Do You Think Food Might Elevate My Mood?

I went to bed super early last night so of course I was awake super early this morning. Like 3:30 a.m early. I tried to go back to sleep but not a chance. So I got up, made a coffee and came down to the computer. I started going through my photos, thinking this would be a good time to continue adding pictures to the photo album on my personal website. There was a particular picture I had in mind. Do you think I could find it? I have hundreds of photos on this computer. They are somewhat disorganized. Mostly they are stored by the date that they were loaded onto the computer. But at some point I had tried to organize them. Ha! All I managed to do was make a mess of it. Also there are some that are on the other, older computer. I thought I had transferred them all but maybe not. So I've just spent an hour trying to locate one lousy picture, with no luck. I have a feeling I posted it here on the blog though, at the time it was taken. I may have to scan through my archives, just to satisfy my compulsive desire to find the damn thing. Unreal. It's funny how looking at photos conjures up feelings. I can look at a picture and remember how I felt at the time it was taken. I can remember the day and what was going on and who was there and all of that. But without the photo I may not remember it at all. I have a feeling I'm going to obsess all morning until I find that picture, ugh.

Yesterday was a mixed day. I felt the usual depressed and lonely, but I really tried not to feel that way. I had Little R here with me all day, which is different. I hardly see her lately with her job at the fry wagon and the 4-H, and when she's not doing that she's out with her friends. I felt overwhelmed with the house. I felt isolated with no wheels. I felt highly emotional with PMS. But I did do a little puttering, baby steps. I couldn't cut the grass because there's no gas in the lawnmower and I have no way of going to get gas. I couldn't do laundry because there's something wrong with the dryer and I don't need a dryer fire. We had one of those with our last dryer, no thanks. I was limited in what I could do, even though I finally felt like doing something. At one point I let the dogs out back and Edwad immediately bolted. Usually I carry him out and hook him up to the tether, but once in a while I just let him walk out on his own and usually he'll come to me without incident. Well he bolted, and he wouldn't come to me. Eventually he found his way out to the main road. He was very lucky he didn't get hit or run over. I ended up standing at the back of the yard shaking a box of dog cookies to get his attention and to get him to come to me. It worked. He won't be getting the chance to do that again. He'll be carried out or on a leash.

All in all in was a weird, crappy day. I did however cook dinner which I haven't done in ages. For months its been fend for yourself or eating out or Mr. Man cooks. I don't like cooking at the best of times, so you can imagine when I'm in a funky depression. My poor starving family. I honestly think that's part of my problem, not eating right. I basically live on potato chips, microwave popcorn and fruit (and coffee and cigarettes). Now that I've said it out loud, it's time to address the situation. I need to start taking care of myself as in eating properly. I'll probably feel a lot better for it. Duh. Some days I'll eat nothing at all, basically. The last couple of days I've been forcing myself to eat something, even if its just a peanut butter and jam sandwich. But I have noticed I do feel a little better when I eat something. In an effort to feel better I promise to start eating better.

Thank God it's Friday. This has felt like a really long week. Little R has a 4-H show today. I just had a panic about her whites. I haven't washed them (because of the dryer), I hadn't really thought about it. I missed this show last year because a) I just had all my back teeth pulled and b) I had bronchitis. I don't know why they insist on having it on a Friday, many parents work, some parents don't have cars, why can't they just do it Saturday or Sunday like everyone else? So I just woke her up to locate her whites and it turns out she cleaned them herself (which may explain why theres suddenly something wrong with my dryer!)...end of panic. This is the last long weekend until Thanksgiving, ugh. So many plans and so little time.

Here's a couple of pictures of a hummingbird, the best I could do...

Have a lovely day. I'll be busy hunting down a lousy photograph.

My Computer, My Best Friend

How rude to find I had no internet last night. Apparently we missed a payment, ugh. As soon as that gets straightened out I'll post this entry. It's weird how much I count on the internet. How lost I feel without it. I don't even do much on it any more. I hardly get any email any more. But to not have it is like not having a phone or not having tv. I've spent the past 10 years sitting in front of the computer. It has become my life, my lifeline. To me that is sad. Its kinda hard to believe. It has become my best friend. Yes I've learned how to do a lot of things on it. But I still have a lot to learn. Yes I use it to communicate, but that has dwindled, many people still use phones. Yes its useful for finding out information, but isn't used for that daily. Its more like an addiction, a habit. I take my morning coffee down to the computer, every single day. Depending on my plans for the day, I may spend the entire day sitting there if I have nowhere else to go or nothing else to do. Which happens to be the case a lot of the time. Recently I decided I wanted to get away from the computer more. When I realized it had been 10 years straight that I had pretty much done nothing else, I was stunned. Ten years of my life. And for what? What do I have to show for it? Not much.
So I finally got re-connected and am able to post this.

I don't know. I've been in a deep depression lately. More than just a funk. I'm not functioning. I think I need to drag myself away from the computer. I need to focus. I need to focus on the things I want to accomplish around the house. I'm still very upset about Big R moving to another province. I understand why she wants to go and I don't blame her. Somehow understanding it isn't making it any easier to accept. I'm frightened and confused about my cervical cancer situation. I have another biopsy to look forward to in a week. I'm worried about Big R, seems she may have cancer on her thyroid. She's still being tested. I'm concerned and worried about Mr. Mans work situation. This new job doesn't pay nearly as much as his old job did. There was mention of hiring him permanently. It started out as a temporary thing. After mentioning keeping him on full time permanent which also means benefits and more money, there hasn't been any more mention of it. I'm waiting on pins and needles. There is so much uncertainty going on in our life. I guess I don't deal with uncertainty well.
I know its also the time of year. The end of summer always bums me out somewhat. Little R going back to school, it makes me feel lonely when she goes back to school. And theres the dreaded back to school shopping. We'll be busy on weekends with the 4-H shows. Then comes my birthday and Thanksgiving. They usually fall on the same weekend. Getting older isn't fun. And its become a depressing time because of the lack of family. I want big family Thanksgiving dinners. With Big R gone its going to be even worse. Its pretty silly cooking a big turkey dinner for 3 people. None of my remaining family is receptive to coming up for dinner and they don't invite us to theirs. Its depressing.
Then comes Halloween. Little R is too old to go out trick or treating this year. So the whole thing of getting her a costume together isn't happening. It just seems like no big deal now. So we'll buy some candy to hand out and maybe decorate a bit, but not the big deal it used to be. Depressing.

I am dreading this winter.

So I'm not sure what I can change to make myself feel better. To pull out of this funk/depression. I can try to keep busy with the house, but as long as I have my good friend the computer here, what are the chances? I used to love this time of year. Now, not so much.

One bright light is the hummingbirds. They are very active this time of year. I'll have to fill my feeders again soon. Probably for the last time of the season. I haven't been able to get any good photos. I'll keep trying though. Sometimes there is 4 or 5 birds buzzing around one feeder. They are very active, rampant and vocal. But when I'm outside with the dogs, Eddie scares the birds away. I have to go out without the dogs if I hope to get pictures.

So yeah, though I don't have anything to be unhappy about, I have plenty to worry about. I am paralyzing myself with worry. One thing I've started doing is forcing myself to at least get dressed every day. Its a baby step. No more staying in my jammies all day. I've been trying to get the dogs out for a good walk each day also. I'm confident things will change. Its just this funk seems to be lasting longer than usual.

Saturday morning we went to the Farmers Market in town. That was the first time in the 4 years we've lived here. The aromas were just delicious. And there was live music. It was definately somewhere I'd like to go back to. I bought a lily plant and a skirt. We bought a belt for Little R but apparently its too small. Hoping to be able to exchange it this coming weekend.

This coming weekend is the Trike-In down the road. We are also invited to a pig roast nextdoor with the new people. Its going to be a busy weekend I think.
Have a great day. I gotta go surf the net while I can lol.

Bar Pictures

Got the pictures. They're not very clear but you get the gist. Heres me and S.W on the dance floor lol...






Heres me with my foam horn hat...






Heres D.W and Mr. Man doing their doorman imitations...

And heres me smoochin with D.W lol...

A great time was had by all. I really don't get out enough.

Hungover And Hurting

Saturday was the Palmerston Fall Fair. It wasn't much of a fair, no midway or anything, however they did have helicopter rides again. Little R didn't win, she didn't do badly, she just didn't win. I think her calf this year, Lia, is more fiesty than Gem was last year. I'm sure once she gets back into the swing of things and spends more time with Lia they will do better in the shows.

On the way home from there we stopped at a garage sale. This time we actually scored something useful. We got 7 brand new vent covers for $10. We need them around the house. We got a bucket full of decorative brass door handles, socket and light switch covers. We also got a 3000 piece jigsaw puzzle. We used to do puzzles, its a relaxing pastime. I've never done one that big before. Who knows if we'll ever actually tackle it.

Saturday night we were off to the country bar. It was a large place, with multiple levels and a huge patio, great for us smokers. When we got there it was pretty much empty. I got to watch people doing that line dancing that country mucic people do, interesting, it looked like fun actually. Our friends kept telling us the place would get busy and sure enough within an hour it was jam packed. Quite amazing. We played a few games of pool. I couldn't make a shot to save my life. Then we migrated out to the patio where we spent the rest of the night. The band was unremarkable, but since I'm not a country music fan I wasn't paying much attention to the band. S.W dragged me out to the dance floor at one point, which would explain why I felt so battered on Sunday lol. Had some fun teasing and tormenting the "doormen". Mr. Man used to be a doorman, thats how we met. We all had a good time. We had a blast. I came home with a yellow rose and a foam horn hat. Then I fell out of the truck, ouch.

Sunday I was pretty shakey and hungover. Haven't felt like that in years. Mr. Man went off to help D.W put up an overhang on a very high roof. I felt so shakey and hung, and I started worrying about him up on that roof, I worried myself into a panic attack. Thank goodness I have Lorazepam. But thats why I have it. A few years ago I started having anxiety/panic attacks out of the blue, for no reason. Its quite scarey when its happening. I was very relieved when Mr. Man came home safe and sound. But it took quite a while to shake the panic feeling, even with the Lorazepam. We went out for brunch, eating helped a little. When we came back home Mr. Man went for a nap and I attempted to type a blog entry. We were invited over for a barbecue but Mr. Man didn't feel up to going so Little R and I went without him. I felt bad because they went to the trouble for us, he's the big eater in the family. I'm still waiting to receive the photos S.W took at the bar on her cell phone, ugh.

Have a great day.

A New Appreciation

I'm feeling a little bit hungover this morning. Nothing too serious, just a little shakey and achey. Somehow Mr. Man convinced me to go over to D.Ws with him last night. There was going to be some drinking while they worked on the truck. Not much work was accomplished at all, but quite a bit of drinking happened. I took a couple of pictures of the truck and apparently D.W has taken some also. I won't bother posting any until the job is finished. There aren't really any "before" pictures with all the rust, holes in the body and peeling paint. We didn't think to start taking photos until after most of the paint had already been stripped off. Oh well. It's coming along, won't be ready as soon as they first thought, but that's to be expected I think.

After a few drinks, Mr. Man and I started reminicsing about the truck. We've had it for a long time and it's been through a lot. Remembering old times with the truck turned into just remembering old times period. The bad old days. For the first few years of our relationship things were pretty tumultuous. I had put most of it out of my mind completely. It was strange to recall and look back on some of the crap we went through. Our friends are currently going through a rough patch in their relationship. I think part of it was, "if we could survive that, then you guys can survive this." I think this may have been just the ticket to pull me out of my funk too. When I think about where we used to be and where we are now, we've come a long way. Things could be so much worse. We are much happier now than we were back in the day. We have both grown and grown up tremendously. I came home with kind of a new appreciation. When I think about it, really I have no reason to be sad or down. I am basically living my dream. So what's the problem? I have a man who is honest, hardworking and loves me. Oh and handsome, lets not forget he's handsome too! I can trust him and count on him. I have a home of my own in the country. I have a Harley in the garage. That's pretty much my dream. The life I want. We arrived here from very rough and humble beginnings. What's there to be unhappy about? I'm thinking last night helped to pull me out of this slump. Or maybe I still have a buzz on and things will go back to normal later in the day lol. But I don't think so. Last night I thought about things I haven't thought of in years. I remembered how bad life used to be at times. It made me realize how good I have it now. And how happy I really should be. It wasn't so long ago that I was outwardly happy. So, I'm going to do my best to get back on my feet, shake it off, and get on with life. No more funk.

We were up pretty damn early today as Little R has a show to do and she had to be at the farm at 6 a.m. We'll catch up with her later at the fair. There I was cleaning her whites last night when we got home after midnight. She got pretty damn soiled at the last show. And then didn't give me her whites to clean until yesterday. Ugh.

And I believe tonight we are going to some country bar for some drinking, dancing and pool. Yeehaw! There will be a band, a country band. Mr. Man likes country music. I can deal with it for one evening. I just want to get out. And I enjoy shooting pool.
I'm off to start my day, got tons of laundry to do. Have a great day!

Bear Meets A Porcupine

This morning I let the boys out as usual, hooked Eddie up to his tether and watched Bear romp around the yard. (Eddie can romp on his tether just fine lol). I noticed Bear bolt towards the back of the yard like he was chasing something. Then he was obsessing at the fence over something in the next yard. I figured he had just chased something away into the next yard, thought nothing of it. When I finally called him back in is when I saw the snout full of porcupine quills! Ok, it wasn't full, it was just a few, but enough to send me into a panic. I've never experienced this before, I didn't quite know what to do. I thought you weren't supposed to pull them out, that you had to take them to the vet. It didn't seem to be bothering him too much. So I called Mr. Man at work. He wasn't there yet. I waited for him to return my call, it was only a few minutes. I basically had to beg him to come home to deal with this. I was just panicking. He agreed to come home, I didn't really have to beg. Meanwhile I had looked it up online, removing porcupine quills from a dog. Turns out, you can just pull them out. So Mr. Man came in, pliers in hand, and set to it. Having them removed bothered Bear more than having them in there in the first place. I had to cover his eyes with my hands for the last couple, because he wouldn't sit still as soon as he saw the pliers coming. The very last one Mr. Man just plucked out with his fingers. Then he was off back to work. Bear seems fine. So I probably could have pulled them out myself after all. But I'm a big wimp when it comes to anything like that. Alls well that ends well. Hopefully Bear did scare it off and it isn't lurking in the back yard waiting for another round. So that was the excitement for today.
Little R has gone to a 2 day 4-H event. She'll be showing her calf tomorrow. Unfortunately we won't be able to attend. We will however attend the show this Saturday.
Have a great day.

Changes

Still nothing new going on. Still down in the dumps like never before. Still upset about Big R moving away. I hope we will at least get to see her before she leaves. We went to town a couple of times over the weekend. Grocery shopping, etc. I knew in the back of my mind that Little R was going to need new whites for 4-H, so just spur of the moment, I said, lets go into Marks Work Warehouse. It was amazingly easy! They had white jeans and they were on sale. So we grabbed a pair, hoping they would fit her. They do fit and they were only $20! If only all things in life were so easy. I was also surprised at the selection of clothes in there. I thought it was all work clothes and I guess it is all casual wear, but they had some cool stuff. And decent prices.

Mr. Man finally started working on the truck. When he was given the work truck we took our truck off the road. We just didn't need it. It sat for about 3 years. Now that he no longer has a work truck and we are down to one vehicle on the road (which is driving me insane and contributing to my depression I'm sure), we figured its time to get the old truck on the road again. He took it over to D.Ws garage to do some body work on it. So hopefully by next week it will be back on the road and I can have my car back. When we got home from D.Ws, and this just shows how bummed I am, I happened to look in a mirror and was dismayed to see that my hair was a complete mess. It was in a ponytail/knot and slept on, I hadn't touched it yet, and Mr. Man let me go out in public like that! Thanks Honey.

I just had my weekly race with the garbage man. I just thought of it, ran upstairs and got dressed and was just getting to the curb with 2 bags when he pulled up, ugh. So I didn't get the recycling out this week, but its ok there isn't a lot.

Little R will be going to show her calf this week. But because its during the week, we won't be going. The first weekend show is next weekend, we'll go to that one. Hard to believe its this time of year again already. The summer flew by. Back to school in 2 weeks. This will be a big change for Little R. For one thing her bus will come an hour earlier, meaning she'll have to get up much earlier. And its off to the big high school in town. What a difference for her. Again I think this is contributing to my depression. She won't be just down the road any more, she'll be in town. High school is a whole new ballgame. It's going to be tough on her, I know it. We got very comfortable in her little country school down the road. It was the best school either of my daughters attended ever. And now its over. A whole new ballgame is about to begin.

So that's it. Have a lovely day. I'm gonna try to get off my ass and get something done around here.

Family

Of course I'm back. This is just too therapeutic to stay away. Though it was a very shitty ending to a very shitty summer, life must go on. I read a few excerpts from "Chicken Soup for the Mothers Soul" last night. It seems no matter what, we love our children. I love my daughter, that's why I want her in my life. It seems no matter how much she hurts me I always still love her. As sad and as hopeless as I feel now, I know it will get better with time. I'm sure I'll have moments that are harder than others, but I will get by. I have to. I have another daughter to think about. But boy do I feel like a sack of crap this morning. My eyes are swollen almost shut. I sure didn't sleep well. I tried reading between crying jags. At one point I fell asleep with the light on, sitting up. My back is aching this morning.

I don't think I can ever expect a normal loving relationship with Big R. So maybe that's a place to start, stop expecting it or hoping for it. If being far far away from me will make her happy, then good, so be it, because I want her to be happy. Its a shame for Little R though because besides me and Mr. Man thats the only family she has. And though they are 10 years apart I had hoped they could be close sisters. There's an even bigger gap between me and my sisters and we are not close. I tried for years to develop relationships with them, all for naught. They just aren't interested. They truly don't care about me. I'm not sure how that can happen, but it did. I wanted something different, something better, for my daughters.

It really sucks having no family. So those of you who do have it, take care of it, hang onto it.

Hopeless And Heartbroken

It all started with a simple question, "How would you feel about me moving to PEI in say..a month?"

The way I would feel about that is hurt, angry, disappointed and heartbroken. She didn't like my answer.

What she doesn't seem to understand is, by her moving that far away, it removes all my hope. It takes away the hope of ever healing and having a happy healthy relationship with her. Which by the way is all I've wanted for years. Now there's no hope of that happening. I feel like I've lost my daughter. I have lost my daughter. Obviously I'm not too happy about that. But up until this, I at least had hope.

She has a very twisted view of me and of our relationship and of her childhood. She had help there. She was brainwashed from a very young age to believe I was doing her wrong. As an adult, she believes it. Nothing I say or do will change her mind. She has it in her mind that I did her wrong. That's it.

This is a dark day for me. I have let her go. I can't take the hurt any more. I can't defend myself any more. I can't fight with her any more. I don't even know what we're fighting about. I don't even know what I'm defending myself against any more. None of it makes sense. I just can't take it any more. I have cut her off. I've deleted her from my Facebook. I've blocked her email. I've blocked her on messenger. She can't reach me by phone. She wouldn't bother writing a snail mail letter. Hell she doesn't even send birthday or Mothers Day cards, never mind letters.

I have to imagine my future without her in it. It's so hard. It's so painful. I lost my mother too soon and now I'm losing my daughter too. I can't take her hate. Her games. Her bullshit. Her twisted views. Her constant accusations.

This has not been normal mother/daughter stuff. Mr. Man is always telling me, it's a phase, or she'll come around, or she'll grow up. He keeps giving me false hope. I can't let him do that any more. There is no hope. I'm out of hope. It's hopeless.

I am so sad. I am heartbroken. I don't know when or if I'll be back here.

Yet Another Baby Bird

Yesterday Little R went to a birthday party that consisted of them going up to Wasaga Beach for the day and then camping out in tents in the backyard overnight. Wasaga Beach is the longest fresh water beach in Canada, or something like that. So she popped in briefly when they got back from the beach and then headed off to sleep in a tent. What did we do with the freedom? Why we went to bed early of course. And its not what you're thinking, we went right to sleep. So sad.

When Mr. Man got home from work we sat outside with our coffee for a while. The first thing I noticed was a robin squawking incessantly. I thought is it mad because the boys killed its baby yesterday? And then I noticed, behind Mr. Man, sitting on the back of a bench, was yet another baby robin. Aaaahhhhh, thats why this bird is having a bird. So we took pictures of it. And watched it hop from the bench to the barbecue and then the side shelf of the barbecue. Eventually it tried to fly. It didn't make it very far, it landed right behind the propane tank. Guess who was just on the other side of that tank? Eddie of course. He was tethered but he could reach the other side of the tank. So I asked Mr. Man to put him inside before he got a chance at the bird. Bear is fine, he won't bother with it, and he's not tethered because he's good like that. The only reason he went after it the day before was because Eddie was. So Mr. Man put Eddie in the house and we watched the baby bird hop over a wood pile and along the fence until we lost sight of him and the mama bird stopped squawking. So thats 3 baby birds in my yard in a couple of weeks. I thought they do this in the spring, not near the end of the summer. Have babies I mean. They must have nests in both our big trees, since I found one out front and 2 out back.

So heres pictures...





I finally heard back from Big R. That girl is just full of resentment. She doesn't seem to feel any connection to me or her sister. I've tried and tried talking to her. All I get is her resentment. She takes everything I say wrongly. Is this something all kids go through? I always thought when she grew up she would understand and appreciate things. But the older she gets the worse it gets. Mr. Man wanted it known that he would miss her also. He was unable to reach her when he phoned her, seems her voicemail was full. So I still don't know if she's coming up here this weekend or not, but I have a feeling its not. Since shes been old enough to be resentful, thats how shes been. This started a long time ago. I divorced her father when she was young and Mr. Man has been around ever since. Her father remarried before I did. And he moved to another province, back where he came from. She has always gone down there for visits. In the beginning I had to force her father to be her father. He would have been happy to just run away from it all. So shes always had a spare set of parents to go to and to compare to. I never thought the day would come that she would choose to live down there. Her father made it very difficult for me when she was little. The child support he was forced to pay was a token, it was nothing. I took whatever he said he could afford, I didn't go for the maximum, because my goal was not to make his life hard. And this is what I get in the end. All my grief and struggle to raise that kid on my own, got me nowhere. I have my own resentments now. The whole thing is just sad. I hope she'll be happy in her new home.

Shock, Dead Birds And Stargazer Lilies

I think I'm in shock. The way I am feeling, that's the only thing that seems to fit. I am in shock.

My daughter comments on my blog to tell me she is moving away to another province. It was my understanding that she was coming up here for a visit this weekend, why couldn't she tell me then? Why tell me the way she did? For the shock value? If so, it worked. She has since ignored all emails and phone calls.

I feel like I may never see my daughter again, and it is heartbreaking. I don't know when she became so mean and thoughtless and selfish. But she did obviously. I am left unable to function. Last night every time I fell asleep I soon woke up crying and sobbing. I've been unable to do anything today. I can't even force myself to get dressed. The one thing I did do was go outside for some warmth and took pictures of flowers, in my robe, in the middle of the day. What must the neighbours think? LOL Not that I give a damn. I can't eat, my stomach is very upset. I can't sleep. I feel chilled like I have a fever. I feel incredibly sad. I feel incredibly alone. I know I'm not alone, but I feel alone. I am just in shock.

Yesterday was traumatic. The boys, my darling little boys, killed a baby robin. The poor thing. It was flopping around on the ground and Eddie went after it. He wouldn't leave it alone and I couldn't get him away from it. Finally he picked it up in his mouth and I think that did it in. Once I got him to drop it, Bear decided to get in on the action and he picked it up too. For sure it was dead after that. Bear sees Eddie get away with so much so he tries doing it too. Like jumping up on me, like picking up baby birds, like climbing on the couch like some kind of cat. I think the new kids, little kids, next door witnessed the killing because they were out there screaming and crying throughout the whole ordeal. I wonder if its the same bird I found a couple of weeks ago. Well he's out of his misery now.

This has really given me second thoughts on keeping Eddie. If I can find him a good home to go to, he's out of here.

Speaking of birds, I notice there is an article in one of the local papers about those Osprey birds down the road. We haven't been by lately to see them. I haven't read the article, so not sure what its about. I did catch that they are banding the birds, I guess the new babies.

And now on to my pictures. These are I believe Stargazer Lilies. Don't really remember planting them. This is the first year they've bloomed.





I vaguely recall buying them, but don't remember planting them there. I am so upset about my daughter I can't think straight anyways. I have no idea if she will be coming up this weekend or not. I just feel that I may never see her again. You know how it feels when someone dies and you know you'll never see them again? It's like that kind of feeling. We have so little family left. That may be one of the attractions for her moving where she has tons of family on her fathers side. But where does that leave us? With one less family member in an already depleted family. It's so sad that we just started speaking again after the fiasco of last Christmas. I will miss her terribly and so will her little sister.

Ah well, have a good day y'all.

In Response To Mopsa

Well Mopsa we have often joked about getting a sheep. We even asked a town councillor about it. But because we live in a subdivision we are not allowed to have farm animals. I could have birds like geese or roosters or chickens but would have to protect them from coyotes. And the feed is costly and you have to feed them just the right amount. I wouldn't know the first thing about feeding a sheep. That would also mean we would need a fence for sure. It just seems easier to move.
I've honestly had just about enough of this country living. We're in the country, surrounded by farm fields. However we are in a subdivision of approximately 30 homes (and that was for the "security of neighbours") so we don't have the freedom we would have liked. Yes we can have huge bonfires. In many ways it is more relaxed than in the city. But I am a city girl afterall and do miss some things about it. I'm thinking of moving to town, not neccesarily back to the big city. Just a small town.
I don't know, lately I'm feeling old. Escpecially when out cutting the grass. I just don't have the energy I once had. Or the stamina. I know I feel older than I should. I know I don't take care of myself. Cutting the grass with the push mower was supposed to be a step towards getting in better shape. We do have a ride on mower, but it doesn't do the corners and edges and small areas. I think the push mower does a much nicer job. So it was I who insisted on doing the mowing myself with the push mower.
The other day Mr. Man in fact said I was sounding more like a man all the time when talking about mowing the lawn. He said by this time next year I'll be saying the hell with it, pave the whole thing over. LOL
The truth is its not about the grass at all. Its not about the size of the yard. Its about me. I feel like crap. I don't want to do anything. I'm miserable and depressed. I feel bad emotionally, mentally and physically. When I get like this I withdraw. I don't do anything. I don't cook. I don't clean. I don't parent. I read, sleep and play on the computer, thats it. My big outing would be to take the dogs for a walk or going out to get the mail. Which all serves to make me feel guilty on top of how miserable I already feel. On the bright side I know in my heart it won't last forever. I will pull out of it. Even if its just long enough to get the house cleaned up and the grass cut.
Besides I don't know how the dogs would react to a sheep or geese in their yard. Probably not favourably.
Have a great day.

Too Much Grass

Well I was cutting the grass yesterday and I was doing it in sections. I'd do a section then take a break, then do another section and so on. It was just too dam hot. Finally I said screw this I'm waiting for the sun to go down a bit. Well I ended up laying down for a nap with Mr. Man and we didn't wake up until almost 8 p.m. After a little dinner I went back out. It was getting dark but I could still see enough. Then I ran out of gas. Well it wasn't light enough to put the gas in so I just left it, figuring I'll finish it in the morning before it gets too hot. Well didn't it rain all day today. So the back lawn looks ridiculous, half mowed.
I am more and more seriously thinking about moving. To a place with a smaller yard. Its not like we really use the yard for anything. I guess we envisioned having big biker bashes and whatnot, but we haven't. We have no use for all this yard. It is such a chore keeping it mowed. What a pain. It kinda sucks having all this space and no family or anyone who comes to visit. Things just haven't worked out the way we thought they might. We really have no need for all this space. So I think I'd like to move back to a smaller place. With a smaller yard. It isn't going to get easier. With getting older it will get harder. Sigh.