Bored To Tears

Mr. Man didn't make that mistake again, he got me up this morning, at 4 a.m. Here it is almost 7 a.m, he left at 5. I've been sitting here alone for 2 hours. I'm absolutely bored to tears with the computer. I just don't know what to do with it any more. I've tried reading blogs, but no one has updated lately. I turned on the tv only to find the satelite is down, again. Another day in the ghost town of paradise with no tv. I am going stir crazy. I could go read my book, but frankly it isn't that interesting. I like to read in bed, not sure why, but it always just puts me to sleep. I don't want to sleep the day away. I'm not even sleepy. So I've perused all my favourite sites. Now what? It's still dark out. I'm on my third cup of coffee. Even though we paid the phone bill off, I still can't call long distance. My sister is a morning person, if only I could call her. No one is on messenger to chat with. Mr. Man is at work and we've exchanged emails already. He's at work, he doesn't have time to type long drawn out emails. I've posted a bunch of things on Freecycle. Right now the things are all piled on my diningroom table, waiting to be picked up, but so far no takers. I could dig out some stuff to post on ebay. But I'd have to take pictures of it first and this isn't a good time of day to post a listing. It's more of an evening thing. I could think about what to make for dinner tonight, but by dinner time I'll be exhausted and won't want to cook. I used to cook and clean. I used to care about my house. I used to be able to occupy myself all day long. And I was happy. Mr. Man thinks I have the "winter blahs". I think there's more to it than that. I think I'm bored senseless. I used to be happy being a homemaker. And I did all the things I was supposed to do. I now cringe at just the thought of doing housework or cooking. I feel absolutely caged. Trapped in a world of my own making. The other night when I took off, I was thankful the roads were clear. It's been quite a while since I drove, especially at night. That's one thing I really miss, having a car. At least then I would get out of the house. I could go visit the couple of friends I do have. I could go to town and shop or browse. Yeah, I really miss having a car. It's very difficult to live in the middle of nowhere without a car. I'm trapped in the house. There's nowhere to walk to. I have no friends in this town any more. The couple of friends I do have live in other towns. I've lost a lot of friends over the last couple of years. I miss them. It's hard to make new friends when you're trapped in your house all the time.
It's finally light outside. I looked out, and I used to love the view, now it just looks lonely and desolate. It looks like it might snow today. I haven't checked the forecast, so I don't know if they're calling for snow or not, it just looks like it might. I haven't even seen any snowmobilers this year. There are groomed trails all around our place and usually I see them all the time, but this year I haven't seen one. Mind you I haven't spent much time at the kitchen sink gazing out the window either.
I don't even walk the dog any more because of the trauma of him ripping the leash out of my hand and attacking another dog. I just can't do it. Thankfully T takes him out for walks once in a while.
I don't even walk over to the mailbox any more. Maybe once every two weeks I'll go check the mail. And I don't even get dressed to do it, I throw my coat and boots on over my jammies.
I still pretty much live in my jammies. I don't get dressed unless I know I have to go somewhere. Like yesterday, going to the doctor. I was trying to have that appointment rescheduled, I didn't want to go. I didn't feel like showering and getting dressed. But Mr. Man talked me into it. Better to get it over with and find out what's going on with my cervix. So I'm glad I went, it was good news. And rather than have Mr. Man drive T down to work, then drive all the way back up here to take me to the doctor, then drive all the way back down to the city for work, and then drive home again, my good friend SW offered to take me to the doctor. Saved Mr. Man a ton of driving. Thank you SW.
I'm planning a little something for Mr. Mans birthday but because he reads this I can't go into detail. I only hope that when the time comes, he will just cooperate. It gives me something to think about and to look forward to. And I need a little of that.
I'm now on my 5th coffee. It's daylight. Little R is still in bed. I've let the dog out back. I've emptied all the trash cans around the house. I've exchanged a couple of emails with Mr. Man. But the tv still doesn't work. I still don't know what to do with myself. I have no energy. I have no inspiration. I was getting a little upset. I was crying, I do a lot of that. So I took a couple of my pills that calm me down. Now I'm feeling a little sleepy. All I can imagine is going up to bed. But that's really the last thing I want to do. I suppose I could fold and put away laundry. There's always a ton of that to do. But as I've mentioned, my drawers are full. On my way upstairs to make my 5th coffee I noticed there were coats hanging on just about every chair in the diningroom and kitchen. We have a coat closet. But you know what? It's packed full too. We have far too many coats. But we do use them all. But I'm the only one who actually hangs a coat in the closet. There's also tons of shoes and boots cluttered by the front door. From the looks of it you would think eight people live here, not four. I just don't know what to do with them all. So it's just a cluttered mess that drives me crazy. Again with the boots and shoes, we do use them all.
I know it's nearing the end of January and Christmas is long past, but I am still so upset and disappointed. I just can't help feeling like I missed the whole thing. There are no signs of Christmas left in the house. Well maybe a couple of little things here and there, but the majority of it is all packed away until next year. I feel ripped off. I don't think we spent our nice long holiday the way we normally would have. I think having T here with his negative attitude played a big part. I thought having him here would make it more fun, boy was I wrong about that. Things just weren't the same. I'm really hoping to do it right this year.
So these are my thoughts on this desolate Wednesday morning in January. I'm determined not to go to bed today. I want to accomplish something, anything. I want to find something to occupy my brain. I may even cook dinner, out of pure boredom. The laundry is calling to me now. I'm off to start my day, though it really started at 4 a.m. Have a great day and may you not be bored to tears.

My Miserable Day

I went to the doctor this morning. I had a pap test and he checked my cervix. According to him it looks fine. What the other doctor saw was marks from my previous biopsies. I am entering menopause. I went 8 months without a period and then they started up again. The doctor says once you go 12 months you shouldn't have any more. So after that 8 months, in December I had one hell of a period. It was heavy and the pain sent me to the hospital. Since then I've had 2 more lighter ones. That's 3 periods in like 6 weeks. So he gave me a scrip for Progesterone I think it is and this is supposed to even out my periods. I go back in a month. I'm just thrilled that my cervix looks ok. I've been convinced I have cancer.

Things have been a little rocky around this house lately. I've just been in a depressed state. But I've been bitchy too. Mr. Man is almost always miserable. We clashed last night and it wasn't pretty. I ended up jumping in the car and leaving. The only problem was I really had nowhere to go. At that moment, in my mind, I wasn't coming back. After a couple of hours of driving around and parking here and there, I decided it was best to come back home. By then everyone had cooled off. But you know, the damage is done. I feel all out of sorts today. Part of that is from waking up to find Mr. Man already gone to work. I hate when he doesn't wake me up before he goes. Part of it is hurt feelings from last night.

I have mixed feelings about his brother staying with us. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I'm not. Obviously I won't kick him out, I'm not going to see him be homeless. But damn sometimes it's hard to have someone staying with you. I keep going back to the fact that I didn't even have a say in it. Though I probably would have agreed anyways. He is working now, so that's a good thing, but it doesn't sound like he plans on staying with this job. I just find it causes tension around here at times, and that we don't need. Mr. Man is stuck in the middle. And he's not doing a very good job of that.

And there's all this talk about selling the house and moving to town. It's really upsetting me. Just the thought of the actual act of moving drives me into depression. There is so much that needs to be done first before we could sell this place. And I'm not sure I want to move. It's driving me crazy.

It's bitter cold outside, so it's a little chilly in the house. I am having problems getting a decent fire going today. Not sure why, but I'm really not feeling well. The last thing I want is to feel cold in my own house. I didn't get enough sleep last night, no one did. But I really don't want to crawl into bed either. I just want a good fire.

Little R goes back to school the beginning of February. I think she's been slacking on the home course. We had to pay for this course. What a waste of money if she doesn't complete it. Supposedly she's working on it right now up in her room. I have my doubts.

Big R is moving out of her dads into her own apartment. I found out by her status on her messenger. I had hoped she would just move back to Ontario. Doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon.

It just feels like nothing is going right. It feels like everything is wrong. I feel like a complete failure as a wife and as a parent. Nothing is as it should be. And now I'm edging into being a failure as a sister-in-law too. Oh and lets not forget I'm a failure at being a friend also. I'm just a big fat failure. That's how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different, but I doubt it. Something has to give. Something has to change. Our luck has to change. I feel like I'm getting some really bad karma, but I don't know why that would be. Will the good times ever come back?

I'm so scrambled today, I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm tired of the computer. I have nothing to do on it any more. I have nothing to take pictures of. I have no hobbies or crafts to do. I feel trapped in this cold house. I feel so bad about last night, but at the same time, I wish the car was here so I could take off again. And maybe this time I wouldn't come back.

Have a great day.

Morning Rainbow

Good morning. It is damn cold this morning. We've been in a deep freeze for a few days now, temperatures around -20C give or take. The house is chilly this morning. I made a fire but it hasn't been going long enough to warm up the room yet. There is a super fine snow falling and it created a rainbow around the morning sun. Here's one half of the rainbow...

I wasn't about to step outside to get a picture of the whole thing! So this is what I got from peeking through the door opened a crack.

A bit of good news, T got a job yesterday and he started working this morning. Hopefully this will uplift his spirits. I'm happy about it anyways. It's nice to have my house to myself again. Come February when Little R goes back to school, I'll be completely alone all day again. I'll probably miss having her around, but I'll get over it.

Mr. Man has been surprising me all week and playing the Game Cube every evening. We're making progress in the game and I may even take a stab at playing it myself today. We've had the Game Cube for a couple of years, or maybe it was just a year ago for Christmas that we got it, at any rate, I haven't played it. I prefer the older versions of Nintendo. So I'm not familiar with the controller, which has a lot more buttons on it than the older ones. Maybe I'll figure it out today, or maybe not, we'll see.

I'm really blocked for blogging ideas. Can't think of a thing to blog about. I live in this cocoon. I rarely even get out of the house. I rarely see people other than Mr. Man, Little R and T. My life revolves around sitting at the computer mostly just reading, keeping the fire going, doing the odd load of laundry and watching soaps on tv. I actually have it pretty good. When I'm feeling ambitious I sweep the floors and run a load through the dishwasher. Yup, I have it good. And I feel pretty good today. Don't feel depressed. Maybe just because it's Friday. This week went by fast. Time in general is passing fast. You would think time would drag for me with no life and all, but it flies by.

Well, I hope I can come up with something of interest to blog about in the near future. Meanwhile, have a great day.

Christmas Day In Pictures

As promised, here's some pictures from our Christmas. It was pretty slim pickins.

A little late, but better late than never. We really didn't take a lot of pictures this Christmas. So that was a quick look at our Christmas Day. Have a great day.

It's Bitter Cold And A Few Pictures

I woke up this morning crying. I'm so sad and I don't know why. Well, I was thinking about moving from paradise. I can't make up my mind if I want to stay or move. It is a bitter cold morning. We're supposed to be in a deep freeze for a couple of days and then get some more snow.


I kept busy yesterday. I had my shower and actually got dressed. I undecorated the tree down to the lights. Mr. Man or T have to remove the lights. So there it sits, waiting. Meanwhile I have 3 large boxes of decorations waiting to be taken down to the basement. Again I need one of the guys to do it. I did a load of dishes. I puttered. I kept a roaring fire going all day. Today we really need the fire. When I first woke up I couldn't be bothered getting one going. But when I got up the second time I started one. It takes a while to get it going well enough to really put out heat. By this evening it will be blazing.


I managed to convince Mr. Man to play the video game last night. I had tried it during the day with no success. He gets so into it he doesn't like to play during the week, it cuts into his sleep time. But the satelite wasn't working so he did play and he made some success. Weird as it is, I do enjoy just watching him play and helping him with hints along the way. We like the Zelda games which are adventures. There's all kinds of hints and clues and missions.


So it is bitter cold. I refuse to think about spring. Doing that drove me crazy last year. I'm taking it one day at a time. Trying to enjoy each and every day. That way spring will be here before we know it. I'm not looking at the long cold winter ahead. I'm just getting through each day.


I'm thinking about Mr. Mans birthday. It is fast approaching. I want to do something special. I want to have a party for him. It's been a couple of years since we had a party for it. It's been a while since I even baked a cake. Since I don't think a party is really going to happen I think I'll get him a nice bottle of whiskey and a stack of movies, bake him a cake and make a nice dinner. Then play some darts and try really hard to beat him so he doesn't get bored with winning. Once again, can't make up my mind, I'd like to have people over and have a little party for him. Oh well it's something to think about. It usually serves to break up the winter blahs.


I'm trying really hard to not think about spring. Instead I'm trying to think up ways to break up the winter. We used to do jigsaw puzzles in the winter. But we have nowhere with adequate lighting to do them here. Since we switched the diningroom and livingroom there is no overhead light in the diningroom. I still haven't learned how to do cross stitch. But I'm thinking of family activities anyway. We aren't the outdoorsy, sporty types. We did have a snowmobile but found it too expensive for insurance and a trail pass, so we sold it. None of us has ice skates any more. I don't know, we need a pool table. Hey, that's an idea for Mr. Mans birthday, we could go out to a bar and shoot pool. We haven't done that in a while. I'll end up discussing it with him and he'll shoot me down on everything. He doesn't like a fuss over his birthday, but when I do make a fuss he enjoys it.


Well the fire is coming along nicely, it'll be toasty in here soon. I'm bored out of my mind. I have nothing left to do on the computer and frankly I'm getting tired of sitting here in front of this thing all day, every day. I still have some clean laundry to put away, I think I'll do that today. It's just so cold in the basement, I hate going down there, especially when it's bitter outside, it's that much colder down there then. But that's where all the clean clothes are. I have to fold them and then bring them upstairs to put away. I don't know where I'll put my clothes though, my drawers are packed, can't squeeze another thing in. I really should weed out my clothes. I should also get a bin and pack away my summer clothes making room for the winter stuff. I used to do that, years and years ago. I used to be so organized and I was a neat freak too. Whatever has happened to me?


Sorry for the lack of pictures lately. All through the holidays I didn't post any pictures. I haven't been taking as many as I usually do, but I did take some. Any time we went anywhere I forgot my camera so we ended up using Mr. Mans phone. Now I feel that I should post a few from over the holidays. Here we go...


Here's S & D at Jakes Boathouse a couple of weeks before Christmas, we were celebrating D's birthday and we were there to see the band...






Here's me at a Christmas get together a few days before Christmas, looking happy...






Here's me and my old friend C at the same get together...

Here's Cathy and C, same get together, preparing the munchies...

I'm pretty sure I posted pictures of the company Christmas party already. In the next post I'll have pictures of Christmas.

Have a great day.

Wearing Out My Jammies

It seems I haven't gotten dressed since New Years. I've been in my jammies for 12 days. I know I must have got dressed to go to counselling and to go grocery shopping and stuff like that, but I must have slipped right back into my jammies as soon as I got home. Part of my therapy is making the effort to get dressed each day. Guess that isn't going so well. It just seems pointless to get dressed when I know I'm not going anywhere and I know no one is coming here. Why bother?

This morning was weird. The sun was shining but it was snowing. I took a few pictures of it and in not one of them can you tell it's snowing. I wanted to capture the flakes glinting in the sunshine, but it just didn't work.

I'm back on track with my resolution, it's been 2 days. I can't really say what it is I'm giving up. But it's not easy. Today was a long day. Here it is 11 p.m and I'm feeling all weepy. Little R and Mr. Man have both gone to bed. That leaves me and my brother-in-law. He is hogging the tv, in fact he's been hogging the tv all day. I'm not yet used to having to share things like that. And I'd rather have him up hogging the tv than sleeping all day. But I'm down here in the computer cave, all by myself, without the tv for background, with a fire going that I have kept going for days, and I'm feeling lonely. All the Christmas stuff has been removed from this room. The Christmas packing boxes are scattered all over the place though. We still have to take down the fake tree upstairs. In a way I'm glad I only did minimal decorating this time. It makes it that much easier to take it all down. I usually leave it up for a long time so I'm pretty on top of it this year.

But I'm not sure what is making me all weepy. Little R hopped on the school bus and went to town again this morning. At least she let me know she was going this time instead of sneaking out. And she did come home on the school bus rather than having us pick her up later. I told her we wouldn't pick her up, she better take the bus home or she would be stranded in town. I don't know how well she's doing with her homeschooling course. It's a course I just don't understand. Hopefully she will have it finished before she goes back to school in February, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I was pretty upset at her leaving this morning. That could be part of why I am weepy.

I'm sure I'm in withdrawal, that is making me weepy. I really don't like Mondays, that makes me weepy. I miss Mr. Man when he goes back to work on Mondays. I used to love Mondays, I used to enjoy the peace and quiet, not any more. In fact I start feeling the anxiety on Sunday nights now. Living here has really changed, with no friends and no car. I'm thinking more and more about moving to town. Yesterday I looked outside and the only word to describe it is desolate. Nothing but snow. Sure there's other houses, but no cars, no people. It can make me cry. I'm crying now just remembering how it made me feel. I'm beginning to think moving to the country wasn't the best thing for us to do. I still love it here. I'm just feeling so isolated and lonely. I hate the city. But I miss the convenience of it. I'm just really confused. I don't know what I want. And I think all of it boils down to my depression.

Because if I wasn't depressed I could see the beauty in things. I would enjoy my own company again. I could think clearly and know what I want. I wouldn't be anxious and weepy.

Oh I wish I knew how to beat this thing. I really do try, believe it or not. I thought it would go away when Mr. Man was allowed to come home. But lets face it, it was there before any of that happened. I just don't know what nudge it will take. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. I know it's all up to me. I have to make changes.

I don't know. So I'm plugging along. Weepy and depressed. Isolated and lonely. Confused. Even though it's the middle of the night, I think I will take a shower and put on different jammies. Tomorrow I will tackle taking down the Christmas tree upstairs. Then I can get T to help me put away all the boxes. Then I can invite H from nextdoor over for coffee. They are the new neighbours and she has expressed an interest in getting together for coffee. We'll see.

All my posts lately have been about me being depressed. It's the center of my life. I don't want it to be. It is what it is. I wish I had something else to talk about. I spent the weekend watching Mr. Man play a game on Game Cube. I took turns but he is much better at it than I am. I enjoyed just spending that time together in our own little world. The game is so addicting he will only play it on the weekends.

Well on second thought, something just came on tv that I want to watch, it's kind of late for a shower. I'll shower tomorrow. And get dressed. And try to keep busy. Well it's late so I'll sign off. Have a great night and a good day tomorrow.

Resolutions, Depression And Getting Rid Of Christmas

I broke my resolution. It didn't take long, like 4 days. But I'm back on track today. I can do it. I'll be ok.

One thing that hasn't changed is, I'm depressed. I think it's after the holidays blues. I feel like I missed the holidays. It's like it never happened. Now I have to wait a whole year to try again. It's odd that I didn't post any photos of the holidays or my decorating. I actually didn't take very many pictures. The whole thing was kind of a let down. There was no Christmas spirit in this house. Posting pictures usually helps me to relive the good times. It wasn't such a good time. I'm sadder now than I was before the holidays.

The last thing I need is to have a depressed person living with me. That's what I've got. I believe my brother-in-law is depressed. He sleeps most of the day away. When he first came here we kept busy and did stuff together. Now we hardly speak to each other and he sleeps as much as possible. I don't see him all day. There's stuff I need him to do. Right now I'm burning the last of the firewood and I need him to bring some in from outside. I undecorated the real tree and he was supposed to take it out two days ago, but it's still sitting here. I understand he's down about being out of work. But I think the bigger issue is there's no booze. We've run out of booze money. If there was alcohol he would be up. It's so sad. I really don't need this. Things are just getting really tense around here. Mr. Man and I got into a fight last weekend because of his brother. Things have been tense ever since. This morning we were all up and having coffee together, as soon as Mr. Man left for work, T went right back to bed. I know I should just go about my life, but I have no life. And there's glaring things like the undecorated tree waiting to be taken out that I can't do. It looks like I'll end up bringing in firewood soon. But that is a guys job. How did I end up here? A depressed person with another depressed person living in my house. It's just not cool. Mr. Man thought he could get him a job but that didn't pan out after all. I don't know what to do. It's just making me more depressed.

We went to family counselling yesterday. It was snowing quite heavily. The roads were a mess. Mr. Man ended up just taking the whole day off work. He was planning to go in after counselling, but our session took longer than expected and the roads were so bad, it just didn't make sense for him to go all the way down there just for a couple of hours of work. We got quite a bit of snow dumped on us. At least T did shovel the driveway.

My hands are a real mess. Since I got the dentures I can no longer bite my fingernails. They grow quite long and I have to clip them. They were long and needing a clipping and I broke 2 of them on two different ocassions. Then I sliced one of my fingers open while cutting potatoes. So I have blood and cuts and broken nails and bandaids and all my fingers hurt. I clipped them last night. I hate clipping them. But it has to be done.

I have a ton of laundry to fold and put away. After the little flood in the basement a couple of weeks ago, I had to do all the laundry that was on the floor. We had a ton of rain and it was melting the piles of snow and our basement leaked. There was piles of dirty laundry on the floor. It got soaked and had to be done before it got moldy. So now I have piles upon piles to fold and put away. That's something I'll be doing today.

I kind of want all signs of Christmas gone. It just provokes sad memories. My sister died on the 11th and the more time that passes the more I think about her. The more I want to feel the Christmas spirit the more it eludes me. I'm going to go about it in a different way this year. I have a whole year to get myself ready to receive the Christmas spirit. I do not want a repeat of 2008 or 2007. For now I need to move on. I have Mr. Mans birthday coming up. I'd like to do something special for that. But the reality is we probably won't be able to have a party. It's on a Friday. We'll see. Then there's Family Day. That's a welcome long weekend in February. Last year was the first time for this new "holiday". I am looking forward to it this year. I'm hoping the rest of the winter will just fly by. I think it will. Before I know it, it will be spring again. I'm going to take care of my gardens this year. Last year was a write off just with all that was going on with Mr. Man not being allowed to live at home and stuff. I was hardly home all summer. The gardens suffered. Yes this year is going to be different, better. Just thinking about the future has made me feel better this morning.

Well Uncle T is actually up now. I'm going to see if I can put him to work and get some stuff done around here. I really want to get rid of all the Christmas stuff. I have to get to work on that laundry. Have a great day. I'm really going to try to have a good day.

Holidays Are Almost Over

Two more days of holidays. The holidays are almost over. The holidays admittedly were a flop. This really saddens me. It only comes once a year. I can only hope to be around to make it different next time. I don't think Mr. Man feels like he had much of a vacation. Today he is planning to go to the Reserve, we're almost out of smokes. That takes a good chunk of the day. Before we know it he'll be back at work. I had hoped he could go back feeling refreshed. He doesn't feel refreshed at all. This holiday went nothing like we had hoped it would.

I ended up going to bed early again last night and was up at 4:45 again. I have noticed that every time I get up at 4, my brother-in-law is also up, sitting in the kitchen having a smoke. I'm starting to think it is him waking me up. I wake up and go immediately to my computer to light a smoke. When I head upstairs he is gone back to bed. I don't think he means to wake me up, but I'm pretty sure that's what's doing it. I love my brother-in-law. I'm thrilled to have him back in our life. But I was not expecting to have him living with us, I just kind of got smacked in the face with that one. For the most part it doesn't bother me having him here. But as time wears on, the little things are getting more and more annoying. Kicking him out is not really an option. He has nowhere to go. We are his family. If he can't count on us, who can he count on? We have made a difference in his life at this time. I just hope it doesn't make a difference in our life. We have things going on in our family. We are considering selling the house as soon as possible. We have all kinds of problems with Little R. Mr. Man has been put in the middle of my beefs and brother-in-laws beefs. But brother-in-law just shouldn't have beefs. We're letting him live in our home. He should accept things as they are, not try to change everything. But that's what he's been doing. So I don't know, it's tough at times.

It's a new year. I want it to be a better year. It couldn't get too much worse than last year. So far so good with my one and only resolution. I think this is going to be a year of change.

Well now the family is getting up and there's too much distraction to continue. I'm hoping to go to the Reserve with Mr. Man and have a couple of hours alone together. Have a great day.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! New Years Eve was pretty anticlimatic. We opted to just stay home. We had a few drinks, played some darts and had a game of Trivial Pursuit. We were invited out but decided to stay home. New Years Day was very quiet, we watched movies all day. The holidays are almost over and it feels like it never happened. Yesterday Mr. Man was getting all depressed about having to go back to work. As I thought the holidays just flew by and we really didn't do anything. It never once felt like the holidays. That is depressing me. Now I have to pack up all the decorations and whatnot.

I have high hopes for this year. I know I said that a year ago too. 2008 was a terrible year for us. This year has to be better. And next Christmas is going to be very different. I'm going to feel it.

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon. Just going to get a referral. I am hoping it's nothing, like it was before. I'm hoping I won't be subjected to a poke n feel today.

I made one new year resolution. I can't really say here what it is, but so far so good. I resolved to quit something, and no it's not smoking. I didn't do it yesterday and I haven't done it so far today. I'm feeling it, but I'll do it. I'm determined to quit.

It's January 2nd 2009 and I feel like crying. Not a good start to the new year. I want to feel happy again. That's a goal for this year. I think I'll be spending less time on the computer this year. It just doesn't bring me the happiness it used to. I hardly get any email any more. I find myself not even knowing what to do on the computer any more. So, I'm going to get off and find new things to amuse myself with. I don't know if I'm going to carry on with eBay or not, I haven't decided.

I hope you had a great new year celebration and I wish you and yours all the best for 2009. Have a great day.