What do you want to know?
Maybe I should unblock some email addresses?
I started out sharing some personal info about myself, such as my lifelong battles with depression. My struggles, trials and tribulations, dramas, traumas and negative life experiences. I was open and honest. I told it the way it is.
The truth is, a mere couple of months ago I was happier than I've ever been. My life was finally on an even keel. Nothing was, or is, perfect. I don't expect perfection, ever. I'm not sure perfection even exists. It would be closer to perfect if my husband wasn't trashed by that car accident.
I also mentioned my troubles with PMS. Go ahead and laugh. But it truly isn't funny at all, its quite serious when you have to live with it.
I spoke out about things in the news, things in the world, sharing my opinions and feelings on matters.
I did a lot of thanking, expressing my appreciation and gratitude to people in my life. Unfortunately, some of those people never even saw what I said. I also expressed my anger and disappointment with people.
I shared my day-to-day life, my gardening adventures, shopping excursions, life in a small town.
If our bike was on the road, I would be sharing our riding adventures. Alas, she still sits in the garage waiting for some TLC. But, its not the end of the world, we will ride before this season ends. We have been out for a couple of short scoots, nothing worth mentioning.
Life was going good, with the exception of my husband being crippled, but we were dealing with it. Then the negativity started, coming from all directions, and before you know it, I'm a basketcase. It almost seems like just because I was somewhat happy and content, some folks strived to cause me grief. It got me wondering if I should be so open and honest, sharing anything personal.
I also stated another reason for this blog was for me to learn to express myself accurately. I have since learned it doesn't matter how articulate I am or not, some people will never get it. Some people simply do not want to understand. Some people simply don't listen. People hear, see or read what they want to, regardless of what is really being said. People tell me they didn't know I had such an interest in gardening and it sounds fake. What? I've been told I'm a "biker chick", I disagreed and was argued with. I've been accused of things which aren't true. I've been called a liar. I am constantly, endlessly defending myself. What the hell? I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion. I must find a way or learn how to not care what others think about me. To a degree I don't care, but sometimes its bothersome, like when I disagree.
So anyways, I'm not sure whats going to happen with this blog, or with my personal site. But for now I thought I would just give you all something to read lol.
I have been quite busy lately. Got my car back on the road finally. The gardens are coming along swimmingly. Getting lots done around the house. Still lots more to do though lol. We are thinking of selling soon, or, just renting it out and moving on. Having the "security of neighbours" isn't all its cracked up to be. As huge as the lot seemed at first, it gets smaller seeming all the time. Besides, I need trees.
Until next time...
Have a great night.

Little Rs Birthday

Good morning.
The party was somewhat of a success. The rain held off, we didn't have to use plan B, which was a relief. Only about half of the invited guests showed up, which is disappointing but to be expected I think. The kids all had a great time, thats the main thing. Its too bad there was the black cloud of my husbands family looming over Hubby and I, we were kind of in a stunned daze most of the day. Little R received many lovely gifts. I would like to thank everyone, she loved everything. She also enjoyed seeing some of her friends she hasn't seen in a while. Every year we try to do something different. This was probably the last year for an actual birthday party.