Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas is over for another year. Now we'll just kick back and enjoy the holidays. Mr. Man has 11 days off work, which is so nice. The time wil probably fly by. This wasn't the best Christmas for me. I typed up an entry on Christmas Eve but then I didn't post it, because it was just a bunch of whining about how it doesn't feel like Christmas. It never did feel like Christmas for me this year. No spirit. It's sad because I did used to feel it. I used to be so into it. This year was just going through the motions.

Christmas Eve Mr. Man, Little R and I went to town. Little R got her hair cut and we did grocery shopping and got a couple of last minute things. While we were out, Uncle T cleaned up the house. Mr. Man made perogies for dinner. Then we were just relaxing, listening to music, having drinks and playing darts. Then Mr. Man wanted to watch a movie. Little R didn't want to watch a movie. So she went off upstairs. The next thing I know Mr. Man and Uncle T had both gone to bed. So Little R and I watched the movie and then continued to play darts. We were up til about 1. She was right, we never watch movies on Christmas Eve, why start now. So it really didn't feel like Christmas.

Christmas morning, I was the first one up around 6:30. Then Little R got up, then Uncle T, who it turns out had been up earlier. I had to wake up Mr. Man. We opened our stockings. Everyone was happy. Then we opened our gifts. Everyone was happy. There wasn't nearly as many gifts as there usually is, but it was still nice. Uncle T baked banana bread and together with Mr. Man they stuffed the turkey and got it in the oven. Oh yeah, we weren't sure what if anything Mr. Man was going to get from work. Last year it was a turkey and a ham. This year it was a turkey. Then the day was spent hanging around the fire, playing darts and listening to music. Little R got a cell phone for Christmas so she was busy playing with that, texting with her friends constantly.

We had dinner around 6 and it was delicious. Uncle T did most of the cooking. After dinner we all took the dog for a walk. Then we settled down to watch a movie. We were watching Fred Claus and I was basically sleeping through the whole thing, so eventually I just went to bed. That was around 8 and I was up again around 12. It's now 2 a.m and I'm craving leftovers. Thankfully we have plenty of leftovers.

So everyone's asleep. I'm up sitting at the computer. I took my meds so I am ready to go back to bed. I'll post more tomorrow sometime. It'll probably feel more like Christmas tomorrow. That has happened to me before. We're dropping Little R off at my nephews place tomorrow to spend a few days with her cousins. I think it will do her some good to be around family.

So until later today, I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. Have a good night.

It's Almost Christmas!

I had hoped to go to town on Friday night to finish up the Christmas shopping, but Mr. Man didn't feel like going. So we went on Saturday. It snowed pretty much all weekend. Sunday was bad, we got a real good dumping that day. So Saturday we got a late start. It was the day of my sisters memorial up in Gravenhurst. Our car wouldn't even start. We planned to go with my other sister, but because of the weather she decided not to go. Good thing we weren't planning to go in our car. So that put us behind schedule, it took Mr. Man quite a while but he finally did get the car started. We went to town and finished our shopping. I'm still not happy with what we got. I would like to get a few more things. Since we had to do all the shopping together, there won't be any surprises for me or Mr. Man. We both pretty much know what we're getting. Talk about sucking the fun right out of it. We were going down to Mississauga Saturday night for a Christmas get together with friends, so I told my sister we would pop in at her place first to drop off their gifts. We were so behind schedule, then on the way down the road was closed for an accident and we had to detour, it wasn't 6:30 til we got there. So all we did was a hit and run. We promised to go again on Boxing Day for a proper visit. We finally got to the get together. There was tons of food. We had a few drinks. We had a good time. We exchanged gifts. My one old friend who was there, C, had told me not to get her anything, so I didn't. Didn't she turn around and get us a box of chocolates as well as a card with scratch tickets. Grrrrrrr. That wasn't very nice. Cathy spoiled me again. She got me a really nice rooster cookie jar to add to my rooster collection as well as a couple of smaller things. She gave Mr. Man a cool ornament, its Santa on a bike and when you press a button the headlight comes on and it plays Born To Be Wild. They even got a bottle of vodka for T, how thoughtful. We had lots of laughs. I felt bad leaving Little R home alone yet again and was a little worried about her all evening. The drive home was uneventful until we got up to this neck of the woods. Then the snow started coming down quite heavy. Thankfully Little R was fine when we got home. We brought her a McChicken as she was craving one.

Sunday it was a blizzard all day long, it just didn't let up. That was the day of my sisters memorial in Brampton. I don't know if my other sister went to it or not. We didn't go, the roads were not fit for travelling. I felt so bad about not going. I spent the day feeling very depressed and guilty. Quite overwhelmed actually. We laid around and watched tv all day.

Our real tree still isn't fully decorated. No one is into it. There just isn't much Christmas spirit in this house. Everyone seems a little on the depressed side. We just didn't do any of the usual stuff like baking and decorating, even picking out the tree together. Mr. Man and I have been going out partying every weekend and leaving Little R home alone. Things will be different next year. I'm going to start the shopping in September. I'm going to bake with Little R. I'm going to involve her in our reindeer games. And I'm going to decorate the house like I used to. Hopefully next year no one will die. We've had too many Christmas deaths in this family.

Today is Mr. Mans last full day of work. He works half a day tomorrow, then he's off work until January 5. It'll be a nice break for him. He needs the rest. But he's going ahead and making all kinds of plans, so if he wants any rest he better stop with the plans. I plan on dragging him out tomorrow, Christmas Eve to get groceries and last minute gifts, stocking stuffers, booze, that kind of thing. We have no actual plan for Christmas Eve, just the 4 of us hanging out at home together. We've been watching Christmas movies for weeks, so I don't know if we'll do that. We usually go out visiting or have people over. So it's going to be strange. Except for Mr. Man going to work, we're all home together all the time. It's just not going to be the usual gift extravaganza that it usually is. I feel bad about that. Hopefully I can get a few more things tomorrow.

It seems like we're all getting sick all over again. Little R is definately sick again. I think Mr. Man keeps bringing it home from work. There's a guy at his work who keeps coming in sick. On Boxing Day we are taking Little R down to her cousins place. She's going to stay there for a few days. I'm hoping it will help her to be around some family. She hasn't seen them in quite some time and they used to get together on the holidays all the time. But I'm going to miss having her here. I hope she has fun, I hope it's worth it, I hope she isn't too sick to go.

Poor Bear. He knows it's Christmastime, but he doesn't know it isn't Christmas yet. He keeps trying to snag presents from under the tree. He grabbed one yesterday and walked away with it, thankfully he didn't tear it open. He picked up a knitted ornament out of the box and walked away with it. It's so cute. We involve him in the whole Christmas thing, he loves presents. He opens all his own gifts. He knows there's goodies in all those packages under the tree. I didn't get him as much as I usually do either.

This year is just kind of a bust. I don't know where to find the spirit. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Will I find the spirit by then? Sadly I just want to cry. I've been very weepy the last few days. I'm just full of bad feelings. I think there are several contributing factors. I'll be happy when Christmas is over with. I'll get the spirit on Boxing Day. Once it's all over with I'll relax. I just feel this intense pressure to feel happy, and I just don't. The house is a mess. It seems like our whole life is a mess. I'm just overwhelmed. Hopefully I'll have a happy post for Christmas. Have a good day.

A Week From Hell

We're expecting a big snow storm today. And another one on Sunday. I'm hoping it won't be too bad because I want to go to town tonight to finish up Christmas shopping. Mr. Man woke me up at 4:30 this morning. At least he made me a coffee. So I've been sitting here for hours wondering why I'm up. Just waiting for the storm to start.

We got our real tree. Mr. Man bought it on his way home from work on Wednesday. He couldn't fit it on the car. He didn't go to the usual place so the only way to get a nice full tree was to get a tall one. Like 10 feet tall. The ceiling in the familyroom is only 7 feet. He had to have his friend Wayne pick it up and deliver it to us on Thursday because he has a truck. So after cutting 3 feet off of it we set it up last night. It's drinking well. When I checked the water this morning it was half gone. It still needs some trimming. We'll decorate it at some point this weekend.

What a terrible week it was. On Monday Mr. Man came home in a foul mood and immediately started bitching at Little R about being on the computer too much etc. She got quite upset. By the time everyone went to bed I thought all was well again. Apparently not. Sometime during the night, after everyone had gone to bed, my precious daughter took a handful of pills. She wanted to die. So Tuesday morning I got up and she was asleep on the couch in the familyroom. I didn't think anything of it. Eventually I went back to bed to read and have a nap. I woke up around 2:30 and she was still on the couch. Again I didn't really think much of it. Then she woke up. She immediately told me she didn't feel well. I told her she must still be sick just go back to sleep. She told me I didn't understand. It just happened that Mr. Man came home from work early because he is sick too. He had just gone to lay down when she told me she took a bunch of pills. So we all got up and dressed and rushed to the hospital. She had taken a combination of my pills and Mr. Mans pills. The dose she took could have been fatal. They kept her in the hospital for hours and had a crisis worker come in to talk to her. The crisis worker was pretty useless, Little R wouldn't even talk to her, so I ended up talking to her. The whole thing was pretty traumatic. I'm so upset that my daughter felt that way. I also noticed she had cut up her arm. It wasn't deep but it was significant. My daughter needs help and I don't know how to help her.

The next day, Wednesday, Little R got up and got dressed and was out of the house bright and early. I thought this was very strange, but I thought she was just going for a little walk to clear her mind. A little while later I found a note on the kitchen table. She had hopped on the school bus and gone to town. She said don't worry I'll come home on the bus. So all day I worried. I had a feeling she wouldn't be on that bus, and I was right. She didn't come home. Eventually I had to call the police and report her as a run away. By now I was very upset. I was so worried about her. What was she up to, what was she thinking? She only had a sweater on, no coat. All day Thursday I stayed off the computer in case she or the police tried to phone. Nothing. I was a basketcase. Then around 3:30 there was a banging on the front door. She came home on the school bus. I cannot describe the relief I felt. She was ok. She was home, safe and sound.

So we have a family counselling meeting on Monday morning. I'm going to do my best to help Little R. I know part of how she's feeling. I've arranged for her to go have a visit with some family she hasn't seen in a long time after Christmas. Her cousins. She'll stay for a couple of days and have some good clean fun. I know a big part of her problem is just being bored and lonely. It'll be good when she gets back in school in February.

It looks like we won't be going to either memorial for my sister. With the impending bad weather my other sister isn't going to Gravenhurst so we can't get a ride with her. Our car might not make it. And as for Brampton I simply cannot go. So we will just have to mourn in our own little way. This weekend is going to be spent preparing for Christmas. And showing Little R that we really do love her and that she is precious to us. I can't believe any of that happened, it's like a bad dream. This week was just terrible. Thank God the weekend is here. I'm still pretty upset, but I'm trying to calm down. I need to think. I need to help my daughter. I don't ever want her to feel that way again. Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers. Have a great day.

Christmas And Death

It seems like it's always snowing here. When it isn't a blizzard it's flurrying. It just never stops. Yesterday it was raining and everything was melting, then the temperature dropped and it started snowing again.

On Saturday we went to the company Christmas party. It was much better than last year. The limo showed up early and the female driver, who was dressed like a hooker, came to the door and asked to use our washroom. Of course it was a mess. She only opened the car door sometimes. Male drivers seem to be much better at it. There weren't as many people in the car this year so there was more room, it was more comfortable. We basically had the car all to ourselves all the way down to the city before we picked up the others. Dinner was good. Most of the guys had steak, I had potato skins lol. Mass quantities of alcohol were consumed. Everyone was up dancing, the band was pretty good. We had the choice of the limo ride or getting a room at a nearby hotel. We chose the limo, others chose the room. We just didn't want to spend the night down in the city. The limo ride is fun. Some people had to leave early, so the car took them home then came back and was sitting outside at our beck and call all night. On the way home there was only us and one other couple. We dropped them off and then had the car to ourselves again. Our waitress said to me that she was impressed at how well we were all holding our liquor! When the boss signed off on the tab she told him it was the highest tab for that number of people she had ever had! There were 14 of us. Someone kept ordering these apple shooters, they were very good, they tasted like apples. I stole a few shooter glasses. We had a very good time, but I'm sure it would have been even better if we weren't grieving. Not many pictures turned out, I'll have to see what Mr. Man got on his phone camera. Here are a couple of pictures, the limo parked in front of our house, some of Mr. Mans co-workers and spouses, and my lovely poinsetta. I'll post decorating and tree pictures at a later date.

And here's a picture of inside the limo and me and Mr. Man in the limo.

A very good time was had by all.

So there isn't going to be a funeral. There are going to be two memorials. One in Gravenhurst on Saturday and one in Brampton on Sunday. Apparently that's how my sister wanted it. My niece in Brampton is too sick to travel to Gravenhurst so she is hosting a memorial at her house as well. We haven't decided what we're going to do. I kind of want to avoid the whole thing and do nothing. I'm comfortable going to a funeral because I know what to expect. I've never been to a memorial so I don't know what to expect. I think the appropriate thing for us to do is to go up to Gravenhurst. But then we have to get a ride with my other sister because our car is acting up. And we're expected at a party in Mississauga at 6. It's going to be brutal.

It is so conflicting having a death this close to Christmas. I was already having trouble getting the Christmas spirit, now it's impossible. I used to love this time of year and it took no effort to feel all warm and fuzzy. I'd give anything to feel that way again. I gave Mr. Man my cards to mail for me today. I almost forgot all about them. We got a card from Big R yesterday with a lovely picture of her enclosed, that was nice. I've hardly done any decorating this year. We still don't have our real tree. I'm only about half done my shopping. Mr. Man really sucks the fun out of shopping. I think he's a big part of my problem with the Christmas spirit. Previously I had my own car and could just shop at my liesure. Now I have to go with him and he bitches at me through the whole thing. I don't know when we're going to be able to finish the shopping and get a tree. I guess we'll be busy next Sunday. Then i have all the wrapping to do. I don't even have wrapping paper. Usually I buy it after Christmas when it's on sale, last year I didn't get any. I don't know, this is turning into a big clusterfuck Christmas.

I'm off to start my day, maybe I'll do some wrapping today. T has gone with Mr. Man today, so I can wrap their stuff. I have visions of being up very late Christmas Eve doing the wrapping etc. Have a good day.

Rest In Peace Anne

I got some very sad news last night. My oldest sister, Anne, passed away yesterday. I'm not sure of her exact age but she was in her 70s. She had recently had a heart attack and had surgery for that. It's been a couple of years since I saw her, I find myself now wishing I had listened to Mr. Man and gone to visit her. She will be missed. She lived in Gravenhurst and I'm hoping we can hitch a ride with other family members for the funeral since unfortunately the check engine light has started coming on in our car again. We just spent $700 fixing the darn thing. Mr. Man is afraid the car won't make such a long drive. I'm tempted to say it just wouldn't be Christmas without a death in my family. We've had several Christmastime deaths. Even though I didn't see her much recently I will really miss her. She leaves behind a husband, 4 grown children, numerous grandchildren and a few great grandchildren. Rest in peace Anne.

It seems I caught Little Rs virus. I've been sick all week. I've just been hoping I'm well enough to go to the company Christmas party this Saturday. Now I won't be in much of a partying mood anyway. Life does go on though. It's just so conflicting to be mourning and celebrating at the same time. As I say it's nothing new to me though, I've been through this before. We'll still be counting our blessings. Life has to go on. The funeral will be tough. Seeing my sisters family will be hard. I'm sure my brother-in-law is devestated. They were together a very long time. I feel very bad for him but I'm sure their kids will take care of him.

The guys fixed our electrical problem. It seems we had some small fires in our outlets. We're damn lucky we didn't have a fire. They did some rewiring and replaced the outlets with proper ones. So my Christmas tree is lit up once again. We had too much stuff plugged into some of them so we moved things around too.

I found out the other day that my father had been in the hospital. Not sure what was wrong other than he wasn't feeling well. He was sent home the same day I found out about it so he must be doing ok. At his age you just never know. I heard he is very upset about my sister though.

Mr. Man brought me a beautiful poinsetta the other day. I'll be posting pictures of all my decorating once it's all done.

Well I can't think of much else to talk about today. My mind is pretty occupied with thoughts of my sister. I'm off to start my day. Have a good one.

No Sleep

It's 3:15 a.m and I am wide awake. I don't know what woke me up. My nose was all congested, that may be it. I think I may be coming down with the virus Little R has. I'm feeling really upset. I'm crying and everything. It's been a while since I had a good cry.

So then I went back to bed. I still coudn't sleep so I turned on the lamp to read. As I was having a coughing attack Mr. Man woke up. He was not happy and he immediately got dressed and got up. It must have only been 3:30 or so. I assume he stayed up and went to work early, he does that sometimes. I fell asleep as soon as he was up.

I awoke again around 6:30 with a start. I don't understand this because I actually took 3 Lorazepams last night. They usually help me sleep like a baby. We watched The Santa Clause 3 last night. At some point during the evening Mr. Man was talking about selling the house. That's what upset me I think. There's a lot about this place that I can't stand, but in over 5 years it has become my home. It is the first house we bought. It is the first place that was truly ours. At this point I just can't imagine giving it up. And the thought of packing and moving is terrifying. We have accumulated a lot of stuff in 5 years. The house needs a lot of work before we could sell it. The whole idea just stresses me right out.

When I think about all the places we rented before buying this place, well I don't know. Most of them were terrible. The last place we lived before here was great. Sometimes I wish we had just stayed there. The truth is Mr. Mans health is failing. He can't keep up with house repairs and maintenance, the mowing and shovelling. He just can't do it. We still need a new roof. Now we're having some kind of electrcal problem, half the house doesn't work. I hope he at least waits until after we get to burn all that beatiful birch tree wood before he sells it. In a way I wouldn't mind moving to town. I am feeling very isolated here. It would be nice to be able to go out walking and window shopping. Or to just have the convenience of having stores nearby. Our little store closes at 7 every night, which has been inconvenient many times. But when I think of SWs new apartment I just want to cry. It's so tiny, I can't imagine us living somewhere like that. If we were to move back down to the city I would really miss the snow among other things. I don't think going back to the city is really an option.

So where would we go? We wouldn't be able to buy another house. We lost all our equity in this place. The only place I can imagine going back to is the place we lived before moving here, but even that is in the city. I'll miss my fireplace. I'll miss my nieghbours. I'll miss living in the country. And what about the dog? Not everywhere would let us have a dog. He is getting old but he has a few good years left in him. I'm spoiled for the country. The wide open spaces. The quiet.

But Mr. Man seems to have it stuck in his head that we will be selling soon. I'm very distressed. First there's a ton of work to do to make it sellable. There's a lot of stuff to get rid of to clear it out. Things we wouldn't be able to take with us. We would need storage for the bike. I think an apartment is out of the question. I think we'd have to throw away a lot of our worn out old furniture and sell the rest. Probably Freecycle a ton of stuff. I just don't even want to think about it.

Why does he do this to me? I'm trying to think happy Christmas thoughts. It's been wonderful having his brother here with us. Though I would have preferred just having him in our life not neccesarily living with us. Sometimes it's awkward. Sometimes it's annoying. I think I'm getting used to it. It would be a lot easier to swallow if he was actually working. I think he's getting a little depressed with no work. I just get no time alone any more, when that's all I had before, too much time alone. It went from one extreme to the other. Thankfully he's at least very helpful around the house. Being trapped here with T and Little R and no vehicle is very trying. With the power out in half the house we have no tv either. That makes for very long days. I've been sleeping a lot again. Just to pass the day.

I want to get more shopping done but the money situation won't allow that. I have to be patient. So I'll be out there at the last minute shopping. I should wrap up what I've already got but that's kind of difficult with Little R and T here all the time. I need to get everyone out of the house to do it. I only have a little over 2 weeks left to finish shopping. I won't have any money for a while yet. Stress me out. I knew I should have done it sooner. Next year I'm going to be on top of it. It makes the season so much more enjoyable.

I'm so upset at the thought of selling the house. It really messed with my sleep last night. I'm totally stressed about Christmas shopping. I'm worried about Mr. Man having a heart attack. And I'm worried I may have cervical cancer. Add to that I'm trapped here without money or a car. There is no electrcity to half the house. It's snowing again. We already have a couple of feet of snow on the ground. I know things will all work out in the end. They always do. I'm trying to be upbeat. I'm trying to feel the Christmas spirit. I'm not depressed like I was. I am feeling better. Still not 100% but better. I stopped listing things on eBay for now. It was just becoming more trouble than it was worth. I'm taking a break from it until after the holidays.

Thank you for letting me vent. I have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of worries. I'll probably sleep half the day away again. I may attempt to get some gift wrapping done in my bedroom today. My Christmas cards are all written and ready to go, I just need a few more stamps. I did that yesterday. I've already received 4 cards. I like to send mine a little later than this. So they'll probably sit there for another week or so before I send them.

K, I'm done. Time to start my day. I've been up for hours. I don't know where to start. Everyone else is still sleeping. Except Mr. Man who's been at work for hours. Thanks again for listening to me complain. Have a great day.

Worries

We got a dumping of snow yesterday. It was quite the snowfall, the roads were bad. It's been snowing some just about every day. But yesterday was a lot. We went to the reserve for smokes, came back home and then had to head down to Brampton to meet friends at a bar down there. Driving in it was brutal. We had a great time at the bar. We went there to see the band but I was a little disappointed. They didn't play the same type of music I had seen them play before, it was a different crowd. We'll be going back to the same place next weekend for the company Christmas party. It'll be a different band and I'm sure we'll have a good time.

Litte R is sick. Her throat was so sore we took her to the after hours clinic, but it was closed. So then we went to the Orangeville Hospital, we got all checked in then they told us it would be a 3-4 hour wait and Little R didn't want to wait, so we left. There was a sign on the door at the after hours clinic that said it would be open the next day so Mr. Man took her back the following night and it was closed again. From there he took her all the way back to the Fergus Hospital. She was really sick. They were there for a few hours and it's just a virus, nothing to do but let it run it's course. They gave her a prescription for some stuff that numbs her throat. That's it. She's still sick but feeling better than she was.

On Thursday Mr. Man and I went to see a play at the Orangeville Theatre. We saw A Christmas Carol. It was very good, we both thouroughly enjoyed it. It was our first time at the Orangeville Theatre, it's very small and quaint. The best part is I got the tickets from Freecycle. That was about the best Freecycle score yet.

On Friday I ended up getting SW to drive me to the Fergus Hospital. Suffice it to say I was having excruciating, unbearable menstral cramps from hell. I couldn't stand the pain. The hospital was very busy so I was there for several hours. When I finally saw a doctor she did a pelvic exam and told me my cervix looks abnormal. So I have to get an appointment with the specialist who did my biopsies before. Gawd I hope it's not cancer. They gave me a prescription for pills that are supposed to help with the pain. The pain did eventually stop Friday night. I've been having some minor cramping today, but it's nothing compared to Friday. Here I went 8 months without a cycle and the doctor told me once I go 12 months I'm in menopause. I was kind of looking forward to that. Then it started up again. So now I can worry about cancer all over again. Seems to me it was the same time of year I went through this before.

Christmas is really sneaking up on me. I'm only about half done my shopping. It would be so much easier if I knew what I want to get for people. I've got a couple of ideas. I just need the money and a ride into town. It's time to pay the mortgage so money is tight right now. I knew I should have shopped earlier. I have a feeling this is going to be a disappointing Christmas for this family. We've been meaning to tone it down the last couple of years, but we always end up going overboard. Looks like this year really will be toned down. I've been doing all kinds of things, socializing trying to get that Christmas spirit and it just eludes me. I'm not trying to force it. I'm just hoping it will happen. But now I'm worried about time and money. I'm worried about all of our health. I'm worried about T finding a job. It's all sucking the spirit out of me. I want to think about having a fun, old fashioned, family Christmas.

We've been blowing fuses like crazy all of a sudden. Today it's the livingroom that's out. Oh and the Christmas lights outside on the front of the house. It's been a different room every time. I suppose it could have something to do with all the new heaters. I don't know. But what a pain in the ass. Something else stressing me out.

I just want to feel that happy joy I used to feel. It gets harder every year I think. I just don't know what it will take to feel that way again. I mean I used to feel it even when I was worried about stuff. We'll see, it may come to me yet.

Mr.Man thinks he may have had a mild heart attack a couple of weekends ago. I'm very worried about him. The poor guy gets no rest. He is at a high risk for having a heart attack. He said if it happens again he will go to the hospital. I'm just worried that he may not be so lucky a second time. More to worry about.

We also had to do some major repairs to the car which cost an arm and a leg. Bad timing for that expense. Really getting worried about money for Christmas.

So we've been busy and there's plenty to worry about. But we're generally happy. Have a great day.