A Quick Poem and Happy Halloween!

I'll never forget
The day that we met
When you jumped off that truck
I thought, oh man,
Just my luck.
I wasn't expecting
Someone quite so large
I worried you'd move in
and just take charge.
But you were friendly, loving
Playful and smart
From that moment on
You had stolen my heart.
Over 5 years,
Our love just grew,
It was unconditional
pure and true.
You were my constant companion,
Always at my side
You enhanced my life
In you I had pride.
You were such a good boy
Pretty well trained
I hated to ever
see you chained.
We had good times
shared lots of love
I hope you are happy
in fields up above.
The end came too fast
But it was best for you
You were suffering my friend
I had to let you go.
Now you are free
To suffer no more
Losing you hurt me
Right to the core.
I will love you forever
My faithful, furry friend
I will see you again some day
This is not the end.

I just wanted to write a poem to him. I did this quite quickly. It could use some tweaking. The ending could be better. But I tried.

I'm doing better. It's getting easier to deal with. Thank God I have friends who let me talk about it and let me grieve. SW (I guess that's really SL now lol) and D you have been a big help to me in my time of needing you. Thank you.

So I may just leave it as it is. As I say it was done very quickly. Or I may try to do a better one later.

The intense pain is subsiding. I still miss him, but it's getting easier. We did the right thing. It was just his time. He had a good life with us. And we had a good life with him. I know I said I wouldn't post about him any more, oh well, guess I lied. I can't help it. He was a big part of my life.

A poet I am not lol. I received a poem in email, from someone on Freecycle no less! I posted it on Facebook. I just wanted to try my hand at it myself. Well thanks for reading. Comments are always appreciated.

Today is Halloween and I woke up at 3 a.m. Sigh. The lobby is all decorated. I noticed none of the houses on my street are decorated, what's up with that? Maybe they'll do it today. Not carving any pumpkins, not decorating, not dressing up, not dressing the dog up, not handing out candy, I really feel like I'm missing out. We're going to that party, which is a million miles away, and that will be fun. I think we'll pop over to Dollarama and see if they have anything left. We can at least do up our faces and wear hats or something.

So Happy Halloween!! Have a fun and safe time. Have a great day.

2009, The Year Of Loss

I can't wait to see the end of 2009. This has really been the year of loss. My most recent loss was my Geocities website. Yahoo for whatever reason decided to shut down Geocities. I built that site years ago, I don't even know how many years, but a long time. I thought to snag all the pictures off of it before it disappeared, but it was only yesterday that I thought to go into the files and snag pictures out of there that weren't posted on the site. That's when I found the site is gone. I knew it was coming, they sent me an email warning that the shut down was coming. Still it hit me when it really happened. I don't know if I'll ever build another site, probably though. It was fun to do. But when I think of all the time and energy I put into it, I really feel the loss. And it's just something that's been there, a part of my life, for a very long time, now gone. I sort of thought it would be there forever. So when the mood strikes me I'll be looking for another free website host. There is really no reason for me to have a website, other than it's something to do and I can. It was a fun, learning process. I was quite proud of myself for learning all that I did.

This year I also lost my sister, my niece, my house, my dog and a hell of a lot of possessions. I'm really feeling it today because of finding my site gone yesterday and the super has started decorating the lobby for Halloween today. I keep thinking of all the Halloween stuff I gave away. I was complaining about it to Mr. Man last night and he said "yup, it was 20 years worth of accumulation of stuff, but we'll just have to spend the next 20 years accumulating more stuff." Well Honey, I look forward to it. I will start by browsing the sales of Halloween stuff on November 1st. Yeah money is not plentiful lately.

The last couple of years I was really looking forward to the end of the year and feeling optimistic for the new year. Once again I am looking forward to a new year and I am still optimistic. Even though I've lost so much, and really am depressed, I feel strangely hopeful.

This will be the first year in decades that we won't have a jackolantern. This will be the first year in decades that we won't have a real Christmas tree. (We're not allowed to have a real tree here.) This Christmas is going to be different than what we're used to. But we will adapt. You just have to live with it and accept the changes that you can't do anything about.

Oddly enough, despite my depression, I feel hopeful and optimistic and do look forward to the future. I look forward to moving again next year once our lease is up. I look forward to life as empty nesters. Little R is pretty much self sufficient and with the dog gone we have a lot more freedom. I look forward to accumulating new "stuff". I look forward to trying new things. Once again I have to say, things will be ok.

Things Are Going To Be Ok

It's 2 o clock in the morning. I laid down around 7 p.m to read, fell asleep and woke up at 11:30. I'm not sleepy any more. There is not much to do at 2 a.m. There isn't much on tv either. I took my night time meds but they're not making me sleepy.

The last couple of days have been long and boring. I've been very lazy. I don't have Bear getting me out and about in the morning. I'm back to lounging around in my jammies all day. It's not healthy. I need to find the strength to change it. I need to get dressed each day and get outside.

I just stepped out on the balcony. I needed air. Lately I've started having hot flashes. They are quite frequent, several a day. Another joy of menopause. Anyway, it's raining. It really smells like autumn out there now. I'm a little surprised we haven't had any snow yet. I'm disappointed with the fall colours this year. It may have something to do with the cold wet summer. There is no red. It's all yellow. I went with Mr. Man to the Reserve for smokes the other day and I brought my camera hoping to get some nice fall colour shots. I got a few good pictures but it was a disappointment. That was nice spending the day driving with Mr. Man. It was a beautiful day for a drive. We stopped for lunch. It was nice.

I'm now able to go longer times without thinking of Bear. It's getting easier. With time he'll just be a lot of great memories. I want to thank everyone for your kind words and understanding. I needed that and it really helped.

Next weekend is Halloween. It's great that it's on a Saturday this year. All I know about what they do here is the tenants donate candy to be handed out in the lobby. I don't know if the supers dress up or if they decorate the lobby or what. We are going to a party. This is the 14th annual Halloween party, we've been a couple of times. It's very far from home. Sadly I gave away all of our Halloween stuff including costumes. I'm kicking myself for that now. We had boxes and boxes of stuff, I just didn't know where we would put it. But we should have kept the costumes, they could be hung in a closet. I'll be going to the after sales again this year to find costumes for next year.

I'm fighting the depression. I'm trying to keep busy. I'm accepting that which I cannot change. I've been doing a lot of reading which keeps my mind occupied. Things are going to be ok. :-)

One Last Post About Strumby, Mama's Guy

Sadly our computer has crashed a couple of times and we've lost A LOT of pictures. I did save some to disk but now my computer won't read them. So, I'm short on pictures. I posted what I have on Facebook, so I'll never lose them.

It's getting easier. I didn't cry quite so much yesterday, just a few times. So far today I haven't cried. But I'll tell you, I wake up in the morning thinking about him and I go to sleep at night thinking about him.

He really was my reason to get up each day. Since we moved to the apartment in town I had to actually get dressed and take him out first thing each morning. He got me going every day. I had to stay dressed to take him out. No more lounging around in my jammies all day. That's what I used to do at the house in paradise, because I could just open the back door and let him out, I didn't need to be dressed.

He was my constant companion. He was with me all day every day. Even when we went out he came with us more often than not. He followed me around the house all day. If I left the room he was right behind me. When I laid down in bed he was right there beside me. We hugged and kissed and snuggled every single day.

It's a little hard to believe, even I don't believe just how damn much I loved that dog. I knew I would lose it when we lost him. But I didn't realize how intense it would be. We thought we would have him for a couple more years anyway. I knew he was getting old, but I had no idea it was this close. It was so sudden. Everything happened too fast. I did get to say good bye, but I didn't prolong it, it was kind of quick. I did get one last tender little kiss from him. (Now I'm crying.) I told him I love him, but I don't remember if I told him he's a good boy. That's bothering me. I didn't go with him, to be with him for the end. That is driving me crazy. I just didn't want to see him die. But I should have been thinking of him. He needed me to be there. He deserved me to be there. I will never forgive myself for being so selfish.

All his stuff is gone. I Freecycled everything. His toys, his bed, his dishes, the muzzle we never used, his food, everything. All that's left is clumps of hair on the floor. I can't bring myself to sweep them away. Once they're gone, all signs of him will be gone. I just can't do it yet. (Still bawling.)

My most recent pet name for him was Strumby. Don't ask me where that came from, but that was it. He was also Mama's boy, my guy, Bearzin, which turned into Zinny lol. And he answered to these names. Mr. Man said he's going to have to start a new blog because the name of his blog is "The Other Guy", meaning he's the other guy besides Bear, who was MY GUY.

He really meant the world to me. Even I can't believe just how attached I was to him. I'm a little stunned at how intense my grief is. I'm more upset about losing him than I was over losing certain people, simply because I was closer to him than to them. That's not easy to admit. I've actually been praying for the pain to go away or lighten up. I think my prayers are being answered. It is lightening up. I'm just trying to keep busy. And blogging about it is helping a bit. Of course it's just going to take time.

The vet said he was suffering. So at least he's at peace and no longer suffering. He had been sick for a while, exactly how long I don't know. He had slowed down in the last year or so. I hate to think he was suffering all that time. I don't think so. He went quickly and with dignity. He's gone and I need to accept it.

This will be the last post about him, I promise. I just found it therapeutic. It helped me feel a little better. He will live on in my heart and memory.

You were the best dog anyone could ask for. You are loved and missed. Rest in peace Strumby. xoxoxoxoxox

Memories Of A Special Guy

I hope there are fields in heaven. Bear loved to run in the fields. He would run off every chance he got, and let's be honest I gave him the chance a lot, and he would head straight for the fields. He would run around there for an hour or so then saunter home like nothing happened. That was when we lived in paradise.

I noticed in most of the pictures we have of him he has his Kong nearby. He loved his Kongs. He got a new one every Christmas. He would chew them apart piece by piece. He also loved playing fetch whether it was with a Kong, or a ball, or a stick, or a frisbee, he could play endlessly. He always had a Kong.

He loved cheese. He could be sound asleep but if you opened a cheese slice he would be right there. He loved all kinds of cheese. You couldn't eat any without sharing it with him.

I'll never forget the first time I saw him. A guy at Mr. Mans work had him and didn't want him any more. They lived in a ground floor apartment and Bears life consisted of being tied to a tree all day. This guy was going to take him to a shelter. Mr. Man asked me if I wanted a dog. I said I'd try it out for a weekend and if it didn't work out he would have to go back. He arrived in a big cage on the back of Mr. Man s truck. Mr. Man let him out and I just about shit. That dog is huge! What are we getting ourselves into. But from that moment on he fit right into our family and he stole my heart. He was 5 years old and hadn't had much of a life. He was my constant companion from that day on. I allowed him as much freedom as possible. We had a big yard. We went for walks, we went to the park. I let him roam the nigbourhood more than I should have.

He became an important member of our family. He was treated with love and dignity. I spoiled him whenever I could. He loved Christmas. He got just as many gifts as the rest of us. He opened all his own gifts. He was like a little kid at Christmas. Couldn't wait for his next gift. We had him for 5 Christmases and it was a joy.

He was happy, healthy and smart. He was loving and calm. He was playful and wanted to please. He never once messed in the house. He made a mess shedding, but that wasn't his fault. Every fall he would shed getting in his new winter coat. Every spring he would shed for his summer coat. He had beautiful thick, shiny fur.

He was fearless and intrepid, except when it came to thunder and fireworks. For whatever reason those things scared him. He would tremble like a leaf and look for somewhere to hide. We tried reassuring him that it was ok to no avail. Poor silly guy.

He got sprayed by a skunk twice within a few days. I just bathed him and he was fine. He met a porcupine once. Mr. Man had to come home from work to pull the quills out of his snout. He was fine after that.

He loved affection and was affectionate in return. He was friendly to just about everyone he met. If you played with him you had a friend for life. Everyone who met him, loved him. People everywhere we went would stop to pet him and comment on how beautiful he was.

He was not good with window screens. He shredded every screen in the house in paradise. He just wanted to get outside. He wasn't good with other male dogs. He got into a couple of scraps, but he always came out on top. A little training probably would have rectified that. He pretty much tolerated Eddie, a male Jack Russel who we had for a year or so. He just resigned himself that Eddie wasn't going anywhere. Sometimes they were like best buds. Eddie tormented him sometimes. Eddie was untrainable. Eventually we had to find him a new home.

He would come, sit, lay down, get down, get up, move, sing, speak, drink water, shake a paw and sometimes give kisses on command. He ate a lot of food and drank a lot of water. He liked Snausages too. If it was ok for him to have he got a taste of whatever I was eating. I'd usually save him the last bite or give him my leftovers.

He never jumped up on people or sniffed crotches. He had manners. But if you sat on the couch he would try to be a lap dog and lay on you digging his elbows into your leg. Most people didn't mind.

I thank God we have lots of pictures and even some videos of him. I will never forget him. He was a very special guy. My heart aches with missing him. Our love for each other was complete and unconditional.

I am taking it one day at a time, just getting through the day. It's going to take some time to get used to not having him around. Meanwhile I have my memories and pictures. He will always hold a special place in my heart. Make no mistake, he was a very special guy. I'm sure to some he was just another dog, but to many he was an awesome dog.

Well I'm trying to move on as hard as that is. He was such a very good boy and will always be in my heart. Time to get busy around here and try to get my mind off of it. Have a great day.

I Will Love Him Forever

Thanksgiving weekend was ok. The weather was chilly. Friday Mr. Man brought his niece up from the city and he brought a truckload of skid wood for the bonfire. We had a nice evening getting acquainted with his niece. Then on Saturday Mr. Man drove to Scarborough to pick up his brother. We stayed here and did girl stuff, like I got my hair cut (butchered) and the niece got her eyebrows waxed. Little R took her on a tour of the town. Then we all headed up to D & Ss place for the bonfire/party. I was disappointed that my friends couldn't make it, but I understand. We had a great time anyways. We had a barbecue. Mr. Man got me a little birthday cake and everyone sang to me, that was fun. D got me a bottle of champagne. Bear was acting funny, like he wasn't feeling well or something. We came home and drank the bottle of Kaluha that T had given me.



The next day, Sunday, Mr. Man had to drive his brother and niece back to Scarborough. Then he was going to the Reserve for smokes. That's a hell of a lot of driving. He left home around 1 and didn't get back til around 9. Meanwhile he was out of pills and I had called the pharmacy for refills. He was going to pick them up on his way home. That didn't work out. The drug store closed at 6 and he called me at 5:30 from Mississauga, there was no way he was going to make it. He really needed his pills. So I had to hustle, hung over, on foot down to the pharmacy. I made it there at 5 to 6. All the way there I had visions of them locking the door in my face. So relieved I made it.



Then on Monday, which was going to be a day of rest for Mr. Man, my father and sister came up to visit. They brought me birthday cards and my daddy gave me a cheque. Very nice. It was good to see them. My father actually fell asleep in our new lazyboy chair and had a little nap. Mr. Man scuttled off to lay down too. So me and my sister watched Jerry Springer together. LOL. Even though we had a turkey in the oven they weren't staying for dinner. They left and we had our Thanksgiving turkey dinner, just the 3 of us. The dog was still acting sick. He just wasn't himself.



Tuesday was my actual birthday and D came on messenger and told me to be ready to go at 11. She took me for my very first manicure. And I liked it lol. It was a nice birthday surprise. By now the dog was throwing up. He couldn't even hold down water.



This went on all week. He wouldn't eat and every time he took a drink of water he threw it right back up. Finally on Saturday I convinced Mr. Man to take him to the vet. Even at this point Mr. Man thought Bear was getting better. I insisted we get him into the vet. The vet took one look at him and said this is one very sick dog. He was jaundiced which meant his liver was failing. She told us he was dying. There was really only one thing we could do. It all happened so fast. I did get to say good bye, but I didn't go in with him, which I now regret. We had him put down. He was suffering. It was the right and only thing to do. We couldn't get out of there fast enough, bawling our heads off.



I have been a heartbroken mess ever since. I loved that dog with all of my heart. I loved him as my child. And he loved me back. Life is going to be quite different without him. I miss him terribly. Every little thing sets me off crying. I can't stop thinking about him. I just hope time will heal my wounds. He was 10, so he was a senior. He was 5 when we got him. He was a joy to have in our family. The love of a dog is so pure. He was such a very good boy. I just hope he knows he was a good boy. Not a day went by that I didn't tell him he was a good boy and how handsome he was and how smart he was and how much I loved him.

My mind is just overflowing with memories of him. That's what I'm left with, memories and pictures. And a broken heart. His pain is over and I'm glad for that. I just can't wait for my pain to stop. He was my constant companion. I was closer to him than to many people.

We've batted around the idea of getting another dog. But I don't think it's cool to have a dog living in an apartment for one thing. My heart belongs to Bear for another thing. Plus I'd like to enjoy the freedom for a while. And I gave away all his stuff on Freecycle. I'm not ready, if I ever will be, for another dog. Besides, he spoiled us. He was such an awesome dog, no other could take his place.

It turns out he had been sick for a while. He had lost too much weight which I didn't really notice because I saw him every day. I thought he was depressed about moving into an apartment. But no, he was sick. The poor guy. And now he's gone and I'm lost without him.

It's a sad time around here. We're all so upset. It'll just take time. I have to learn to focus on other things and move on with my life so I don't just shut down in grief. He was my reason to get up each day. He had a good life with us. Yes there is a doggie heaven and he is there now. I will never forget him and I'll never stop loving him. R.I.P Bear :-(

Happy Birthday, My Ass

It's been almost a month again since my last post. Really just nothing going on in my life. So many of the blogs I read have come to an end. The people I actually know in real life just haven't been posting. Blogs I've been reading for years are just done, over, gone. What the hell? I'm getting seriously bored with the computer. I spend the majority of my time playing games on Facebook these days. Exciting.

We've been over to S & Ds place for bonfires a few times. That's always fun. Recently we took some furniture over there to store. We just don't have room for it here. And I didn't want to get rid of it just yet in case we get another house in the future.

My birthday is on the 13th. I'll be 48. OMFG. That's 2 years shy of 50! Unreal. It's just hard to believe. I don't feel that old. So I invited my few friends over this weekend. I asked them back in September. That way they can plan their Thanksgiving dinners around it. Then I got all freaked out about having people in my little cramped apartment. D generously offered to host my little get together at her place. Awesome. A bonfire sure beats sitting in an apartment. Didn't all three of my girlfriends cancel this week. Piss me off. Ok, one friend told me from the get go that her family usually has their Thanksgiving dinner on the Saturday, plus she lives really far away. But she would come if she could. Well she can't. Fine. Then another friend told me this week that her family is having Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday also. But this was after she told me she would come. Then this morning I got a message from a third friend that she won't be coming because she's sick. Well fuck me. That leaves Mr. Man's niece and brother as our guests. No amount of planning matters with my friends. What really pisses me off is I go to all their shit. If I said I would be there, I'm there. Even if my family invited me to dinner, I would tell my family I already have plans. I've driven through blizzards to be there. I've gone when I'm not really feeling well. I just wouldn't do this to them. So I'm not impressed. But you know what? We'll have a ball anyways and it's their loss. I didn't mention it was my birthday because I didn't want them to feel obligated to buy me gifts or anything. I just wanted to see my friends. Also it isn't the first time they've done this to me. I've cancelled more than one get together because they pulled this same thing. I could go on and on about it, really. I'm so disappointed, again. But like I said, we'll have a good time anyways, we always do when we go to D & Ss place. So Mr. Man's niece, who we haven't even seen in over 10 years, is coming up here tomorrow and Mr. Man is picking his brother up on Saturday. Then he'll have to drive them back to the city on Sunday. Poor Mr. Man, he gets no rest. I don't know if we're going to bother with a turkey dinner or what. No invitations from my family for Thanksgiving. So we probably will get a little turkey. Man, I hope I cheer up by Saturday.

On that note, I'm thinking I should go back to the doctor about my depression. It is no secret that I'm depressed. It's getting old. I don't know what else to do. Previously my doctor sent me to a counsellor, but I only saw her once or twice before it turned into family counselling. So we never did really address my depression. I think Mr. Man is truly getting fed up with it. He isn't so understanding any more. I thought I would rather be depressed than feel the way the anti-depressants made me feel, now I'm not so sure. I need to feel better and get myself a life.

So it's a long weekend, Canadian Thanksgiving. My friends let me down. At least I have one solid friend. Little R still hasn't found herself a job. She goes out every day, but I don't know where she goes. I'm depressed and Mr. Man is fed up. Not only does he have to put up with me and Little R but he has a helper at work who is useless and drives him squirrelly every day. For whatever reason the bosses haven't fired this guy yet. Mr. Man is extremely frustrated. I feel for him. I need a life beyond the computer. Winter is fast approaching. They've turned the heat on in the building and it's stinking hot in here. But hey, that's better than being cold. I don't know when I'll blog again. If anything interesting happens, I'll blog about it. Time to quit wasting time on the computer and get something done around here. Have a great day. And Happy Thanksgiving!