Too Good To Be True

My first day having the car, I was going to pick up Little R from school because she has exams this week and would be getting out early. I was so nervous. There had been freezing rain the night before so I was worried about the road conditions. It's been so long since I drove, I was really worried and nervous. So I spent all morning psyching myself up for the drive to town. I checked my email one last time before it was time to leave, and theres an email from Little R, "don't bother coming to pick me up, I have to stay to get some work done, I'll just take the bus home." I was actually surprised the school buses were running with the icy roads and all. So that was that, my first day with the car and I didn't have to drive. I was a little disappointed but I was actually more relieved.

Then Mr. Man came home and told me he couldn't fix the gas leak on the truck. I should have known it was too good to be true. He will be taking the car to work today. Then he'll take the truck on Thursday to take it somewhere to be fixed.

It's 4 am. Apparently we're having some more wicked weather and the power went out around 3 and woke me up when it came back on. The school buses may be cancelled today. I went to bed very, very early last night, like around 6 pm. Something happens to me and I just can't stay awake come late afternoon. So waking up at 3 is par for the course. Another reason I went to lay down so early last night is, I'm in pain. I sort of fell/slid down the stairs the other day and when I grabbed the railing and tried to hang on I seem to have pulled something in my shoulder/neck. My neck is very sore and stiff. I think I'm lucky, it could have been worse, I could have seriously hurt myself. But man it hurts more a couple of days later than it did at the time.

I am so done with this winter weather. And it's only January. I know I won't see spring until May. And even in May we usually get one last hurrah of snow. I haven't even looked outside to see what's going on out there. I can hear the wind though. Mr. Man told me last night that we are expecting a snow storm.

I don't know how it works with Little Rs exams if the buses are cancelled. I assume it just gets put off until the next day. I'm not expecting much. She has discovered the joys of skipping school. She's only making it harder on herself. I've had two teachers emailing me to tell me she's been skipping their classes and not handing in assignments. We've talked to her and she seems to be trying to catch up. I'm hoping next semester will go a little better for her. I'm hoping she has learned her lesson by falling behind, and realizes it would be easier to just go to class and do the work. Grade 9 is tough, its a big adjustment. She has all this new freedom. She made the wrong choice. I just hope she learned from her mistakes and things will go smoother next semester.

Here is the photo I wanted to upload the other day. I took this last week the day after a full moon. It was 8 am and the moon was still visible.



Well it's almost time to go wake up Mr. Man. Have yourselves a great day.

Oh The Fresh Air

Well here it is Sunday night again, (technically it's Monday morning). The weekends go by far too quickly. The good news is, the truck is running, we drove it to town today. The bad news is, we found another gas leak. Mr. Man has Monday off work for doctor appointments, but when he takes the truck to work he can fix it there. So, I have my car again! Yahoo! We had to shovel the driveway today so that we could get both vehicles out. Since our snowblower is now trash, a neighbour had snowblowed for us, but he only did the part behind the car, so there was the other half of the driveway for us to do today.

Yes I actually got dressed and went outside of the house. I took the dogs for a walk Saturday and Sunday. I helped Mr. Man shovel the driveway. And I went to town with him. We actually went to town twice. In the truck we got gas and then went to Dollarama and then discovered the leak, so we came home before finishing our errands. We went back to town in the car to pick up some stuff from a Freecycler and do grocery shopping.

I gave Mr. Man a GPS for Christmas. It is an amazing little thing. It came in handy today when we went to pick up some clothes from a Freecycler. We weren't sure where the street in Orangeville was but the GPS took us right to it. No more wandering around, wasting gas, looking for places we're not sure about. It was a good score too. I got several pairs of jeans and a couple of tops for Little R, and it all fits. We took her shopping for jeans last weekend and only found one pair. Now she's all set. I love when a Freecycle experience goes well.

After dinner, bacon and eggs that Mr. Man cooked, I went to lay down for a bit. I asked him to get me up in an hour. Well he tried. I just couldn't get up, must have been all that fresh air today. Then I woke up with a start at 1 am. And I was wide awake, there was no going back to sleep. So here I am.

I'm glad the truck is back on the road and I have my car back, I only hope it lasts. And we still have a ton of Christmas stuff laying around the house waiting to be put away. Maybe tomorrow after Mr. Mans appointments we can get on with that. I posted a couple of items on Freecycle tonight, which I had been hanging on to for a yard sale. Forget it, I just want to get rid of them.

I didn't put the garbage out tonight, so that means the race with the garbage man in the morning. I hope I feel up to it lol. Have a great night/day.

P.S I tried to upload a photo but Blogger wasn't co-operating. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

I Want To Be Fine Again

I got curious and looked back through my archives to a year ago. I know exactly when this depression started and I wanted to see if I was right. Yes, I was right. It started last February. A year ago, Mr. Man was off work with his knee injury. We had just gotten Eddie. We were painting the familyroom. We had lots going on and I was not depressed. I was getting used to having Mr. Man home all the time. I was getting used to having a second dog around. I was active and upbeat, getting things done, thinking positive. But I remember, I was planning a party for Mr. Mans birthday and had in fact already started inviting people when he told me to cancel it because we didn't have the money to put on a party. He had been off work and money was tight, but we still could have done it. But rather than argue with him about it I just cancelled the party. And that was when this depression started. It progressed over a year. I am now at the point of not even getting dressed unless I absolutely have to. I'm happy to lounge around in my pyjammas all day long. I don't cook. I don't clean. I just sit and vegetate in front of the computer. I even watch TV while sitting at the computer. Sadly it is affecting our life. It is affecting Little R and her school work. I can see what it must be like for her. So I feel guilty. The house is a disaster. I'm shocked at the condition I have allowed it to get into. I've become beyond lazy, it's more like paralyzed. The only thing I still do on any regular basis is put the garbage out. I rarely leave the house, even to walk the dogs. They're getting fat from the lack of exercise. Every aspect of our life is suffering because of my depression. I'm anti social now. I don't want to see people if it means I have to get dressed and put my dentures in. I withdraw from the world. It's really gone too far. I've gotten into a routine of sleeping half the day and staying up half the night. And simply ignoring all of my responsibilities.

Do I dare suggest another party for Mr. Mans birthday? It might be just the thing to snap me out of this depression (along with having a car again). That would force me to clean up the house. It would get me socializing. I think it's just what I need. We'll see what Mr. Man thinks. Or maybe I just won't invite his opinion this time. It's only a couple of weeks away. That's another one of my symptoms of depression, I can't make even the simplest decisions.


Every day I wake up and think today will be different, today I will snap out of this, today I will get things done. And yet every day is the same. I fool around on the computer until I become bored with it, then I go to bed to read, and of course I fall asleep. I sleep most of the day away. Then I get up and go back to the computer. Now I feel guilty for wasting another day sleeping and getting nothing accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. It's all habit. I don't cook dinner for my family. It's fend for yourselves. I load the dishwasher each day, that's my contribution. I am not functioning. Rather than any day being better, it seems each day is a little worse. I sleep a little longer, I think darker thoughts, I cry more. I feel worse than I did the day before. At the same time, it's all I can think about, my mind races. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what to do to change things. Some days the thought goes through my mind "I wish I was dead". Those are the worst days. I don't want that at all. I feel awful for even thinking such a thing. Of course I then again feel guilty. I'm overwhelmed with negative emotions and thoughts.


You may be thinking, why don't you just go to your doctor? Well, I did. His first response was anti-depressants. I can't take anti-depressants. They make me feel physically ill. I've tried them all over the years. They all do the same things to me. I decided a long time ago I would rather feel depressed than the way those medications make me feel. I still feel that way. I still think I can actually pull myself out of this. I've done it before, I can do it again. I just don't know what little push I need.


When I looked back to where I was a year ago, it gave me hope. Nothing was so different a year ago. I had longer hair and my own teeth. Other than that, and Mr. Mans job situation, things are pretty much the same. Well, and the house is a lot messier than it was a year ago. But maybe if I just give myself one job a day to accomplish, you know, baby steps, maybe then things will get done. It's when I look at the whole thing at once that it becomes overwhelming.


And I'm not sure this is the place for me to be discussing all this, but I have no one else to talk to about it. Sometimes just getting it out is a big help. Just to get it off my chest. People tend to not really understand depression. Unless you've experienced it yourself, chances are you won't really understand it. Believe me I don't want to be this way, I don't want to feel this way. If it was as easy as just snapping out of it, don't you think I would? I'm not sure what the answers are. But I'm always thinking about it.

A year ago I was doing fine. This thing has taken a year to progress to this point. It's time to turn it around. I want to be fine again. I'll take baby steps, even if it means just getting dressed. (That would be easier if the house wasn't so damn cold). I'm going to do this. I'm going to pull out of this. Watch me.

Still No Life

Here I am typing this on my new laptop. Honestly I prefer my desktop, but how can I tell Mr. Man that? I think I'll appreciate it more in the summer when I can sit outside with it. Because all we have here is dial up, I have to be near a phone plug. We'll have to get an extra long cord for the summer.

Nothing has been happening around here. My father was in the hospital for a few days. As far as I know he's back home and getting more tests. He was passing blood in his urine and the doctors seemed to think that was due to the blood thinners he takes. But like I said they're doing more tests. So, Big R flew up for the weekend to see him. I didn't get to see her. It was a last minute thing, she didn't have time to make any plans or to come up here.

I still have all the tree ornaments piled all over the place waiting to be put away. I still have Christmas stuff sitting on the mantle. The fake tree is undecorated but still sitting there waiting to be put away. That's Mr. Mans job. Speaking of jobs for him, all he has to do is put the alternator back in the truck and I can have my car. Of course it snowed all weekend so he couldn't do it then. Hard to believe I'll have to go yet another week without a car. I do believe that's a big factor in my depression too, the no car thing. It's not easy living in the middle of nowhere without a car. The only time I get out is when Mr. Man takes me. That means I basically only get out on weekends. That just doesn't work for me.

After reading that book by Slash, I have a renewed interest in him and his band. So I bought a Velvet Revolver CD this weekend. It's alright, it aint no Guns n Roses, but it's ok. I don't like the singer. Slash would do well to get back with Axl Rose. I loved the book. Wasn't thrilled with the ending, but couldn't put it down when I was reading it. That was some awesome gift giving by Mr. Man.

Well I'm sitting here watching my battery dwindle away. It sure doesn't seem to last very long. I beat the garbage man by mere minutes this morning. Luckily there wasn't a lot to go out. It was too cold and snowy to put it out last night, so I waited til this morning. My timing has been perfect lately.

Ok I'm going to end this before my battery dies. Still boring. Still depressed. Still no car. Still no life. I'm addicted to scrabble on facebook and they're talking about removing it because of copyright bullshit. OMG. K, have a great day. Chow.

Drowning In Depression

I am even more depressed now than I was before. I was hoping with the new year I'd have a new start. Nothing has changed. Except that maybe I feel even worse. I can't explain it. There is no real reason for it. I feel stir crazy without a car, very isolated. Mr. Man went out to work on the truck yesterday, finally, and now it seems theres something wrong with the alternator. So he'll be taking it to get it fixed today. As soon as that truck is ready, that means I can have my car. It's been way too long.

The house is a shambles. It seems any effort I make to clean it up goes unnoticed. Its that time again that I am looking forward to having a yard sale in the spring. I believe that will make a world of difference just getting rid of some clutter. After the yard sale we're getting a dumpster and getting rid of a lot of stuff. I think the cluttered condition of the house is a major factor in my depression.

I seem to be surrounded by negative people. Thats never a good thing. People who want to treat me badly. People who have negative life experiences going on in their lives. I'm about to lose my only friend left in town. She is moving to town. So she won't be right there for me any more. I feel so lonely and isolated its killing me.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've taken the dogs for a walk in the last few months. Ever since the incident where Bear went ballistic on that other dog, I've been afraid to take them out. I've hardly left the house myself at all, except to go grocery shopping with Mr. Man and things like that. It seems like every time I leave the house I have some neighbour wanting to tell me what a menace my dog is. Last night is a good example. There I was minding my own business, putting out the garbage. I had Eddie with me as he had snuck out the door behind me. I figured it wouldn't do any harm to have him out there with me. Next thing I know I have a neighbour telling me how Bear "came after her" and that she would be happy to buy him a muzzle. And of course she brought up the incident of him going after that other dog saying he bit that lady. No he didn't bite her, her own dog bit her. There was just no arguing or reasoning with this woman. She said she was trying to be a good neighbour. I can't even leave the house without these people accosting me. Not even to put my garbage out, never mind actually walking the dogs down the street. That was how that whole incident started. These two women started hollering and yelling at me and Bear reacted, he pulled the leash right out of my hand. If they weren't freaking out on me he would have ignored them. But its my dogs who are suffering, they don't get out for walks any more. It used to be every day, now its rarely. And thats why, I get accosted every single time. I enjoy walking with the dogs. I need it as much as they do.

We finally got the Christmas trees taken down. Not bad, late yes, but we've left them later than this before. I really dislike taking them down. There's different reasons for that. I hate to see the end of the holidays for one thing. I hate the hassle of putting everything away again. There's always new stuff to add to the packing away, so this year I'm going to need yet another box for it all. Since I wasn't really into Christmas this time it isn't killing me to put it all away. I'm glad to see it going actually. I'm very sad about all that too. The whole season went by and I didn't feel a thing. That's never happened to me before. So I can only hope this year will be better. I'm hoping for a better year. I'm hoping for some changes. Only I can change myself. The biggest thing is pulling out of this depression.

Guys, plug your ears, cover your eyes. I am now in month 3 without a period. So that means something is wrong or I'm starting menopause. I'm very worried about this and plan on seeing the doctor about it soon. My dentures are still very uncomfortable. I think I need another adjustment. I'm able to eat more things, but some things are just painful to eat. I'm kind of wishing I never went ahead with it. But that's negative thinking, so I try to adjust and accept. I'm trying.

My latest addiction is online Scrabble. I've been playing nonstop. I can't get enough. I've usually got about 10 games on the go at once. Day and night, there's someone to play with. I'm sure the novelty will wear off eventually like everything else.

I've barely touched my new laptop. I think I'll go on it today while no one is home wanting to use the other computers.

So thats about it. I can't even think of anything amusing that has happened recently though I'm sure there is something. I'm just drowning in my depression. That's why I haven't posted anything for so long. I need to get away from all the negativity surrounding me. I need to get away from this house once in a while.

So until next time, have a great day and be happy.

Happy 2008

Christmas was good. Though honestly, I was just going through the motions, my heart wasn't in it. I had gone to bed super early Christmas Eve, so I was up at 3 a.m Christmas morning. Little R soon followed getting up around 4. We let Mr. Man sleep until 5. It was a long day. Mr. Man cooked a turkey dinner. He was tired and crusty by then and in a bad mood. He went to bed early.

Mr. Man got me a laptop! I've played around on it a bit, but I prefer my old computer, which isn't really that old. We can't have the old computers and the laptop online at the same time, until Mr. Man figures out how to network them. A couple of years ago I would have been much more thrilled with such a gift. I think my favourite gift received was a book, also from Mr. Man, it is Slash's autobiography. I've started reading it and am enjoying it. I didn't even know this book existed, it was a great surprise. He actually spoiled me this year I think, I got several lovely gifts from him.

The holiday was spent doing a lot of nothing. Mr. Man had some much needed down time. It was very fortunate that he had the whole week off work. We've just been taking it easy, lounging around watching tv, playing scrabble on the computers, throwing some darts, sleeping, eating and that's about it.

We didn't go anywhere last night for New Years Eve. We just stayed home with Little R, watched tv and played a couple of games of darts. We didn't even toast the new year. No one could be bothered going upstairs to get the champagne out of the fridge. It was the quietest new years we've had in several years. But it wasn't so bad.

As I predicted, it was a subdued holiday.

I sure hope this is a better year. A year ago, I had high hopes for 2007. But I was depressed for a whole year. I don't usually make new year resolutions, but I think this time I will. I want this year to be more productive, happier, healthier, and more secure. I want to take better care of my health, I don't feel very healthy. There's a lot I can do to improve on that. I've neglected the house for a year, and it has become an overwhelming task to overcome. Overwhelming, but not impossible. I've neglected just about everything, from the house to my own health. For a whole year. Things need to change. I need to get back into my life, living it, rather than wasting it, and watching it fly by. I want to start the new year off right. I'm trying to cut down on my smoking. I'm thinking about taking the dogs for a walk, even though we are being blasted by snow today. They need it, and I need it. Some days I don't even think about it. Depression does hurt everyone.

Happy New Year. All the best to you and yours in 2008.